another one

i hope this song isn't offensive to the deceased.

Today one of my classmate passed away due to cancer. At a ripe age of 19, she left this evening to be with her maker. This is the second person I've known in my life,where their life were cut short due to cancer and this song came to my mind because I was listening to it the first time around and i think now i've associated the song to the disease personally.

I didn't get to know her as well as my other classmates, but she was my classmate regardless. spent a year plus being in the same classroom with her acquiring knowledge like sponges and now she's gone.

what i've learnt is that death usually leaves an emptiness somewhere. like a seat in the exam hall, where every other seat is taken and you can see only that one seat is vacant and you wait and wait for the person to come but they never do.

She was someone dear to one of my good friends at university. To have lost someone you love is never an easy thing to accept and adjust too. I hope he would stay strong and keep the good memories they had in his heart wherever he goes. also to be fueled by her lightness to keep going.

I know I have never been good with death, i feel at lost for words most of the time, but my thoughts and prayers goes to her and her family. I hope she rests in peace. amin.

Almost Goodbye

I feel like I have been dreaming big this passed few months, that it is starting to scare me. Like our friendly neighborhood spiderman said "with big dreams, come big responsibilities" ,something like that. This is a feeling I haven't experience since that breezy sunday morning with my sister talking about my hopes and dreams. I share them with very few people because I see them as something so precious that I have the need to handle it with great care and hide it from people. You can either call me paranoid or responsible. I personally would say it is the former.

My time in MSU is almost up. I can't wait to close this chapter of my life and begin a new one. I've never thought I would be planning my life a year ahead instead of just going with the flow like I've always do. Guess I am growing up.

As this yearning grows bigger for a life of travelling and discovering, I do feel a heartache leaving a group that I have had the opportunity to befriend for the last 2 years. It has been swell getting to know these people. I didn't plan to share so much laughter, secrets and even tears with them, but I did. that is the truth of it all. I did all those things in a span on 2 years, which is something sort of extraordinary, because you know what a close off bitch I can be to people outside of my circle. I think that is it; they have taught me how to be more accepting of others and I am forever grateful for that.

That being said, it is no surprise that I will miss them a lot. I know it is not over yet, but everyone has been posting sappy words of gratefulness and goodbye that I can't help getting caught up in the emotions too. I'll write a proper post about bidding everybody goodbye once it is all over. However, be warn that the next few weeks I will probably enter a state of nostalgia and I will be post many almost goodbye.
One wouldn't do them justice, would it?

PS: i know spiderman didn't say that ok.
PSS: I am so scared it all will blow up in my face. so scared, but guess i have to risk it to get the biscuit! go big or go home right? As usual, i can think of bajillion reasons how it can go wrong, but i know the solutions are there too. i just need to work hard, be patience and soldier through. insyallah it will go as I hope it would. pray for me please.

Little Lion Man

Weep for yourself, my man
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rape yourself
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?

Tremble for yourself, my man
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble little lion man
You'll never settle any of your score
Your grace is wasted in your face
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Learn from your mother
Or else spend your days biting your own neck

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?

we are one at the end of the day. A bunch of little lion men.

Only mumford and sons has the words because I can't seem to come up with them.I really hope I get to meet them one day and tell them how much their music makes me feel like there is a silver lining in the darkest days of my life and how much it has inspired me to love writing more and fueled my passion for it.

hairy situation

i should start by saying the dinner was great, it made me felt like i was hanging with a bunch of friends and not just classmates. But the road to reach that feeling was a tad rocky. maybe that was an understatement. it was hell. but hey, why dwell on the bad shit in life when you can always reminisce on the good stuff? i take what i can get because not everyday is a good day. I am grateful, that is all.

so, aside from that, I have two weeks of lectures to go and I am done. However, this is not a time to throw your fist up in the sky feeling victorious because that can only mean one thing and one thing only, internship. 1 month to go and i am feeling oh so adequate day by day, which is just great!

even with this in mind, i am still not going to run away crying because I know it is just anxiety and fear talking. so best keep all the negativity in box, tie it to helium fill balloon and let it the fuck go. this is all old news so lets just put that aside bring up the topic of hair.

oh you know how much i love to fuck up my hair. i went into facebook a few weeks ago and saw my fringe up-do and was proud of myself for donning it like a boss. fuck people that says if you don't suit a style because you are not what is deem normal size or look by the media and society. do it anyways! granted i looked like a coconut, but fuck it, it was badass and i loved it. so, i thought it has been too long since i play(fuck) with my hair. i wanted to do the undercut but HATE the fact that i have to pay someone to shave some of my hair off. you see, my rule of thumb with hair is; don't trust hairdressers with your hair.

i've been screwed by them so many times. don't get me started!

yeah sure, it could end up looking fugly. but it is hair, it will grow back. so, i went ahead and did the dip-dyed style. i wanted badly to do some other colour besides red because i have done it so many times but thinking of how well off pissed my parents would be, i went safe and use red.

the result was satisfying and appealing. although, depending on what you think is cool, then you might think i look like part lunatic otherwise it looks awesome.

well, at the end of the day the most important thing you should remember is that i love it,so i dont give a rat's ass about what you think *insert innocent smile*.

okay,that is all for now. i think i am starting to sound angry..

of writer's block perhaps?

i am having sort of writer's block right now. so much has happened in the passed two weeks and I am not writing about it. will there be a dangerous side effect? probably, but right now i just want to stay quiet because i don't want to cry, shout or even smile and laugh.

the I in Island

sedih bila kau buat benda camtuh.

see how sad I am that I could only expressed it in bahasa. this never happens. I wish I could talk to you, but theres a hole between us. Someone is digging it day by day and it is getting bigger that as much as I try to shovel back the earth into the hole it never closes up because someone down there is shoveling it out at twice the speed.

My arms have gotten tired to the point my mind asking "what is the point?", so i put down the shovel and left you there making an island for yourself and the hole digger.