moving

I think it is best that I be honest with you. I have been blogging on my tumblr...I don't just reblog pictures, but literally writes on it. So, kindly direct to my tumblah for my rants. But, it think I wouldn't delete this blog because it has so many things on it that I want to look back on. Maybe from time to time I will update it. But for now, party at my tumblr!

MA

MY UMMI HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH MULTIPLE ANEURYSM

Just 12 days ago, she was driving the car telling me a story about my brother and laughing her ass off. Now,she's on the hospital bed unconscious, hair shaved and a nasty scar along her hairline.

I miss you so much. I can't even..

Turning point

After the incident that occurred on Wednesday, the next day was surprisingly better. So was the day after that.

I thank my parents and the support of good friends for always getting me through the rough patches in my life. I am thankful for their words for giving me the strength to cope with what life had thrown at me. I am thankful that Allah heard my prayers and helped smoothed out the bumpy road.

A prayer goes a long way. I know that now.

I hope that this is the turning point of my teaching experience.

I am not asking for perfect wonderful day everyday, but I am asking for me to be able to connect with them as much as I can before I leave.

Insyallah.

sleep

I am going to bed, I don't even want to think about tomorrow.

I just want to close my eyes and bury my head in a heap of pillows.

Maybe sleep can cure this heartache.

Worst day

Today things got from worst to super worst.

I totally pulled the stormed out of class in the middle of a lesson with angry tears in my eyes.

I feel like shite doing it cause I've promised myself I wouldn't do that.

I now can't stop crying because of it.

Teaching is so challenging for me. It is hard seeing other people having the time of their life.

It is hard when you are having such a difficult time doing it. It is HARD.

It makes you feel that you are just not good enough for this.

It makes you doubt yourself so much.

It makes you not like them much.

It makes you want to give up.

It makes you sad.

Most importantly, it makes you hate yourself.

I hope tomorrow will be better. I keep hoping that it will but it is getting worst.

But even now, I still hope that it will be better tomorrow. I don't know how but after what happened today, I hope I will be able to connect back with them.

I don't want to leave with them hating me.

That is it.

salty

Listening to Bon Iver's Skinny love made me cried so hard like I haven't cried in so long. I don't even know why I am crying, I don't even understand what this song is about. But the melody just gets to me. Ugh, I am a blubber of a woman with too much emotions when the night is late, when I have so much work and especially when I miss people I haven't seen in awhile and wished to spend an hour with them talking about life. I guess I just feel a little overwhelm by work. Maybe I am just scared and worried. Hence, the tears.

Ok, Bon Iver, you are good. Nobody makes me cry the first time I listen to them.

Every time I listen to this song, I picture a really melancholic scene like in the movies.

The rain pours gently on a bustling city with its blaring neon signage everywhere, I see the good-bye of broken-hearted lovers, the struggle of life in the eye of a foreigner in a stranger's land, the lost of a child by a young single mother and the pain of a young man trying to live up to the his society's expectations. I see their pain and I can't help but get carried away with the emotions along with them.

15 things you should know

Things you should know:

1) I am on a 1 week holiday due to Eid mubarak(Which was yesterday)

2) I have 8 weeks of internship left

3) I probably will sound like the biggest turd ever, but I can't wait for it to be over

4) Last week I came home crying because I couldn't handle my class

5) I don't know how I will do for the next 8 weeks

6) Whatever it is I will try my very best

7) Today is also my country's independent day, 54 YEARS STRONG(sorta)

8) Tomorrow is September and I am ecstatic because that means I am this much closer to getting my ass to Melbourne

9) Sorry I have been neglecting this blogspot but I have been sorta blogging on my tumblr a little bit

10) I write in points now because this shows how my brain lacks creativity

11) Actually, I am just too lazy

12) Because I am suppose to be sleeping since I have to wake up early because we are hitting the road and heading out to my opah's(granma) house.

13) I just felt like I had to tell it to the world

14) Also, I am not wearing pants cause, listening to Foals and eating ice-cream at 2 a.m

15) THIS IS LIFE

-THE END-

happy accidents

My love for movies or films if you want to sound more cultured, has always been the reason why I am able to speak and write english well since it is my second language. I love watching them and imitating after the characters or wonder about the most ridiculous thing about the story. I have a long list of movies I love that I think I had stopped keeping track on them. Believe it or not, I kept a list in my old journal back when I was 15. Now days, I hardly watch television anymore and I like stumbling upon a good story.

Sure, now I just watch the new television series or movies in my laptop after transferring it from friends that were able to download them. Sure it is easier and inexpensive (also very illegal) but just like everything that is convenient and fast this days, it losses its wonder and quality. In a way its magic. Think about it, for example,fast food; quick but bad for your body and film photography: takes time and money to develop, but the outcome is mesmerizing.

So,like watching television and stumbling upon a good movie, gives me some sort of heart warming joy that even after the movie I would think about it and gushes over how good it was to random ears near by(or in this case, blog about it so random blog walkers would stumble upon it). I am delighted to share with strangers the two movies I saw a few nights ago.

They are Happy accidents and Just like a son. I saw them on the sundance channel(yeah,we changed to astro beyond and they have a sundance channel!HOW WONDERFUL IS THAT?). I tell you, they don't air movies like those in the cinema here. Here, we always get block buster movies that are just a bland reflection of each other(Not all though).

You know,what would be cool? I've always had this idea of having my own cinema where I will air films that I love. Old and new. Maybe I can even play trilogies (example:lord of the rings not twilight) and have theme nights. Be so neat right? It'll play all sort of indie films from all over the world, even documentaries and mockumenteries. Block busters movies are ban from my cinema of course. Maybe only weirdos and nerds will come support my place, but hell, i'll do it for the love of it. OHMYGOD,MAYBE IT CAN BE MY NIGHT JOB.

Nadhirah, teacher my day, indie cinema owner by night.

The stuff I spun in my head aye? oh well, nothing wrong with dreaming.

Right, rambling off like a mad woman as always.

Until next time.

ps: 4th week on internship starting tomorrow. Time sure flies!

the dream part 1: still waiting

Remember in June I went and declared my dream? Well, it is still burning within my able body passionately. Every time someone asks me what I want to do after this, I usually just say I don't know and make a :( face. But inside, inside I was screaming my ideas like a mad woman that I literally had to shushed myself.

I wonder what people will react to my plan? I know they will judge me for not being practical about my future. Everyone is just such in hurry to get to the next point in their life, maybe it be a career or marriage and all I want to do is find freedom to roam the world with a journal and camera. Take loads of pictures, meet new people and befriend them, learn their culture and widen my perspective on life. That is all I want to do. I don't want a fancy car, a big house, pretty clothes or a title. But, just because I don't want those things doesn't mean I hate people that do, everyone had their preference and I respect that entirely.

That being said, it is now the second week of August and I am ecstatic that the time is moving quiet swiftly. I focus my energy on internship and during quiet moments where my mind is no occupied by lesson plans and classroom management strategies, I fill it with this dream of mine to keep going. I think of my sister's face and words every time I start doubting myself.

I miss her so much.

Anyways, she sent me a budget and my eye ball nearly fell out of its socket. But I am hopeful. One thing life had taught me is, money is something you can find. Don't need to fret, I rather be poor and enjoy life than be rich and miserable. The saying "money can't buy happiness" is dead on. If some smart ass says otherwise, know that that person can have all the money to buy the world but it would never fill out the void of what it can't buy, like love, affection and laughter.

I am sure you are tired of me rambling about this dream of mine, but I am just keeping myself motivated.

Until next post on this, which I surely think in another two months. By then I will be done with my internship and can start this madness. Soon :)

love hate

Today was not better than yesterday. In fact, it was worst. I guess, I can't always expect for good days every day right? But a girl can sure hoped for it.

I tell ya, teaching is challenging. I don't hate it yet, but I am certainly not feeling that surge of love for it either. So, where does I stand on teaching? On a straight line between those two feeling.

One thing for sure, I do not feel like I am cut out to be a teacher yet.

that was yesterday

Today was a bit better than yesterday. That was what I only prayed for and really thankful about. Thank you Allah.

PS: No, the feeling like I am about to puke every time I enter a class does not decrease. But my heart feels braver.

internship: week 2

Entering my third week of teaching. second of ramadhan. Where does the time goes?

I am getting used to being called 'teacher'.

I am getting used to planning and preparing.

I am getting used to wearing heels.

I am getting used to thinking about 60 other 9 years old instead of my lonesome almost 20 years old self.

I am getting used to always looking at the clock.

I am getting used to always getting things done in time.

I am getting used to new work place environment.

I am getting used to new people.

I am getting used to being out of my social circle.

Teaching is challenging, as I've said before. Every time I go into class, my intention is that my students gets something out of that 60 minutes lesson. That they will be a little courageous to use the language when they feel so. I know how intimidating learning something new can be. Especially a foreign language that gets a lot of backlash due to its origin. I hope they understand that we are here to learn the language, not to adept to its culture by pushing ours' aside like its yesterday's cold rice.

Third week,

I hope I am able to find my footing with this young learners.

I hope for a lot of things from this journey. Insyallah, all shall be well.

Fuel

This heart, it gives up too easily when it gets scared of something great. But you, you fuel it to pick things up and keep moving. This trust you have in my ability to succeed, makes me feel so competent. It helps me to see the bigger picture and not falter like I always do. I am forever thankful for this courage that you have infused inside on my body and soul. I am thankful for having people that are so supportive of my dreams. I feel so blessed that I get all teary eye thinking about how much love I get from people that I really care about.

I feel good tonight. I feel like I am running further from the person that I don't want to be and towards the person that I want to be in life, all because of you. Every second I put my foot forward, I am always thinking of your words of encouragement telling me not to give up.

I will stop thinking of tomorrow and live today.

PS: I do feel like I have to express my gratitude not just in my prayers, but on the interwebz, because there can never be enough of positive post out here right? :)

oopps

Right, looks like I should give an explanation for disappearing off like that after I've made a commitment to blog daily about my experience as a trainee teacher. The thing is, there is not much to say but I've been busy and tired.

I am just adapting to this new experience which I had some difficulties in the beginning, but since then, all is well and I am finding my footing in the profession.

I don't have much to think about what to pen down here because I am spending my time preparing myself mentally for each day. One thing I can tell you is this, I do feel like puking every time I enter the threshold of my school and worst, a nervous wreck when I have to enter my classes and stare at 37 little people. I spend most of my time mustering the courage and confidence that I can write on here because it will be an endless rant about how badly things are and can go. Only Allah knows how I rather put all that aside and focus on the good side of things and just calm my tits.

So the next few weeks this blog will be a ghost town, unless I've managed to adapt to things well. Insyallah.

oh another thing, teach is challenging.

internship: Day 1

Made it through the first day by the skin of my teeth!

What lies I am spurting here.

Last night after I blogged how calm I was and that I was heading to bed for a deep slumber so I can wake up fresh in the morning all energetic for my first day as a teacher. I did just that, laid my head on my pillow and shut my eyes smiling. During that few seconds of total silence and entering a state of unconsciousness, my mind didn't went silent, instead it was shouting and ramblings incoherently about today. So I opened my tired eyes and took my books down to the room downstairs and turned on the air-conditioner in full blast and started reading my classroom management book. After 30 minutes of jotting down useful tips and listing out fun language games I can do with my students later, my mind went "ok,calm yo mothofecking titties*in tina's voice* Irah!*. So I quickly put all my things aside and crashed on the couch around 12.30 am.

Sleep felt like a second even when time had passed for hours....

Woke up with a jolt because my mum barged into the room asking me to get up while at the same time my phone obnoxious alarm went off. From there on it was a blurry motions of showering-praying-packing my books-drinking vico-out the door-into the car-picked up dad from the bus station-dropped me off at school.

The journey took 15 minutes on a clear road from my house to the school. When I arrived, I was all jitters. I'm glad I wasn't the only one though. One of my mate was feeling it too, but it is great that the other one was keeping herself together well. It made me feel better because I swear my mind kept going from rambling to silence every second as we made out way to the office to report ourselves for duty.

It was still dark out and only a few lights were switched on lighting the pathway towards the 1st floor, hence making it feel a little eerie. But thankgod the lights in the office was on, unfortunately it was still locked.Which was good! because it means we were not late.

Met a few teachers in the office who were taking their record book on the receptionist table. They were friendly and right off the bet know we were practical students reporting for duty. I just smiled and said my salam most of the time. Anyway, 90% of my time was spent waiting. Which I really don't mind because the thought of entering class made me want to throw up.

So, I got my schedule sorted by meeting first the headmistress then senior assistant then evening session person in charge then the teachers that I am taking over their classes for the next 14 weeks .

Since,there were difficulties in fitting us in their system, we had to take on an extra subject, which I don't mind since I got art! How cool is that? I am excited for it because I haven't done art in so long and I love art even though I suck at drawing. But I hope I can do interesting and artistic stuff with the kids. Speaking of which, I should research for crafty ideas for my lesson next monday. As for english, I will start this thursday on occupation. Gotta get my lesson plan ready by then.

There are things I feel a little confuse about, but it think I know how it works. It is like when I worked at baskin, you just gotta ask and they will gladly to help you out. Just ask!

Ok,with that, I say today went well.

ALL SHALL BE WELL!

amin.

internship:All shall be well

As written yesterday,I am doing a daily post pertaining my internship so I can improve my writing and reflect.

I feel calm which is rather bizarre since tomorrow is the big day. Yes, I am dubbing it as the big day and nobody can say otherwise. Tomorrow deserve to be called so because it is a first for me and I really remember my first times more often. I think the reason why I am not as nervous is because I was an emotional wreck yesterday it was nothing short of hilarious if you were to witness my breakdown. But, today I feel better and last night as I was flipping through the latest issue of Frankie magazine sent to me by my loving sister Anne with a popped out card which really charmed my pants off, I came across the section where writers of Frankie give their thoughts on a topic. This issue is "What I'll tell my kid"and I read Marieke Hardy's passage where she listed out a few rules in life her kid must know. One of them is ALL SHALL BE WELL.ALL SHALL BE WELL.ALL SHALL BE WELL.(really,she wrote it a few times)

So,whatever happens tomorrow of the next day and the next day until October, I will chant those words in time of worry to not be so chickenshit in dealing with what life throws at me. Insyallah. I hope for the best for myself and my classmates that are going to brace the teaching profession head first tomorrow. Everyone,don't forget to take in some air before you guys dive in okay?

Okay,time for bed so I can wake up at 5.30 am tomorrow and leave the house by 6.15 am.

More ranting tomorrow night.

its here!!

I am feeling loads better! Listening to mumford and sons,writing that letter to myself and crying it out really made me feel better. I will start my internship on Monday, I feel strong. I know I will do good.I don't care if that sounds really cocky. I am a cocky cock and I am not sorry about it one single bit. If my words backfired on me in the future, at least I have something new to learn. I am excited actually to meet my students and work with other teachers. I'm sure this comes as no surprise, but I love to work. Sure,I really do need the money but I find real satisfaction in getting a job done and learning something new about myself, the people around me and skills that comes with the title.

My dad asked me what are my expectations from this internship and I didn't really know what to answer him. Honestly? I just want to learn about this profession. I want to be really good at it. I want to love english more. I want to impart good life lessons to those kids. I want to let them discover how wonderful other languages can be when they keep an open mind.

I hope I do good. I can't wait what my life will be for the next 3 months. Kids are wonderful, I know I have expressed how annoying they are, but you should also remember how I've countless time said how amazing they are due to their honest take and positive take in life.

I hope I get to discover more about myself through them for I am already an adult that always seem to get lost by the fine details of life and fail to see the big picture.

Insyallah. Amin.

I thought that I was going to buy a new journal and write about my experience about my journey as a trainee teacher for the next 3 months but why bother making empty promises when I feel much more easier typing it out here. So do you think I should make a daily entry of my experience? oh hell,why not? Best keep it in the open and share my stories where anyone can stumble upon right? I want to be braver when it comes to my writing and sharing it with anyone that wants to read my babbles. Writing is the only way I know how to make things better when times are hard and I know it is not always rainbows and cupcakes.

So,fuck it.bite the bullets and commit Irah!

I heart mumford&sons

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

I love this band.

A letter to myself

what would you say if you can write to yourself?

Tonight I feel like only myself can convince me and make things better.

Dear Irah,

First of all, I love you. Please believe in yourself that you are a strong individual that has it in you to take on whatever that life throws your way. That you are not afraid to dream big and know how much you have to work to get what you want in life,even the little things. People might not understand your hardship, but now is not the time to feel sorry for yourself because they don't know your story. This is not the time to play the game "who's life sucks more" because you have enough and that you should be grateful to Allah for what you have. Don't forget that all your body parts are working well, that you have a roof above your head, clothes on your back,food in your stomach,a bed to sleep on and people you care dearly close by. Remember that you are one courageous, honest,smart and beautiful girl. Not to mention real funny too.Nobody can take that away from you unless you let them. okay?Please take care of yourself, chin up,wipe the tears and get ready to face tomorrow better than you did today.

I love you, you crazy sumbetch.

a good read?

2 nights.619 pages later...

I didn't want it to end.

Which means this is a good book because for the passed 3 months or so I've been trying to get back on my habit of reading but have failed miserably. Currently I have 3 books unfinished and it sorta made me frustrated because I keep buying books that aren't so engaging. Sure, they have been on the top 10 of most-sold-books list or must -read-book list, but I just didn't seem to find the joy of reading them as I would other books.

It all started with that dance dance dance book by haruki murakami. The first book I have not finished and just tossed aside because it was too eccentric and at times boring to stomached. Give it a whirl and see what I mean. Although, hats off to Fara for finishing it. I felt a little guilty for not finishing it, but then I remembered this one article I've read and it was a review on a book about reading. Sort of a reader's right when it comes to reading. One of it is : "It is ok if you don't finish,it's your choice". So that kept me from prolonging my guilt and encouraged me to go on to other books.

Then...I found about Catch-22 and thought I should really read it since it is highly acclaimed by some literary board and Frankie magazine(my only fav magazine). One of the writer talked about books he has not finished and people was shocked that he haven't finished catch-22,saying it is a must read and shit. So, I got really intrigued..naturally. I saw it on the shelves of popular bookstore and bought it on impulse. A FEW PAGES at the book and i saw where the challenge lied...the language. English is not my first language so I find it rather difficult to read old english..maybe not refined or simplified english? You give it a crack and see if what I am saying makes sense.

After that, it was downhill from there. I can only stomach romance novel(both the really erotic type and pg-13 type)and I felt dirty mentally most of the time not because of the explicit content(I like that very much), but it felt like I was feeding junk food day in an out to my brain. I just stopped reading them and haven't picked up a book ever since. I've tried you know, to get back to what I love, which is adventure and magic intertwined together. Thought I would find it in Dianna Wyane Jones's the glass door, but it just didn't make me want to keep on turning the pages. I made it half way but didn't picked it back up ever since.

It is hard to read while classes is commencing because I have so many exam related stuff to read that reading a book for leisure seems to elude me. Le sigh...

Even during this 1 month of break I didn't come across anything interesting to read even though I've been meaning to read again since I have ample time to do so.

But, a few days ago I went to Mel's house and saw The Host by Stephanie Meyer. You heard me right, Stephanie Meyer. I have to say I have a pretty strong perception towards her earlier work (oh you know which one) and they aren't so positive. Best not go into that because I rather not soil this author's credibility with my words. Yes, I've read all her earlier work so I pretty much have a love hate relationship with her writing.

So, when I started reading The Host, I was a little cautious and reluctant to enjoy it. I just want to blast it with rants of why it sucks. But, the joke is on me, I did enjoyed it and loved that it is sci-fi and romance woven into one. You know how I love me some alien love and the end of the world related stuff.

Anyways, as Mel had put it: It is more matured. Yes it is. I wasn't annoyed by it one bit. I love a strong female character. And there wasn't any cheesiness or pent up sexual bits in it. The love story feels genuine and strong with out soaking it with sexual scenes like in Twilight. Seriously, Bella is just one sexually oppressed girl that wants to hump a vampire's brain out as soon as she can.

That aside, I think readers would appreciate The Host because it has the makings of a good book. Sure, it can't be compared to The End of Mr.Y(one of my fav), but its a good read regardless. In my opinion anyways, everyone have different taste. The science fiction junkies would probably look down on it but at the end of the day this is a story about love.

It says so in the beginning:

"To my mother, Candy, who taught me that love is the best part of any story"

And I agree.

I love reading,I love being completely immersed in its words and world. I wonder what I will stumble upon next..:)

1/2 year later

At last July is here. One more month till internship. 4 more months till I finish university so that means 8 more months till my travelling year begins.

I have not much to say except that band of horses will be my July soundtrack.

I will start work on monday to fill the boredom and beat the insomnia like the boy in cash back.

I am reading stephanie meyer's the host.

I want to reread back Harry Potter and the deathly hollows but my copy of the book is with my sister's friend.

I can't wait for Harry Potter part 2 but sad it will be the last installment of the whole series.

Hope July will just move on quickly because I am getting tired of waiting to kick start the journey of my traveling year and my internship. This soul is getting restless. I am not good with long holidays..that's what I've learnt this passed month. I get too happy being detach from people. It is save to say that I am a happy loner.

the sea+good friends

This picture depicts it all.

This is my reflection of how my weekend went with a bunch of good friends. When I am near the sea, I just switched off my mind to bask in the sun and salty water. So,there is not much to ramble about. Hence this short entry to sum it all up.

I love how the sand feels when I dug my toes into its grainy texture and sink into its sometimes hard, sometimes fluffy composition and looked out into the sky and water. The sound of the waves crashing against the rocks is always soothing to my ears. I feel like I can sit there for hours and just smile like an idiot listening to its’ rhythmic sound not thinking about anything. Oh and at night, watching the stars glowed and burned dimly for me still excites my childish heart and I feel so blessed even though they came out for only a few flickering moments then hides away behind the dark night. Good friends’ laughter’s echoing in the background made the night alive and I feel right where I belong while the sea breeze whished passed my hair. All I could do was smile. There was no reason to not too. For a while all my troubles seem to escape from my mind and I liked it. Actually, I loved it a lot. Nothing gives me such happiness like being near the sea.

:)

PS: I need to move somewhere near the sea so I can feel this happy everyday I wake up. I can be broke and alone but I will still feel somewhat connected to the world and blessed to be alive.

the breakup song

I can't seem to stop listening to this lovely lass above. I love her nonchalant attitude towards the cut-throat industry about her looks, her charming cockney accent, her humor, her classiness,that ginger hair, stunning look and oh yeah her booming soul searing voice.

I gave this a thought, if my life were a movie and I am going through a break-up. Then Adele's songs should be the background music to accompany the tears, flashbacks and "I can't look at you right now fucker" looks couple have when the relationship had taken a turn to loathing. Oh and of course the post breakup scene where one would stare mindlessly in a daze getting sucked in my the whirlwind of emotions.

I think it will make my breakup much more theatrical. Yeah sure, I would go nuts listening to all the lyrics, but maybe it will let me purge out the emotions faster instead of not knowing what to do with all of them.No?

Maybe I am wrong, coming from someone that has never gone through a breakup but it is nice to know that I have a tune for a horrible event in my life later in the future. Hey,maybe I'll even laugh about it at that moment.

Okay,I don't even know what I am yapping about.But for now, this is part of my story as sung by Adele.

This is how the story went
I met someone by accident
It blew me away
It blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, you buried them away

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Drop you off at the train station
Put a kiss on top of your head
Watch you wave
Watched you wave

Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
Neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call it home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain, the morning rain
Although I wish that you were here
That same old road that brought you here
Is calling me home, It's calling me home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Hello again :)

I really need to start writing in my journal again because I am so close to finishing it and you know how I love to buy a new journal. Now you are force to read my ongoing ramblings because for now I am really into sharing rather than being a close of f bitch. Bah,fuck mysterious, I can save that for when I am being courted by a gentleman *bats eye*.

LE GASP *what has gotten into me?*, next thing you know I'll be telling you how much I weight and my deepest darkest secret. Fret not my cherie, I'd have to be seriously high for that to happen. Which never because I am too cool for a spliff and I can be fun even when I am sober.

It is currently 3 am and I couldn't sleep because I literally passed out after eating a slice of my homemade chocolate cake around 5 pm just now. Hmmphh, this really makes me wonder if someone tempered with my cake batter some how. Maybe slip in a lil cannabutter? *LE SHOCK*.Don't worry, I highly doubt I was drugged and really sure was just a little sleep deprived.

Today my sister followed me to campus and one of my classmate was shocked to see the vast difference in our appearance. You know how some sisters just look like two peas in a pod? Well, my sisters and I are really 3 different individuals when it comes to look as well as personality.Anyways, I always get this so this one time I actually tell people that I am adopted. Its fun mind fucking people. They get really mellow with you and get overly sensitive about things. This really makes me sound like an insensitive bitch no? Don't worry, I usually just fest up right after or maybe a few days later because I am not good at putting up a straight face.

In my defense, I just get tired of explaining my family background to people. Its not that complicated, I just don't want to come across as boastful. Besides, at the end of the day I am still muslim and malaysian regardless of my genetic inheritance.

okay,enough ramblings. Time to sahur.

I can do this!

This is so true don't you agree?

The next few months wouldn't be a breeze for me and I know that. I will be thrown into a new but not unfamiliar environment. This lassie will be a trainee teacher to a bunch of primary school children come July. I was nervous before, but I am done being nervous and worried about what might happen(my stubbornness to focus on the negativity is not admirable at all!) is replace with this new found excitement to educate and play a part that I've been studying and work on for the past 2 years.

It is time to put all the discussions and readings to test.

Figuring out what techniques and strategies will be most effective for those little rascals.

I hope I will be able to be a good teacher, I really do. I want to do my best for that 14 weeks because I don't want to fuck someone's child up along the way.

Found so many inspirational teaching-related blogs on tumblr while I was going through the suggested tumblr section(which is new I think). I have not fully check them all due to my decreasing broadband limit (been online way too much during the holiday), but most of them are actual teachers' blogs, so it is inspirational to read about their experiences.

I am excited now, but scared too. But hey, life is all about doing things that makes you feel afraid right? It is the ones worth doing.

the dream part 1

I should be quick, the juice on this laptop is dying and I am to lazy to run to the other room to get it. It's been a pretty much mellow holiday. I can't believe I am not going insane staying at home not meeting anyone. To be honest, I am actually really contented that I don't have to meet people because I like time to myself. Feels like I haven't had one of those "me-time" in awhile what with Uni and everything else. Its already June and that means I have roughly around 8 months till a life of new faces,unwashed jeans , part-time jobs, getting lost in a new place, being broke to the point I can't afford food,taking pictures,backpacks, sun, rain, sea, chilly weather, boarding flights,trains, reading maps and all the great as well as bad things associated to travelling.

I've made up my mind, 2012 will be my travelling year. It's about time right?

I thought I should be brave and come out and just say what I want, which is to travel. This heart wants to wonder into places she has only seen in movies and read in books in person. This heart wants to "stand up to live so she can write about life" to quote one of her idol,Yasmin Ahmad.

Since I am really good at giving up because I am too scared to even try, I want to begin my journey here. Which is admitting.

I WANT TO TRAVEL TO AUSTRALIA THEN LATER EUROPE NEXT YEAR DESPITE NOT HAVING ANY MONEY AT ALL TO FUND MY TRAVELLING.

there.
I know it will be hard, so that is why I think through writing about the difficulties and progress,it will keep me motivated, inspired, reminded and determine on what I want.Maybe I can look back and go through my posts and go "woah girl, that all went down and you are still alive and kicking it?the highest of five and self loving moment right about now" during those times of self-doubting and anxiousness.
So I thought it would be neat if I title them under one title only in different parts.People might laugh and snort at my childishness and wishful thinking, but sod it, this is how I roll.Maybe I am crazy to be sharing too much, but I figured writing it out here really put my mind at ease.

"This passed few weeks I've been checking the the visa procedures and read all them through with a heavy sigh at the end of it. There is a lot to be done. Money and documents to be prepared. Forms to be filled. In my head was this voice "Can you do this? this looks difficult", followed by heavier sighs and fidgeting. But one skpe call from the sister, all anxiety and fears were put to rest. The mind is back on track!Insyallah, have faith and dream big!"

so that is what I am going to constantly chant to myself when I feel demotivated, Have faith and dream big!

:)

Until next progress,or thought

stand up

it is safe to say that I am out of my funk. I feel 100th time better than I did last week. Thanks to those people that had made me looked at things in a different light, you might not know who you are, but Thanks anyways.

I know now that it is how you react to things that matter,screw everyone else. It is my choice to be who I choose to be even if its not what other people deem as cool or fitting, I really don't care. I want to wear my hijab today but not tomorrow, it is my choice. Nobody has a say in what I should wear or look.If I want to say a certain movie franchise as overrated than so be it!

so thank you for inspiring me instead of making me feel like I should shut up,sit down and keep everything to myself.

I say, grab a microphone, tell it all to the judgmental pretentious fucks a piece of my mind and laugh. my laugh is infectious dearies so shut up and listen up.

a toast to self-esteem!

endless worries

If one can put all the worries in a box, duct tape it twice at the opening and throw it out into the sea. One would have done it immediately. But maybe it serve as a language understanding of what one feels. then maybe just then, one can move instead of being weigh down by the boxes of worries one carries around this week.

When dreams seem difficult to obtain. One feels a little helpless and discontent.


why does one worry too much?

one is just scared of fucking up again because this time, one is doing it all alone.

holiday blues

days join together into one never ending day. that is what a long holiday feels like. especially when you are waiting for your life to be over. you can't do anything but lie there on bed and stare at the ceiling thinking of everything and nothing all at once. you start to pick a fight with yourself. getting angry about the could have been, the should have been and the had been while your body remain stationary through the shouting, persuading and cooing. at the end of if, both your mind and body feels like they just went through some sort of a battle but with no scars to prove but just silence and far-away eyes. nothing make sense.

Maybe I have foreseen days like this..maybe I am encouraging it..then maybe I need to let it out of my system.

holiday blues,
you come here with your smiles,
thinking you can coax me into your madness.

I say well,
you can have me today,
just not tomorrow.

Irah

another one

i hope this song isn't offensive to the deceased.

Today one of my classmate passed away due to cancer. At a ripe age of 19, she left this evening to be with her maker. This is the second person I've known in my life,where their life were cut short due to cancer and this song came to my mind because I was listening to it the first time around and i think now i've associated the song to the disease personally.

I didn't get to know her as well as my other classmates, but she was my classmate regardless. spent a year plus being in the same classroom with her acquiring knowledge like sponges and now she's gone.

what i've learnt is that death usually leaves an emptiness somewhere. like a seat in the exam hall, where every other seat is taken and you can see only that one seat is vacant and you wait and wait for the person to come but they never do.

She was someone dear to one of my good friends at university. To have lost someone you love is never an easy thing to accept and adjust too. I hope he would stay strong and keep the good memories they had in his heart wherever he goes. also to be fueled by her lightness to keep going.

I know I have never been good with death, i feel at lost for words most of the time, but my thoughts and prayers goes to her and her family. I hope she rests in peace. amin.

Almost Goodbye

I feel like I have been dreaming big this passed few months, that it is starting to scare me. Like our friendly neighborhood spiderman said "with big dreams, come big responsibilities" ,something like that. This is a feeling I haven't experience since that breezy sunday morning with my sister talking about my hopes and dreams. I share them with very few people because I see them as something so precious that I have the need to handle it with great care and hide it from people. You can either call me paranoid or responsible. I personally would say it is the former.

My time in MSU is almost up. I can't wait to close this chapter of my life and begin a new one. I've never thought I would be planning my life a year ahead instead of just going with the flow like I've always do. Guess I am growing up.

As this yearning grows bigger for a life of travelling and discovering, I do feel a heartache leaving a group that I have had the opportunity to befriend for the last 2 years. It has been swell getting to know these people. I didn't plan to share so much laughter, secrets and even tears with them, but I did. that is the truth of it all. I did all those things in a span on 2 years, which is something sort of extraordinary, because you know what a close off bitch I can be to people outside of my circle. I think that is it; they have taught me how to be more accepting of others and I am forever grateful for that.

That being said, it is no surprise that I will miss them a lot. I know it is not over yet, but everyone has been posting sappy words of gratefulness and goodbye that I can't help getting caught up in the emotions too. I'll write a proper post about bidding everybody goodbye once it is all over. However, be warn that the next few weeks I will probably enter a state of nostalgia and I will be post many almost goodbye.
One wouldn't do them justice, would it?

PS: i know spiderman didn't say that ok.
PSS: I am so scared it all will blow up in my face. so scared, but guess i have to risk it to get the biscuit! go big or go home right? As usual, i can think of bajillion reasons how it can go wrong, but i know the solutions are there too. i just need to work hard, be patience and soldier through. insyallah it will go as I hope it would. pray for me please.

Little Lion Man

Weep for yourself, my man
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rape yourself
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?

Tremble for yourself, my man
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble little lion man
You'll never settle any of your score
Your grace is wasted in your face
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Learn from your mother
Or else spend your days biting your own neck

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?

we are one at the end of the day. A bunch of little lion men.

Only mumford and sons has the words because I can't seem to come up with them.I really hope I get to meet them one day and tell them how much their music makes me feel like there is a silver lining in the darkest days of my life and how much it has inspired me to love writing more and fueled my passion for it.

hairy situation

i should start by saying the dinner was great, it made me felt like i was hanging with a bunch of friends and not just classmates. But the road to reach that feeling was a tad rocky. maybe that was an understatement. it was hell. but hey, why dwell on the bad shit in life when you can always reminisce on the good stuff? i take what i can get because not everyday is a good day. I am grateful, that is all.

so, aside from that, I have two weeks of lectures to go and I am done. However, this is not a time to throw your fist up in the sky feeling victorious because that can only mean one thing and one thing only, internship. 1 month to go and i am feeling oh so adequate day by day, which is just great!

even with this in mind, i am still not going to run away crying because I know it is just anxiety and fear talking. so best keep all the negativity in box, tie it to helium fill balloon and let it the fuck go. this is all old news so lets just put that aside bring up the topic of hair.

oh you know how much i love to fuck up my hair. i went into facebook a few weeks ago and saw my fringe up-do and was proud of myself for donning it like a boss. fuck people that says if you don't suit a style because you are not what is deem normal size or look by the media and society. do it anyways! granted i looked like a coconut, but fuck it, it was badass and i loved it. so, i thought it has been too long since i play(fuck) with my hair. i wanted to do the undercut but HATE the fact that i have to pay someone to shave some of my hair off. you see, my rule of thumb with hair is; don't trust hairdressers with your hair.

i've been screwed by them so many times. don't get me started!

yeah sure, it could end up looking fugly. but it is hair, it will grow back. so, i went ahead and did the dip-dyed style. i wanted badly to do some other colour besides red because i have done it so many times but thinking of how well off pissed my parents would be, i went safe and use red.

the result was satisfying and appealing. although, depending on what you think is cool, then you might think i look like part lunatic otherwise it looks awesome.

well, at the end of the day the most important thing you should remember is that i love it,so i dont give a rat's ass about what you think *insert innocent smile*.

okay,that is all for now. i think i am starting to sound angry..

of writer's block perhaps?

i am having sort of writer's block right now. so much has happened in the passed two weeks and I am not writing about it. will there be a dangerous side effect? probably, but right now i just want to stay quiet because i don't want to cry, shout or even smile and laugh.

the I in Island

sedih bila kau buat benda camtuh.

see how sad I am that I could only expressed it in bahasa. this never happens. I wish I could talk to you, but theres a hole between us. Someone is digging it day by day and it is getting bigger that as much as I try to shovel back the earth into the hole it never closes up because someone down there is shoveling it out at twice the speed.

My arms have gotten tired to the point my mind asking "what is the point?", so i put down the shovel and left you there making an island for yourself and the hole digger.

our swords

"Out on the wall sounds of banging is constant coming from your head

And desperate the calls came and ringing from those wanna wring your neck

Wring your neck"

It was one of those evenings where it would be shinning too damn brightly that you can feel the UV rays penetrating through your skin and gnawing at your flesh like an invisible microorganism. well did you remember that day? I did. I remembered it clearly.

We were just walking idly on the pavement when fat drops of rain fell on our head and in just seconds it started pouring. It was like god just accidently dropped a cup of water on us and went "Opps, sorry about that humans". We made a mad dash to the nearest building to take shelter from the heavy rain. To my excitement I've pulled you towards the cinema. It was vacant but only a few old people in their shorts and sandals with socks on. Not to mention the tacky holiday shirts, where are we? Hawaii??

You mentioned something about how horrible the weather has been lately while shaking the water off your hair like cats always do after a bath to their fur. That made me laughed because the water went on the passersby with the bowl cut and he gave us a very irritated look.

Just to passed the time we bought tickets to watch some movie we've never heard off. So this story was about a couple of teenagers running around L.A looking for a band call Fluffy. Sounds cool? well, the truth of it all it was another love story but less comedic and more realistic. Which is always good for me. Not to mention the excellent soundtrack.It was either that or a badly remake of something that was already awful in the first place.

However, knowing how you can only stand gory and science fiction when it comes to the big screen. You had already fallen asleep with your head on my shoulder 10 minutes into the movie after finishing the popcorn that was meant to be shared. But you knew how I don't even like popcorn that much so I saw that one coming.

When the movie was almost ends, I don't know why I started sobbing quietly. The slight tremors that occurs when you're crying woke you up. You looked startled and asked me whats wrong and I started blubbering like an idiot and you just laughed, gave me hugged and called me a romantic wuss. Then wiped my tears and told me this would never happen if we were watching star-trek. Which resulted to me hitting you on the head and saying strings of obscenity. Used to my quick tongue you just laughed.

When the movie ended we went outside and were very delighted to find that the rain has also stopped. Your hand-phone rang and you looked at the screen and instantly looked somber. Reluctantly, you picked up anyway. I knew who was that. It's her. Fresh out of her hangover and infidelity. I heard sobbing and pleading on the other end and five seconds later there she was in the flesh inside the silver Nissan by the pavement. You looked shocked and said to the receiver "Stay there,i'm coming" and turned to me "I'm sorry but I have to handle this" looking at me rather apologetically.

"It's okay, go. I rather not her make scene right here" .He clasped my head and said "You're the best. Drive home safely ok."

I just smiled meekly and said "You know I always do".

Then watched you got into the car and drove away into the evening, disappearing from my sight.

Do you know why I cried like an idiot just now? It hit me and I couldn't contained it. I am Norah. You're Nick. I can't believe I'm in love with an idiot.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Needed to get it all out there. This is entirely fictional and has no relation to people alive or dead. But it was inspired from someone alive. You know I wouldn't make it easy for you to understand how I feel by just a simple lyric or a sentence. It has to be a long winded story to let you decipher the puzzle of my heart and mind.

Yes, I'm really complicated. But if you know the movie. Then you can easily understand what this story means.

Enjoy? hopefully.

give me more tea to calm this nerves

i've been downing countless cups of tea today. Rose is the best because you get that whiff of rose and feel instantly calmer. the loveliness of tea just makes me oh so jolly. can i write a poem about it? oh dearie,you better brace yourself before I burst into rhymes about this caramel coloured liquid. I wish someone would go to Ceylon again and buy me more boxes of flavoured tea. I can't get enough of them.

PS: they are best serve with cream crackers. dunk it and let the sogginess invades your mouth with such delight.

May is fast approaching and I am getting all jittery thinking about my internship.There are just to many things going through my mind right now. I need to brush up on my grammar. This lass needs to crack open the grammar book and get schooled fast. I know i can do it! come July, I'll be a grammar nazi that will irritate the hell out of people.

May will be a busy month for me. Will have to organize a farewell dinner, conduct my individual microteaching, draw that layout of my ideal classroom and get my folio done for testing and evaluation in one week. I think this is why I am having a lovely headache and downing cups of tea. I am readying myself for a very busy month ahead. Need to stack up on the fuel. Very english of me aye?

Ah well, this will keep me busy from thinking of when it will all be over. Time will fly and before I know it, i will feel the certificate on my hand and continue my life on a different road.

However, this year is proving to be a good year for the music geek that I am but a bad year for the broke ass student that I am. Right, need to get a job between all this chaos. Too many good bands stopping over and I'd be damn if I miss them.

I CAN DO THIS!!

okay, the pulsing in my head is getting quicker. Need to shut down and get an early start. Insyallah everything will work out. Yallah,please give me the strength to pursue each of my work with diligence! Amin.

the mess

leaving isn't quite the same, he said to me,

as running away

if you're scared or tired of what you're scared of

well, why should you stay?

he loved to say goodbye

and always counted out the time

until he was free, to get up and leave

to learn how to breath

again



slipping out to have a cigarette with someone else that he'd never met

ask her if by the way would she like to run away

and try to forget?

or just not to stay, to leave without saying why



to get up and go

to catch the last train

to get in some car

and drive out again

to never come back this way....

and have to say....

goodbye
---------------------
turn all the he into a she.

need to sort of the mess. the mess in my head. the mess in my closet. the mess in your life.

Another night,another nightmare.

I saw you in my dreams again last night. You gave me another warm feathery kisses across the cheek gently as if doing so might scare me away. Oh the contrary I was pleased like a child getting the toy she has been harboring over for quiet some time. I don't understand why you keep coming to me in my dreams, but I rather not dwell on them too much. Maybe my subconscious mind is giving me a subtle hint of what I feel and how I should react to them. However, I refuse to act upon this hormonal needs for I now what reality have in store for me. These dreams, they are just wishful thinking mixed in with estrogens and bit of too much television.

Delighted as I am to be dreaming about your smile and kisses, I have been dreaming about my sister too. In my dreams, she always came home for the weekend all the way from Australia. The setting will always be a big dinner party with the whole brood, and I can't seem to ever have the time to speak to you alone because everyone else wants you to themselves too.

Although, last night's dream was an improvement. We laughed, ate and smiled a lot. Just like we used too. I can't believe I wouldn't be seeing your godawful pretty face until December.A whole year not hugging you.A whole year not fighting with you. A whole year not calling you names. A whole year not getting angry at you. A whole year not crying in your arms. A whole goddamn year not seeing you cry and give my shoulder to lean on.

I feel myself, changing with you not around. I have yet to learn if those changes are good or bad.

Insyallah they are for the better.

show me the manual

here we are again.

I need to make a decision of the next turn in my life. This time, I do know what I want. But they don't seem to see the importance of my choice because time is of the essence. yeah, i get that. that is why i need to do what I want to do to prevent myself from making the wrong decision and waste more time. I just need time, distance and space to figure it out thoroughly.

I need to spent the last of my teenage year doing what I've always wanted as a child. I don't want to let that kid down by running towards being a full-blown adult just yet. I need to still find my footing on what kind of an adult or heck maybe just a person as I enter a new phase of life.

It must seem silly for them to understand this, but I need to explore for a bit on my own. Maybe i can find the answers there. I am always searching, not for myself , but for parts that I can assimilate and create myself. I am truly a firm believer that one is shape by experience. I need a new environment to experience damn it!

let me have this please. Yallah please let they see my reasoning and comprehend it with open heart.I want their blessings.

Insyallah everything will work out well. I just need to keep positive and look at my goal dead in the eye and say "This is what I want!"

The universe will fall through for me.I just know it!

show me the manual

here we are again.

I need to make a decision of the next turn in my life. This time, I do know what I want. But they don't seem to see the importance of my choice because time is of the essence. yeah, i get that. that is why i need to do what I want to do to prevent myself from making the wrong decision and waste more time. I just need time, distance and space to figure it out thoroughly.

I need to spent the last of my teenage year doing what I've always wanted as a child. I don't want to let that kid down by running towards being a full-blown adult just yet. I need to still find my footing on what kind of an adult or heck maybe just a person as I enter a new phase of life.

It must seem silly for them to understand this, but I need to explore for a bit on my own. Maybe i can find the answers there. I am always searching, not for myself , but for parts that I can assimilate and create myself. I am truly a firm believer that one is shape my experience. I need a new environment to experience damn it!

let me have this please. Yallah please let they see my reasoning and comprehend it with open heart.I want their blessings.

April shines through

"The sun was warm but the wind was chill.
You know how it is with an April day.
When the sun is out and the wind is still,
You're one month on in the middle of May.
But if you so much as dare to speak,
a cloud come over the sunlit arch,
And wind comes off a frozen peak,
And you're two months back in the middle of March."
- Robert Frost, Two Tramps in Mud Time, 1926

We are already fast approaching the first half of the year in an blink of an eye. I really can't believe that it is already April! That'll bring me to certain milestones in my year so far. First, it will be 2 months since my sis went to the land of down under and eight months till i see her prudy face again. This also means that I am this much( ) close to being a trainee teacher in some suburban primary school.
How daunting is that? pretty much what I am force to think about every bloody day. This also marks the fourth months since I succumb to peer pressure and social habits that is becoming the youth of our nation(I'll let you speculate which one is it because I rather not say it on here).Don't need anymore heat since the days(and nights) have been way too humid that I feel most of my days are spent fighting the UV rays to get going about my work.
However, I think being a Malaysian, it is something that one gets use to easily.This is a country where the humidity can fry an egg on the side walk(i've never tried, but very sure that it is possible)and still see people be wearing layers of clothing. Just amazing eh? those mat salleh I've always see on the monorail with their shorts and light-weight tops looks absolutely suffocated in the Malaysian weather while i stand there in my hijab and 2 layers of articles and feeling easy-breezy pumpkin breezy.Don't i sound like a cocky bitch right about now? deal with it.
Besides dealing with the scorching sun (i really blame global warming), my last studying semester has commenced just a week ago and I am totally buried with things to do. Can't believe it has been 2 years since I've started on this journey towards building a better future for me and the people I love.
Tired as I am with the multitude of projects on the coming months, I am pretty much stoked to be doing a farewell dinner for my class. We have gone through so much together. My class is nothing short of amazing. We are loud and silly to always reminding you to not take life so seriously because once you get out of high school. You tend to forget the simplicity of what life was before you try so hard to make the best of yourself in this dog-it-dog world.
Aside from all this, I really miss my sister and I can't wait to travel. Fuck what people say, i need to see the world beyond this South Eastern shore line.Taking a year off wouldn't kill me. Not taking a year off would probably be the death of me. so, next year if the world does end, I better be leaving a really good one.

Jibber Jabber

I was going to tell you about how my day was but you’re not my boyfriend so I’ll save you from being bored to death or maybe just confuse with the antics of the people I’ve voluntarily decided to call friends. They can be a handful, but you will get use to them once you give them a chance.

So then I thought, why not talk about spending Thursday night consoling an eleven year old that it is ok to be different? That’s a good topic. I’m all about celebrating uniqueness! However, I don’t feel like getting all roil up and end up sounding all preachy at 4 o’clock in the morning.

I then did want to tell you about the narrow mindedness of a human being that I call a friend towards the people I love. I know now that some people can never get past the stereotype. But you are not my shrink so I should just zip it. Then what you ask? What can we talk about if it’s not my day, my friends and my worries?

Lets just put on a thinking hat and come up with something interesting to say. Or better yet! Do the noodle dance! You do know what is a noodle dance don't you? It is where you shut your eyes and start shaking what your momma gave you and think of noble ideas to solve a problem.

That brought me back to being 10 and a couch potato. I’m still am, but for only a period of time. That is during the holidays and when my brother isn’t hogging up the television to himself. Which I must say, what he does most of them time. You know, when I was younger my primary school teacher always asked us to manage our time properly for homework and watching cartoons. She said we need to cut down our tv time to 2 hours a day. I started calculating of the time I spent in front of a box and frown. Not because I was spending way too much time on watching tv, but because it was impossible to cut down to only 2 hours a day. Just thinking of all the cartoons I’ll be missing gave me a headache. I thought she was utterly crazy for saying that. Really, I did.

If she could see me now, I can go days without watching the tv!
Although,lately I've been indulging on tv more than i should on tv series instead of cartoons. one can never get enough of criminal minds! to me, it is a daily reminder of how fuck up the world is and it's okay to feel paranoid sometimes.

Anywho, i think i've yapped on more than i should. hope you're not falling off your chair reading this post. As for me, i will finally be spending the week free of assignments and projects since november.

ain't that nice?

(is it me, or do i always end my blog post with a question?)

oh we meet again

Mr. Holiday i awaits your arrival with peachy cheeks and a beaming smile. I've got my shoes on and clothes set for our one week adventure.

will i sing again?

Kate wasn't in to moderation

Thats what led to her frustration

And the state of her crumbling heart

Says I'm not a girl for temperance

Though I know its at my hearts expense

But a downward spiral has to have a rock bottom

She paints the walls blue and green

Singing about her lovers and dreams

And explains her helpless desperation

Take off your shoes

Unravel your blues

This place is full of beggars and choosers

But the consequence of her liberty was bad

My hearts wants to go one way

My mind don't agree

Cause they,

They have fallen out recently

Know thy self

She said as she guided me round the land of the dead

Introducing her friends stuck in the same mess

Ships might be built for sailing my love

And easels made for painting

But you ain't no sailor and I'll never be camera shy

My hearts wants to go one way

My mind don't agree

Cause they,

They have fallen out recently

She said

Will I praise again?

Oh will I praise again?

- Mumford&Sons

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

will i sing again?

will this voice calls out again?

why wouldn't it?

why wouldn't you try?

well, i wasn't any good in the first place.

only she made it sound better for the both of us.

now that she is here no more,

i can't seem to sing again.

not if it's her.

only her.

one day, we'll meet and I want you to say that you are sorry for making me wait so long.

mumford&sons

I love that i didn't stumbled upon them but had the sudden urged to finally give them a listen after reading their name here and there on the net and of course, Frankie Magazine. But you know me, when it comes to music, I have to not plan or sought out, but discover. I somehow feel more connected to it when it is able to depict things I am unable express. Especially through music (you know i can't sing to save my life). So when i saw them performed on the Grammy, I was just amazed at their enthusiasm in playing music. They were at it with their foot-thumping and head-banging(yeah,who would have thought you can head bang to folk music *i certainly didn't*) antics all the while smiling at each other cheekily, just made me smiled. I was sold right there and then.

Astonishingly, I've found that their songs, aren't just songs. they are poetry that i wished to delve into like it is something out of my english literature book. I find them so honest, so i like a little honesty in my life right now. Not to mention that they're a bunch of romantics when it comes to life. their outlook on the world transcend in their music. Just nothing short off wonderful really.
Oh,it helps that they have that alluring brit?scottish? accent. everything just sounds better in a british accent really.

Before i turn all fan-girlie on you, i best end my ramblings here.

Hope, it'll be a better week devoid of heartaches, tears, rage and of course,natural disaster.Japan, you'll make it through. If you can rise from the aftermath of Hiroshima, this is nothing. Your determination will always be the talk of generations.

knock*knock*

hey, i've been coming here and pondering if i should write my thoughts down and hit that publish button and feel for a moment that my words might actually meant something to someone. i have issues i know. i also know ive let some people down by saying my goodbye a few weeks ago. *shout out to Miss Cho for have always been giving great support in my ongoing rambling here*

truth is, i miss writing here. ive been making progress with my journal. when i say progress, it means writing my ramblings unedited on smooth cream coloured pages and feel like ive achieved some sort of goal.

you see, its the only way for me to remind myself of my dream. wish is to able to write better than the day before. Also to be able to let out the multitude of inner conflicts that seems to never go away by just talking to someone. writing helps me reflect and discover things ive never even thought off.

its nice.

it makes whatever im facing today seems easier because i just keep on looking to the future i want for myself and it keeps me calm because i have something that i want badly. maybe it will ruin me, because we all know that desire means despair.

oh,the contrary(philosopher that said that,whom i can't for the life of me recall right now and too pump out in writing here to be googling on another tab),

it is a promise i've kept to someone i love and i don't have the intention to let down someone that is so near and dear to me. i will try my best. besides, it has always been my dream to wonder somewhere new. I'm just thirsty for an adventure and better understanding of each other as well as having the opportunity to polish my english language skill.

hopefully, it'll work out. hopefully the adults understand why i have to take a break. i just don't want to go with the flow anymore because the flow isn't bringing me to places i want to go.

i've decided to stay abroad (Australia) for a period of time before continuing my degree. yes, ill probably waste more than half a year but i don't want to rush into anything unless i am positive about my choice. insyallah i will be able to satisfy my inner gypsy.even if it's for a shorter period than i've planned.i know now that, there is nothing wrong with dreaming big.

you'd think with all my big talk, i'm not afraid. well kids, ive always been afraid to dream. this is a first for me.

bye.

it seems sort of unrealistic.

did i ever tell you about the many nights i woke up with a startled, finding salty liquid running down my cheeks due to the dream of being left behind? well, this time it felt like those countless nightmares seemed to becoming true. maybe my fear is to be forgotten, or maybe it was to not being that significant in anyone's life that i was easily replace and forgotten.

yes.

i think that is my fear even thought i am self professed loner that feels comfortable just being.kinda ironic dont you think? its not a lover that i seek...its so much more. i dont think right now i am satisfied by just having someone to hold, but i feel like i need more.

do you think im just tired of the same bullshit?

probably.

the problem here is easy,i dont know what i want.

even when i do, theres so much obstacles in the way that i felt forced to give up on it and now i dont know what i want anymore.

sad really, to be going in circles like an idiot because nothing inspires me anymore.

but today, today i know what i want but i have to go through many things before i get there. at first i felt like a new born having such wonder about the world, but when night fell things sort of took a turn into something bleak and hopeless. am i that weak? guess i am.

i dont write as often as i want too. i rather not speak either.i want to quietly pick up my bags and leave without a trace.im sorry but i need to think without these voices influencing my decisions. i think this will be my last post. i cant write freely anymore. i thought when i was able to write easily here that i was getting better but instead all ive been doing was restricting my thoughts.

i owe whoever reads this blog this explanation. the ones i know and dont, thanks for reading my ramblings. sorry if it sometimes feel incoherent babbles like right now.

thanks and dont worry, im ok.trust me :)

details in the fabric

If it's a broken part, replace it

But, if it's a broken arm then brace it

If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

Hold your own

Know your own name

And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Everything will be fine

Mmmhmm

i am proud of myself for the friends ive made because they are all distinct individuals that never cease to amaze me and i am thankful to be surrounded by minds that ; does not judge or scrutinize my actions, there for me when i need a shoulder to cry on, there for me when my world comes crashing down, there for me when i need a little cheering up, there for me when i need to do something stupid, i thought i wouldnt be able to consider anyone but these set of friends as friends but 2 years has passed and now i see that there is room for more people to join in the party.

this week has made me realized how kind people can be. that their intentions are always good and i am thankful for their constant support to keep being myself.

Sadly,with this revelation, a friendship ive been building for years seem to be dwindling down to ashes.

i know now that people can be so blinded by their own needs and the years you've known them doesnt count in trying to understand such behaviour.

lets play the blame game

i think im getting lazier to blog on here because I've recently rediscovered tumblr again for the 3rd time and have been on that more just re-blogging pictures and quotes that depicts my day. you should check it out at threadovermouth for daily dosages of what really inspires me if you are interested. if not, just click on there anyways and check out my rad theme(I REALLY THINK IT IS ,SO DEAL WITH IT) and beautiful,moving,artistic pictures i wished i took.

hence, i am partly blaming tumblr for sidetracking me from here. there is a lot of pointing fingers lately and i ought to be ashamed of myself for being the supporter of such action. but i couldn't help it when i feel like i am being sadly mistreated.

at the end of this, i wonder who will come out and say "it's my fault lets just forget this".

those words probably wouldn't come from my lips because i can't let go of the things unsaid and done. this shouln't come as a surprise to you since i am firstly a girl and secondly a scorpio.

ohgossh,there i go again blaming my zodiac sign and my gender for being so vengeful.

darn it! now i am really wondering about the mess i am in. the endless jabber in my head has resulted to me having reoccurring dream about some psycho killer out to kill my friends and i. so, now i sleeping with the night light just so i can sleep easily.

maybe I ought to get this mess sorted soon so i can save the environment and save the polar bears through using less electricity that my froggie ikea night lamp produces.

February is starting off just well as you can see.

old town charm

we are playing hide&seek even though we are all above 20(well,i will be in november while 11 for bro). hence, the reason why we are running like kids at 11 in the morning.oh the things we do for family.

love her shirt to bits
yah,my opah has a thing for lace&floral stuff
I went back to visit my opah and atok during the weekends. oh i love this small town charm, it never cease to amaze me how different it is from where i live. no bustling cars which means no air pollution and also having the freedom to ride bicycles wherever you go.

i was envious at the people riding their bikes to shops and all over the place steadily on the main road. there were no impatient cars or lorries stand intimidatingly nearby like over here.

sometimes i wish i can just pack up and leave the city to have a quieter life in some small town with lots of old architecture surrounding me. oh!and preferably a walking distance to a beach.

if only.....

so,with this wishful thinking, i'll leave you some pictures taken during my time there.

100mph

the year has only just begun i am wishing for it to end quickly. why is that? am i that eager to reach 2012 where psychics have predicted to be the end of us? certainly not! im just scared to face this year because i know it will bring many obstacles that will surely test my emotional strength.

when last year's scars aren't even fully heal and life seem to be putting me in the ringer where the crowd is cheering for my opponent's name and my defeat. life taking the part of the referee shouting at me whether im ready or not. my head is saying "hell no!" but my body stood up in a stance that says "bring it".

you see what i mean? ive painted you a clear picture because my mind is not at ease and its going 100 mph about all sort of things that at some point it crashes and everything goes white then waking up to start over again.

i am tired of starting over again.

wouldnt you?

her

she came knocking on my door late one January evening, it just started raining cats and dogs suddenly when that very afternoon the sun was out high and mighty in the sky shinning blindingly into my eyes. i muttered to myself how humid it was and wished it away like a hag cursing at everything that is beautiful and joyful. i know now why...

she came quietly with a few light knocks on the door and look me straight into the eyes with pity. what can i do but to look away instantly and let her in. she question me on so many things that i end up bawling every time i try to speak. she just gave me a deep sigh and said

"you know i'll be back some day, don't blame this on me"

"then who?"

"you know who"

"but ive tried! they didnt"

"doesn't matter what they did, this is about you"

"but....."

i was lost for words because it got stuck in my throat when the sadness hit me like a blow to the chest and all i could do was crawl into a ball and hold my chest tightly to stop the shaking. right there and then all i wanted to do was pack up all my books and leave.

"so,that is your solution?to run?again?"

"its the only way"

"is it now?"

with shaking hands she packs up all her favourite books and journal into a bag pack and left before they come back and cooed her into staying.

ive tried

yesterday i was up til 4 am trying to give this blog a face lift. when i've finally figured out how to put the layout codes, i then did not know how to use the blog with that design.what a shame i tell ya. the design was so lovely and what i've wanted for my blog.

since i've vowed to write more this year. i felt that a new look would really motivate me to feel more inspired. maybe ill make another blog to test out that design and figure out how it works.

for now this will be where my thoughts chirps.

hows your 2011 going so far?

mine kicked off with examinations so basically my year is starting off how i've predicted it to be. Im looking forwards for the many sleepless nights, endless reading, planning, rendezvous with my friends and also being so far away from my sister Anne.

she will be leaving soon and i am so proud of her achievements. to all the boys out there,if you feel incompetent next to her astounding beauty and brain then shine your shoes and make yourself a fine lad because she dont deserve less than who she is.both my sisters. love them to bits even when we fight like cats and dogs.its what makes us closer than ever.

so this year i know so many things will change.

i'll be a teacher in a couple of months. look how time just flew right by you and sneak up on you cunningly. if feels like that time in a mentoring meeting and i got call to the front to give a speech about my previous mentor that i barely know. i winged it of course,and start whizzing out my words and then walked out of the class after i was done. not one of my best moments.

in a nutshell,thats what my internship feels like right now.

so what happens after that?

oh,thats the question i wished would appear itself eventually. but eventually will come and go.so now i really have to take matter in my own hand dont i.

so what is it going to be Irah?