retracing thy footsteps

i can not believe that the year is coming to an end already.i was reflecting on what has happened this year and realized that I don't really remember much on it. good thing I have this blog to recall back on my year. I think ill be spending the next few days reading back my own blog post wincing, laughing and feeling flabbergast!

RIBIT-ing all night long

i dont know if its the weather but my mood is as damp as the surfaces it falls on.

all i do lately is drink cups of tea and read my nick hornby book. which i've finished last night and now i dont know what to read anymore because I've got no new book waiting to be immerse in except that daunting dance,dance,dance book which I have yet to finish. It is such a mind bending book that Ive been trying to finish since May and failing miserably. Just like catch-22 which is more challenging because of it's language that reminds me a lot of catcher in the rye only that its 3 times thicker than the famous J.D Salinger title.

I'll get to them soon enough when i feel like it. now i just want a good easy read that have a bit of adventure in them. you know, like that new rick riodan's the last hero. a continuation of the percy jackson's series. i love those to bits. i recommend it if you are looking for a day of laughter, courage, magic and monsters.

guess,for tonight i will have to make do with just tea and tv(Bones and criminal minds are proving to be just so damn addictive!) for i have sent out the S.O.S to a fellow book enthusiast

for new books. i'm the type of person that dont really care much for title, when the need kicks in i just want to consume everything i can get my hand on. although, ive been refraining myself from getting into the genre of romance because i see the it is as junk food to your soul. besides, the whole i met a guy, fuck him senseless,i have commitment issues but we end up working it out gets oh-so really old dont you think?

so, i hope tomorrow my friend will come and bring me something good to read for i need it to accompany the pot of tea i will be brewing.

oh another thing, reading in bed is terrific! therefore, happy RIBIT-ing! (this is an actual campaign if i am not mistaken)

bumpy road

the problem with love is that sometimes you cant stop caring even when it only hurts. so by all means, go all the way and see if you will fall from the highest point or just find yourself on safe ground. ive given all that i can in the people i want to love, that is just the easy part. the hardest is keeping it through the obstacles thrown at you. to love takes courage, to keep it takes determination. sometimes you cant just give up because whatever difficulty you are going through might just be a bump on the road.

however,this does not apply to an abusive relationship or any sort that arent healthy. if you find yourself in those then run for the hills girlfriend because it is not worth loving someone that dont respect you as a person and for who you are. love hurts but it does not have to be painful.

gosh,im spurting all this cheesy aphorism out of thin air as i write more in my light ridden room trying to think of something worth but all my thoughts just seem so sappy. is this the aftermath of a good thing? guess everything has to balance out somehow.

what a nightt

there is nothing like a good night out with friends you've known for the passed 6 years more or less and some that you've recently acquainted and clicked instantly. the endless inside jokes, teasing, telepathy, and laughs. they never stops and you are remained of how blessed you are when the laughters died down and everyone sat quietly in silence staring outside the car window. it is that silent that you dont feel like you need to fill in because it feels so comfortable just being quiet for a second before the laughters starts again. it is priceless. i wouldnt trade anything for what this.

we are fast approaching 2011 and i am really looking forward to it even though i know it will be a hell of a year for me. despite, that little fact, i am still excited to see what 2011 will bring me cause 2010 has let me met with people that truly has changed my perspective on certain things in life.

kudos to you people. okay,i almost fall asleep while typing this...

one thing

ive always wished that i have a musical bone in me. dont get me wrong, i am a devoted fan to all sort of music but sadly i am not musically gifted. if you know me well, i love to bell out to my fav tunes but i pretty much sound like a cat got its tail step on. suffice to say, i am tone deft baby but i love to sing (just not in public). since i cant sing, this means i cant write songs when most of the time i feel like i am writing lyrics instead of stories. well in a way it is, but they usually leans towards a more poetic touch (well,i like to think they do :D)

something happen yesterday and i dont want to tell you what is it because its too personal that involve the lives of people i wish not to harm through here openly because i can even when im angry and at that time wanted to inflict so much pain to them. But that's the thing, we are given this opportunity to be heard through this various technologies and i am sadden by the abuse of this mediums by some people. before i get into this long winded topic i best do what i came here for, that is to write share a short verse from yesterday. i dont know if i should say enjoy because they aren't that witty or genius.

just words from an angry 19 year old to her peers.

i dont want to tell you about it

i rather you hear me sing the words

words that are meant to hurt

you see,

my mouth feels dry,

from all the shouting to start back from the beginning,

to start back from where it all went wrong,

(where did I went wrong?)

wait..

was there even a beginning?

where did it start and when will it end?

i know you just came here to tell me all my faults

dont even try to tell me other wise

well then if i am right,

get back in line and and wait for you turn,

because i cant hear you through this noises.

yah thats how far i got.

now,im going back to watching modern family because its cracking me up so much.

before i sleep i just

want to say how tonight made me realized how difficult it is to love. and i dont mean love your friends or your family kind of love. i meant the love that every one of us seek. you know, having a lover yet a friend combo love. people tend to forget that the two go hand in hand. sometimes they love just to fill the lonely boring nights but never feeling anything beyond momentarily excitement or love because everyone else is in a relationship so its only natural to be in it themselves.

However, right now i dont want to talk what went wrong. despite the many blunders, i feel that it is important for me to write about went right. even if it is only one right turning, it is the most vital one. mainly,a reminder to myself to look on the bright side.

now i know when it comes to love;

1) go with what you heart says- it knows best

2) follow your intuitions-if it is right you just know

3) dont play games- unless you enjoy the drama

4) be yourself - better he sees you for who you are now then later

5) respect yourself - dont ever do things you feel uncomfortable doing

6) respect that person - the point of loving some one is not to make another you

7) be brave - making the first move can be so daunting

8) stop over thinking too much - in other words stop making assumptions!

you've read something similar in some magazine but im writing based on my own revelation. i want to write more but im dead beat and the sun is rising soon, i need to find my bed and crawl under the covers and hit the lights and switch off my mind.

maybe later today when i've reflect fully on the even that already, is and will happen.

what im saying probably doesnt add up because these are the my chunks of thoughts and i cant seem to be able to make them connect together properly right at this moment.

the other side

i think ive seriously woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. i got all flustered over something as petty as my losing my retro black rimmed specs. to a point that got me shedding a tear. i know, what the fudge right? i feel like i've lost something more than my specs today,although ive found the specs but i dont think i will find what i've lost because im not even sure what is it that ive lost. it is like im waiting for the fuzz to come and tell me that some one i know died and i am needed to identify the body. well,in a more modern and realistic way would be getting a phone call or news via facebook wall post, but i like to dramatize the ordinary a bit. it is the result of too much movies.

uni has just started.
yup, that is about it.

i dont feel like I am at the beginning....it feels some what like an ending. an ending towards an incredibly weary yet revelatory year. sigh.....

sound effects and overdramtics

When the shirt came off, it was all in time
When a m-m-m-minute turned into a mile
And then I broke that grin, and I cut it out
And you got all turned on by the taste of your sin
When I mentioned blue, all you thought was colour
When you mentioned drugs, all I thought was sober
When your pants came off and I turned you over
When you mentioned blue

Kill
Smile
Cut it out for me this time
Smile, haven't seen him smile in a while

Keep the mask aligned
Get it up in time
There's a space between valleys
And try catch a vibe
Make a circle square
A rectangle curve
Use a smile as a noun and I think like a verb

Run quick switch sides
Spill the filled up canister
And the room is shaking
Now you're changing places
And I switched my pace
And my breathing races when you mention blue

Kill
Smile
Cut it out for me this time
Smile, haven't seen him smile in a while [This is not x6]

Kill
Smile
Cut it out for me this time
Smile, haven't seen him smile in a while

Kill
Smile
Cut it out for me
Cut it, cut it out
Smile
Kill
Cut it out for me
Cut it, cut it out

We cut it out

Kill
Smile
Cut it out for me this time
Smile, haven't seen him smile in a while [This is not x6]

Kill
Smile
Cut it out for me this time
Smile, haven't seen him smile in a while

Get down and stay awake
Smile

im 19. what do you expect?

wouldnt u just "SHUTUP!"

one thing ive learnt on monday is that i hate staying at home and not have anything remotely fun to do. talking to my self and reading a book have been great and all but its just not as exciting and i really dont care for the state of my room. it doesnt look that bad. it has character damn it! henceforth i am definitely not in a cleaning mood because the mornings are so hot that i can feel the heat radiating onto my skin in spade even though i am inside standing infront of my stand fan turn up to highest speed. it makes every muscle in my body sluggish and weary because honest to god i think they are fight off the heat by just standing there. moving seem like a real work already so after facing off mr.sunbeam, the weather will then slowly transition into heavy rain. i love rain but i hate thunder. so like a child lost in a shopping mall i wonder the house like a ghost in the dark and then settle on the marble floor in front of the wide double door glass starring at the rain falling in all its glory. they look like they're dancing one by one in a strategic manner. dont u think? see who hits the surface first. yes i am crazy to be coming to this conclusion but really, they're like tiny soldiers descending from the cloud. okay..ive lost it.
okay,ive gotta cut my rambling short because im heading to my cousin's house in a bit.

this post will be continue if i even remember what i was going to say. ;)

when words are lost

songs make up for that so you can just sit back and let yourself and the people you want to reach out to soak in the lyrics and musics that depicts your being at the moment.

this song may seem like a person hanging on to some one they love so tightly, but to me it means holding on to what i love and who i am. you know how every one usually would want to put you in a box because they think they know you better than you know yourself? well,ive had my fair share of that my whole life and i feel like im on a constant battle to make people understand that defying conventionality might not be such a bad thing after all.also for me to do the same towards others. im giving it a shot because when the curtain falls for the last time i don't want to be mistaken for some that i am not or missed the chance to know great individuals that will leave a mark in my life.

yes,ive just turned 19 hence this reflective post.
my last year being a teenager and i want to end it with a bang!

mindgames

"if its just a game..then i like the way that you play"

im tired of setting myself up for a fall but damn it if you think i am not going to soak in this happiness you are wrong! i deserve to feel happy and loved despite the annoying voice at the back of my head going "nooooooooooooo,it is all a lie!!"

i have nothing to say right now because my head is all up in space.

petty

i should be sleeping because the clock just strike 3am and i have work in the morning,but my head just doesnt seem to be able to wrap around the idea of sleep. only allah knows what are my turmoils are and i wish so much to tell the world about it but it seem selfish to unload this weigh i have upon it. it has better things to resolve then my petty problems.so tonight i think i will do what everyone else is doing, fall asleep with dry salty cheeks.

square one.

i owe you an explanation for the post earlier. but imma be a bitch and not even try because there is none. i am simply putting it in a lock box and throw away the key. sir, the point here is moot. there is no point. im taking the short cut out of this circle because i believe everything happen for a reason.

so,let start over.

i wish i can wear a tag that says

"i love m&m rather than skittles. i love to reminisce.i read for pleasure and i find solace in music.but most importantly, i will accept you for who you are =).
Hi, im Irah. whats yours?"

if only.

thanks

"im falling in love but its falling apart.lets go back to the start."

You've got mail

dear lovelies,

i am in the pink of health. enjoying every bit of my time off from dreadful florescent lit hallways and assignments for a change. i like that my days aren't planned and calculated because now i have the freedom to go about wherever, whenever and whoever i want too. however, knowing me, you know i only seek two things.they are good company and great conversations.
i live for those two things. everything else seem pale in comparison to those two things. so here i am a week later since i've took off towards the sunset with mr.holiday. it's been quiet a week! we went to catch a quintet from Tennessee played all the tunes we've been singing for what it felt like out whole lives, then met the most lovelies soul a long the road.
she is on her journey of gastronomic adventure because she is a life-long foodie so we couldnt resist it when she wanted to share some of her findings with us. so there we were going from one place to the other stuffing our faces with good food that left us feeling so contented and loved. before you start going off about me eating my heart out, i should mentioned that is not the only adventure i had. we talked about what we've always wanted to do that never gotten the chance to do so and i happened to mention that i am living my day with a mental checklist of the things ive never done.
"so,what is it?",she asked with a very query look on her face.
"don't laugh....but i've never karaoke.i suck a singing but i love to sing"
"lets do it then!like right now"
"NOW?NOW?what, but im reeeeaaallly awful"
"its okay, no one will hear you! what, you need time to practice or something? its not like you are entering a competition".
before i know it, a mike was shoved into my face and we were dancing to the hit tunes of the 90s. man am i a 90s child or what!
after that,we had to bit her goodbye because she was heading back to her obligations and cant be on the road all day long. oh,things werent always fun and games because we got lost one time that i wanted to cry and have a break down. but she assured us it will be okay, and it did. a lesson learned was that when on the highway and you missed and exit, just keep going straight.NO MATTER WHAT.and trust the sign boards.they aren't completely useless.
oh after that frightening detour we had, i just wanted to take everything slow for awhile. but the next day i found myself amidst a bunch of arab boys with skins as white as snow and a hint of rosy cheeks that every girl give the world to have. who are they? descendant of snow-white?? jeez. i guess having interracial best friend does have its benefits. not the lurid type you are thinking, but the it let me see the a new part of the world that i've seldom venture in.
so here i am writing to you on a notepad ive bought at the gas station we stopped by and mr.holiday is pumping some fuel into the car for we are heading are way to meet really an old friend. i've missed her so much.
until next time lovelies. hope you are doing well there. =)

19th oct 2010-the freaks came out and dance

A date that will be remembered for the rest of my life. i dont have carefully calculated words to tell you of my night at paramore's concert except that in life when you have that moment to do something you've wished for so long,come rain or shine you have to follow through and grab that moment by the neck and shout back all the words that have been kept close to your heart all these years and dance.

dance,dance,dance!

the 16 year old me would be very proud of me right now because i didnt forget her. i didnt let her go completely as i grew older.ive kept the promise made 4 years ago. it took that long but it was worth the wait, money and sweat.

i wouldnt have it any other way.*although meeting them would be super awesome*

i wouldnt forget being in the crowd and singing to the words with thousands of people with my hand in the air and looking to my side at my best friends doing the same and we just smiled. we were living the moment. right there and then we forgot about all the obstacles we are going through and will go through as we get older and try to make something of ourselves. that feeling and mental image will be forever embedded in my head for as long as i live, breath and laugh.

what a way to kick off my holiday. im so grateful Allah let me have this moment even though it is probably not right but music is and always be apart of me. i find solace in the tunes and artistically written words.

this feels like a bittersweet closure to my teenage years cause ill be turning 20 next year.
bitter cause ill be leaving the realm of teens and into adulthood which i dont find least bit appealing although it has it advantages.
sweet because i've no regrets. i've always been honest to myself, to the people around me and ive always make my own path in life.im the weirdo that is very PROUD of it!

mr.holiday

he is finally here! about time already.i was losing my my mind stressing over not enough studying time that was needed for my exams.

i've got big plans this holiday. i will be put into the wringer for the third time,so wish me luck yeah?
this time ive picked up some new tricks to protect myself from getting hit. I betcha it will be an interesting holiday cause I've got no clue where i stand in this battle. Whatever it is, i know that i must always see the reality of it and follow my mind. the heart seem to be wanting such horrid things.

so Mr.holiday came and pick me up in his shinny silver beatle and we are riding down the highway and into the sunset in full speed while playing tunes singing about freedom. we aint never looking back until my five weeks are up where he will send me packing with a kiss on the both cheeks and promise of a new adventure next time.
im writing this down on a 7eleven resit where we bought the cigarettes and buns for the road.


therefore, for now, i shall just revel in all its blissfulness that feels so sweet if you were to take a bite out of it.

oh mr.holiday, you make me shine like the moon in the sky.

ps: Hope your holiday will be an adventure.

house arrest

confinement at home: a form of legal confinement in which people who have been arrested are not allowed to leave their own homes.

this is what i've been feeling this whole exam week.

my little decoy

what would you do when you looked around and saw the wreckage desire had tragically fell on you and the people you love?what have we done that is so wrong to deserve such beatings? how much more would we pawn to get a little taste of affection?

"you have to pay for wanting the wrong things"

the game we played left us buckled on our knees with our arms hugging ourselves while rocking it gently back and forth trying to ease the shock that still runs down our spine. we couldn't even find comfort in the consolation of the people that have loved us from the start. Partly, we blamed it on them for not warning us about this game that will leave us spent, broken and used.

everyone was nursing their bruising hearts at their corner with hands shaking and face vacant but eyes full of emotions that flickers from despair to anger and back to despair.

At that point all I wanted was to run.Run out of this place. It seemed to be sucking the life out of me. I'm starting to forget who am I.

"Who am I?"

I ran towards the heavy wooden door and twist on the knob but to no avail it wouldn't open. I could hear the clinging of their shackles especially made for me so they can keep me here.

"Fuck,they're coming for me"

My heart was racing, my mind was screaming and I acted on instinct. I took a few steps back and went for it. I slammed my right side to the door and wailed out from the pain. However sadistic i may sound, it never felt so good to hear the crushing of bones of my right shoulder and the door bursting open at the same time. My body thought otherwise though.I blacked out from the collision before seeing whats on the other side.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Close your eyes and make believe this is where you want to be
Forgetting all the memories, try to forget love cause love's forgotten me
Well hey, hey baby, it's never too late pretty soon you won't remember a thing
And I'll be distant, as stars reminiscing
Your heart's been wasted on me

You've never been so used as I'm using you, abusing you
My little decoy
Don't look so blue, you should've seen right through
I'm using you, my little decoy
My little decoy
-Paramore

2 stars?really

the star gave EAT,PRAY,LOVE 2 stars only.

screw it, you should go watch it anyways because it was beautifully made and it did the book justice!

however, you know whats better? reading the book. it is so inspiring and uplifting. i felt a sense of reassurance when i read it. it made me feel that it is ok to not know all the time and be brave to change and i am ever evolving.

:)

the last class.

I am getting sick of too damn brightly lit hallways by the ever blinding fluorescent lights of my academia.
I need to cave in a reverie where they can't find me.
What i need then is a good book.

ready?set,GO!

to join Elizabeth Gilbert on her journey of self-recovery and discoveries :)
just that this time, its on big screen.
hopefully i get to see the movie this thursday or friday.

To Fara:

i want to write a few of this post for you because i can't seem to think all at once. my mind is in a state of sluggishness where there are moments where my mind seem to be quiet as if it is in mourning too for your lost. then these words starts to spur out like getting the last bits of ketchup out of the bottle. I have to literally pry it out of my head because it gets stuck between sadness and worries.

I wish yesterday was a dream for all of us dear, especially you my dear. Maybe it is wrong for me to say that, because its a waste of time to be in denial and we should just accepts that this is Allah's grand scheme of life. However, it does not mean you have to swallow it whole like a good little girl eating her medicine because its good for her. Show a little bit of resistance of you want because i want that drive to extol you always get up and face your day better than yesterday. I know right now you dont have the will to walk the line confidently like you usually do but man you have more balls that any other girl i know (and i know a few) so believe in yourself that you have the guts to be better without your hero my your side.

he has thought you well, you are the most stable-headed girl i know so maybe it is his time to go. he was such a great father to you and your siblings, please remember the light he has shone in your live and bring that where ever you go.

even when you've done that and the day still seem bleaker than ever, you know where to find us tards because we are here for you through thick and thin. we were with you when the day was sunny and blue, we will be with you when your days are damp and grey.

okay?

i love you so much Farah.

current

its because i understand how you feel that its difficult for me to tell you how to be strong because the emotions you are feeling now is going through my veins. Not as electrifying but even a spark can send a little jolt to my body. i know you are feeling the current in every inch of your breath.that is why i cry when you do. i'm sorry.................

parawhore

i am one.
ive been one since i saw the kerrang article of them tina showed it to me where they were reviewed on gig they played somewhere in england. there stood hayley with her fiery red hair all mussed with her orange microphone in hand and her mouth looking like it could swallow it up and her eyes squeeze tight.
then,i heard conspiracy. i was sold. i think they are the first band i've just got into because of the music. i swear til this day i dont know hayley's birthday or her actual age until a month ago because someone told me. so, it is suffice to say that they are the post-MCR band i've listen to when things got a little be rowdy being a fan of my chem. there were too much "this is my opinion and im sticking with it!" attitude from people around me and people all over the world. i felt suffocated being in such a hostile environment that i just wanted out.

the thing with paramore is it felt like your bestfriends are singing songs about the good and bad time you all faces together. you know like a soundtrack to your teenager years. at that time things were really on the rocks with my bestfriends so it was nice to ran to music such as theirs and find that comfort there where i dont have to lose myself again in the hate that was just radiating from every one of my friends.

i remembered finding solace in 'that's what you get', ' let the flames begin' and 'miracle'. i dont know how to explain this to you but it helped washed away the hatred,anger and doubt. i know
one would ask "irah,why cant you find that i the quran". well, i am sorry, im sorry that i failed in finding solace that there and that way when im a muslim. but arent you glad i didnt drown myself in substances and alcohol instead like many of my peers are doing these days?

so, cutting short my ramblings. they are coming here in october. is it weird that i felt it. like something big was happening but i did not foreseen this! dayum. yes, i fancy myself as a psychic.Im a girl.we know this stuff.

so now, im listening to their songs 24/7! even when im doing number 2 in the crapper. when im walking up to classes, when im in class, when i talk to people sometimes and when im about to sleep. oh,its the new songs i'm listening too because im not familiar with them much so i thought i gave them a listen a few weeks ago and man how again the songs fit perfectly with the happenings of my life.

good job, hayley,josh,zach,taylor and jeremy.

so im estatic. naturally...couldnt you tell?:D

dream a little dream

yesterday i watched the last song. yes miley fuking cyrus was in it. castrate me if you want but was intrigued to see her outside of disney and hannah montanna for a change. and sadly, she failed. i wasn't annoyed with her but rather the character they gave her. It was too pigeon-holed. ahh yes,you have the typical adoloscent rebelling against her parents and wearing dark clothing but yet, we know this teenage supposedly "time bomb" have the IQ of a genius and the heart of gold.

i thought there would be something more to the story but its a story my 10 year old brother could have written. He has a blog you see and writes better than some people my age i know. i havent read the book so i can't say how much they've followed it but i've watched other movies based on the nicholas spark's novels and they have remained to be among my favorite movies in the romance genre of all time.

speaking of which, the other day i was watching this apparently CLASSIC romantic movie title "FRANKIE AND JOHNNY". Now that is something! How they've captured love between two people seem so ordinary; no breaking into songs, no explosions and no grand gesture.

the message its soundly putting out was being love and to love is a grand gesture on its own.
how nice is that.
makes a non-believer such as myself to not swoon but see the logic in the whole idea.
maybe, just maybe i will call some one sayang. however, now i have to swat that idea aside because yesterday too i was dreaming of a future that will leave you flabbergast. i dont know if i should tell you, it seem too precious to let it out of the bag just yet.

just to enlighten you how a 10 year old thinks nowadays, please hit up my brother's blog cunningly called FOOD MONSTER.

I dont know why its easier to write about anything these days but i am glad and thankful that i am still going at it because writing helps me learn about myself and express my over rambled thoughts. also, commitment ! only allah knows how i have a huge problems with commitments.

strip down

stick with me now wouldnt you dearest readers?

i know i've been writing sappy post lately but this huge chunk of my year is about accepting what the heart wants with the involvement of another human being.one that seem to make me feel the need to fill in the void in my heart. i'm growing up and this is part of the process that i've been avoiding pretty much 18 years of my life. part of me wants to get it over with as soon as i can but it will feel like i didnt even try and that feeling is much worse than this running around in a constant state of ambivalent.

im learning.

i caught myself

For M.

"I should have never thought of you,i knew,i know in my heart is not you,i knew"

she feels like crying but her tears doesnt seem to want to be release themselves from her tear duct.

"Let go will you, there is no way it will work out.you two are from two different worlds. would you sacrfice

yourself for the likes of him? would he do the same? would he put aside his beliefs just to hold your hand

with the rest of the world as an audience?i doubt that"

"shutupshutupshutup!"

her insides split into two and walked away from her body as two different person and went at each

other with fist and hammer towards each other.she cant stop them because there is no her to make the move. it is

like she's a lifeless doll waiting for those two charges to set her to live again.

where is he when all this is going down?

where is he when things are falling apart?

where is he when she can't seem to see straight anymore?

at that moment she let out a feral scream fill with anguish and rage the two stop quarelling and disappear into

thin air. then she blacked out from the pain...

compromise

one word that is not in my vocabulary.

i wonder if it will be my downfall.

the beat

there was a time where i could turn back time and just push it aside because the idea of it is so silly and impossible that only a madman would ponder over it too much.However, tonight and the next i am personally yours to watch me truly diving myself in the beautiful chaos once again. For in these beats i'm rewinding over and over again seem to be taking me back to a time and place that i wish it wasnt all in my head. they are vaguely ebbing away like a dream that come and go in a flurry flash of memories. everything moved in milliseconds but all too quickly they're gone. you ask me if i am living in the past, well...maybe the present is pale in comparison.

oh if you know me babe, i am nothing but pale. If i could i want to discover a new colour and name it after myself. you will laugh now because i wish for things that only exist in books, but i believe in a world that one can shine the way one wants. Mine just happens to be in every spectrum of the colour in a dark room.

so let me drown myself in this beat til i fall asleep,

a deep sleep that beckons me to those memories so vividly,

by then i wouldnt ask for salvation,

not even when you have your foot press against my chest,

hands wrapped in a violent twist hammering towards my lips,

not even when i've got blood on your floor,

i still wouldnt ask for your saving,

because babe i dont need one.

so stop whispering love songs in my ears while you watch me die,

the lights from my eyes will be out any seconds now,

the image of your puzzled face will be savored,

for i know why you are wondering why i'm still smiling through the pain,

its coz i still hear the sound of the beat drumming madly,

almost keeping me alive...

almost...

click away

remember those?

i want a camera now!so i can take pictures again.........ive lost Ace(my old camera) awhile ago and im regretting it now. i'm seeing the visions again...and i feel a little lost not having a camera to make those visions come true..what a douche i can be for not appreciating Ace...

sun kisses

this was where she stayed and read her copy of haruki murakami. in a wide open space to the left of her university's library compound by the tall glass windows where the sun seemed to be filtering in the most exuberant way. its touch illuminated the white walls making it glow as if it was a placed roamed by divinity. there, she felt the sun kisses her lightly on the cheeks living pink lush stains on her face even long after she has left that room.

for the love of light

anyone that knows me know that i am not a morning person.

i am the creature of the night.

hence, my obsession with owls.

however, i think mornings are great for capturing the light. you know, that moment when the sun rises and the sky just emits that wonderful golden hue like warm honey dash across the baby blue canvas. you would be a fool to not feel the beauty of the world in that moment of time. this morning, after 2 years, i felt that urge to capture the light the best i could even though i was groggy as hell due to lack of sleep.

sorry for the bad quality of a picture, mind you its only 3.2 mega pixel hand phone camera :)

i make the best of everything.

hold on or let go,you decide

when i want to befriend a soul, i am honest about it because i want them in my life. if i do get screw over , then it will probably kill me but i also have a penchant for spontaneity because i can't stand thinking of the could have been after last year's blunder.

so,here i am offering you my friendship, which is far more precious than my heart because in friendship is the only way for me to give it all of me.

you'll learn that in time...

eyes close,heart open,take flight

i can't seem to stop myself from dreaming up a world where I and you goes together like bread and butter. ah,the romantic side of me is fighting off the cynic with a stick vehemently. its almost comical if you picture it.

ill embrace this feelings because i need to smile and see the beauty in every blunder that seems to be associated with you.

lets put aside the silent awkwardness in a jar and throw it out to sea and fill a new one with lots of lovely memories so we can bury it for remembrance. one day,we will dig it up again and marvel at the past that was the reminiscent of our youthful heart; careless and idealistic.

why dont we?

come join the dead poet's society

i felt inspired to write something more poetic after watching the dead poet's society and reading a copy of haruki murakami's dance dance dance.

it was dusk out, so we bask in the remaining off the day which filtered into my bedroom hitting its orange rays across my face and i smiled like it gave me some sort of power. but i smiled because i saw you watching me with those eyes.and i smiled because the always vacant gap between my fingers was filled with yours for a change. all i had to do was grasp on to them and let the heat roll on between our bodies through the lacing of finger tips that was more intimate than any other touch.all i wanted to do was hold your hand and watch the sun goes down from my bedroom window.
we can save the rest for other days.

she left me in awed

i've always had a yen for redheads :)

what do you think?shall i go back to red?i think i shall.

BANG BANG BANG

i saw the crazy look in his eyes when he put that gun to my head and whispered death treats in my ear like a soft passionate
manner of a lover. at that moment,all i thought about was the boy i didnt get to kiss which
infuriates me to no end knowing that was my last thought before some one put a hole in my head.
so you know what i did? i said 'hit me with your best shot asshole!'.oh boy did he gave me his best!

yawn

classes have been as interesting as watching paint dry on a sunny day. my eyes just couldnt help but glazed over everything the lecturer says while my mind drift off to other things that are non-educational related. i dont hate it, just unenthusiastic about the whole thing. when i say THE WHOLE THING, i meant what i am studying. its not bad, just that it could be better...so much better. like they say, talk is cheap...no wonder everyone is buying into that. however, it has came to my attention that maybe it is me and not my alma mater to be blame for this lack of enthusiasm.

i've been walking through this semester with both my eyes close because of work and now i'm feeling the consequences.

however, i do feel like i've missed the train that im supposed to board with everyone else but didnt and now i'm on my own journey to catch up to the next stop so i can board the train. which in my demented head is far more interesting and exciting then being on a bumpy train with a bunch of people i dont know and wouldnt understand me.

find, this makes me a loner. so what? i was never conventional anyways. i tend to do stupid things and fall flat on my face. so what? it's not always enjoyable to walk in my shoes, but i've made my choices for reasons only i understand (ok,half the time i dont have any because i make shite along the way). i've met some interesting people along the way and they've made me learnt about being more accepting of things i was previously biased about and about myself.

this passed few months i was praying for courage and strength.
i still am.
sometimes wanting to voice out your opinion can be so daunting it will keep you up at night or figuring how to manage your assignments that the thought of it can almost make you give up.

maybe i am burnt out for this year, i cant believe its august already.

i need to just hold it together until october comes so i will be free of these obligations.

sweet embrace?

woah, who was that writing on this blog for the passed few posts. aren't you just ready for lots of laugh again? i am.
this is my thoughts on romantic novels that always got it wrong. oh,and it is me flipping off to the girl that wrote all that
pathetic ass post about her short-lived over exaggerated love life.

first of all, you know im no innocent lass that gets blush with the mere mention of sexual intercourse or sexual desire.heck,
if you didnt know better, you'd be shocked by the amount of sexual innuendos i can come up with that will leave you
feeling dirty to the bones.

where do i get this flattering wit?

simple,books.

i know,what in the world!

here is my confession:

hello,i am nur nadhirah aka irah and i was an addict to romantic novels.

note that i used WAS because truly,i got over them. its like eating junk food, you like it for sometimes but then you start to see
the toll it has on your body that it left you rather sick and disgusted. well,that how these novels felt like, but
its to your brain! just feeding crap about love that are totally and utterly bull from start to end. reading romantic novels is like
having a quick fuck with a stranger, after the heat and excitement wound down, you're just feeling hollow.

however, it was a path i didnt regret venturing into because reading is still reading despite the content, it has helped
improved my english.
so here i am to tell you the truth what those books were trying to feed you

myth:1) tall-dark handsome and perfectly chiseled face

truth:for once, i want the guy character to be real to the guys we face every day. which is average-height,loop sided grin
and sweaty palms. now wouldn't that be a story worth seeing what happen? come one, if there is this tall-dark handsome
and perfectly chiseled face appear in front of me, he is either gay or a vain asshole and not some humble chivalrous
guy.

myth:2) she looks like a model but she doesnt know she's beautiful

truth:that is a bucket load of horse poo! i swear to god it agitates me to no end when the authors play this card.
sheesh,are we suppose to feel related with the insecurities of the character. yes,break us down with the whole
body issue and set us up for the fall because we all know the truth that we dont measure up in the end anyways.

myth: 3) love at first-sight

truth: i would too if i look like heidi klum and he looks like hugh jackman. see my point?

myth: 4) the sex is epic

truth: i've asked around and from what i've derived, sex aint a walk in the park. it's like tango. do you know how
to tango?? i dont. you would never get it right the 1st, 2nd,3rd time, it takes a lot to be that earth shattering.

myth: 5) the perfect happy ending?

truth: why do most of the ending of the novels they end up married and the girl end up being
a baby making machine while he makes lots of money. why dont the girl ever turned out as successful as the guy instead
of at home playing the good wife? the feminist in me is concerned by this. do we girls have to depend solely
on a our guy for financial security? call me hatred but i think this thinking for a happy ending is just to darn
old-fashion and narrow minded.

so basically, i just wanted to enlighten you with my perspective on romantic novels. i think we all need a laugh of two these days, because it seemed like everyone is in a rut and taking them selves too seriously.

the last straw

im over it.
this four letter word that only had only brought me tears and endless confusions.
i came to a realization that im not being myself lately, i need a little spring in my steps and blithe ignorance about the world.
thanks hazelnuts for the new tunes, i needed that :)

damn boy

i am not walking right during the day because my head is fill with him at every nook and cranny that it gave me little room for anything else.i have this mini flashes of the past,present and future of us that it burns my mind slowly seeping into my vein making my eyes go all hazy due to the abundance amount of wishful thinking i've pilled up as high as the taipei 101. is this love? is this like? what is this? it doesnt want to reveal itself to me because watching my soul writhe is the most entertaining thing yet...

cant we hold hands and not fuck each other senseless?

There are always that boundary sayang, i just want to laugh and dance with you until my jaw hurts and my hips can no longer sway to the rhythm of our hearts when we are together. I rather make long-lasting memories with you rather than getting tangle in petty love affair that would only kill both our hearts that are not ready to take this on yet. I think you are one lovely soul that just doesn’t know yet how beautiful you are and i don’t want my broken one to damage yours. mine needs some time to embrace this good thing i have for this eyes, this hands and this feet are made for the worst...when a good thing such as you come her way she just don’t know what to make of it.

you give me nothing

How do we keep convincing ourselves that some people are different is beyond me! When they end up disappointing you in the end by being just like every other knuckle headed, stereotypical mind fucker you’ve been dealing with all your life. I don’t know what compelled me to think that you are any different than the others made me feel like a total douche-bag. please open you eyes for i am tired to see the world for you, my eyes are bloodshot and strained from all the filth you've made me watch. i'm just about as ready as i can be to leave everything i have so i can distance myself from the likes of you. when will you learn that conventional and normal is the best combination for a life full of disappointments? after a millionth heart-break i guess...then so be it!because i am not the fool this time around.

we are jaded no more

Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it we go nowhere.
Carl Sagan

tonight i close my eyes and see my life in every shade of colours existed in this world. while i was living my eyes close, i saw you doing the same so i wouldnt feel so alone in this world of harlequin madness smashing and tumbling against each other like round globules containing paints going at each other like drunks falling into each others laps and feet. we wonder this nonsensical world with open heart instead of eyes.........and we saw something that left us gawking at it for hours...we are jaded no more.

-Irah

the capitalist strikes again

I’ve simply been standing up to live rather than sitting down to write about my life. this passed few months has been somewhat like a whirlwind. I have been going on this non-stop train to somewhere only god knows. I’m still on it and i dont want to stop. Actually i dont know how to stop it. A few days ago i’ve came to a realization that we are just a pawn in the game that they have forced us to play. I wonder if anyone ever made it out of this train alive...

breathe

being brave is an act.feeling brave is the only true reality.tonight i dont think i'll ever turn back.-Irah

my short-lived love life

Suddenly out of nowhere all those love songs you’ve been mindlessly listening to for ages seem to actually make senses. How cruel is life to hit you with its worst when you are already feeling the hopelessness love brings along after the quick happiness it gave you. I’m caving myself in this week,i need some time to think about what happened and moved on. Its so hard to not think of the little moments we had and go swooning away like a child getting that last piece of candy. i’m going to be honest with you, the first time i saw him my mind went like a sudden shocked, there was a moment when our eyes met. After that i didn’t forget him. I’m going to stop myself here because this starting to feels like a pathetic love story that didn’t make it to the big screen caused it didn’t have a happy ending.

F5

i had 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep today for the first time in 3 days!

a year later

it has been a year since my last hit and here i am again in the same place but a different position. when will this pain go away? another one year? maybe two? god save me from myself for i need courage to get through today and the next so i wouldnt fall apart at the seams.

so many questions, but no answers. therefore, i was left to scour my brain for the answers and came back empty handed. how my chest rise and fall slowly in a steady motion of an ocean wave whenever i think of him.

this not a love song, this is my truest form of self expression about my feelings at the moment, please drink it in and enjoy its bits and pieces preciously for my heart is in need of a good thing.

blase

I'm contemplating whether i should even put that as the title.

Have you ever wonder wouldn't it be cool that something fictional that you've read could be true? pardon me but movies are not include in this because they have be nothing but a disappointment when portraying a book. what i am talking about is, real life occurrence!

i know i sound like a loony up to this point but 3 days ago, while i was hanging out at hanis's house giving her a rogue-inspired highlight, i happened to wonder over her shelf which is packed with books and since i've been dying to read a new book after putting down elizibeth gilbert's EAT,PRAY,LOVE, i am ecstatic to coincidentally came upon this book called "the end of mr.y".

suffice to say that after a few pages i COULD NOT put it down.i've spent two days reading it because i'm savoring every bit of it but had to reluctantly pull away from it because of the examination so right now, i just cant wait to dive back into the land of mind space with Ariel Monta.

Have you read RANT by Chuck Phalanuik? well, it has the same feeling of excitement, mind boggling and far-fetch moments which has a lot of idealistic and realistic element in it. they just intertwine with each other fittingly that it is a sweet ride to be on.
basically, it has time-travelling, literature, science, sex and religion all blend into one!
i have a thing for all ( except the science part but she made it work!).

plus, it was written by a woman!(well,i real hope it wasnt an alias or something)

humor me

just went i had babbled on about being fearless and courageous and the whole mambo-jumbo,i was inflicted by a sudden high-pitch fever the very same evening.

funny?quiet not.

yes no

hey lovelies, i've been ignoring this part of the world wide web for no good reason except that i've been comfortably writing in my journal like it's my last day on earth. all my words that were scribbled and scrawled across the blank pages of my peter pauper journal are at time pointless but its the only way i know to keep myself sane these days.
lately ive been trying to live my life like i want too because its the only way for me to be able to reach that small happiness only i could comprehend.

life is pretty okay ;p,no i DO NOT HAVE A BOYFRIEND.hish

just to clear the air, i was really inspired to stand up and live so i could write about it because of a book title "EAT,PRAY,LOVE" by elizabeth gilbert. its just nice knowing that you are not the only one that talks alone into the atmosphere then laugh and cry all under the span of 60 seconds of time. i guess,i find reassurance in knowing that sometimes even when you have grown up, you dont still dont know all the answers.

the important thing is not coming up with the correct answers, but the right questions even when you are frustrated, tired and pissed off at the world.

you are what you think.

i have so much to tell you but i dont know where to begin. its amazing how much you can learn in the span of a couple of months doing things out of your comfort zone. before i start babbling incoherently about how amazing and fuck up life is, ill just sum up my overwhelming emotions so you wouldnt get lost in my words.

sometimes, life is about doing things that scare you the most. yes, there will be tears, there will be sleepless nights, there will be more tears, but once you've entered that unfamiliar place, pray for courage and have a little faith.

coming from me about faith is like asking a cat to bark, almost like an oxymoron. however, it works somehow.

treasure box

my weekend was spent pouring my eyes over a malaysian made film by the well known female film maker most malaysian have came to term as being legendary to our small thriving country especially in the domain of art and entertainment. i'm not going to sugar coat my words here but those who knows me know that i have some resistance pertaining our entertainment industry especially films and musics, they just dont make them like they used too...sadly...

HOWEVER, im quiet chuffed to confess my undying love for one woman that has made films (for some odd reasons i cant just call her work movies,it just seem somewhat belittling) that has truly captured our nation in a nutshell through clear, precise yet graceful and artfully done manner that one couldn't help but ponder about the whole debacle with more openness than before. yes, we are relatively a young nation still trying to find our niche in this world, we are still figuring it out(that isnt a bad thing you know)

here's my pitch why you have to go watch her film
*clears throat*

her way of storytelling has always been simple yet written with depth where you have to sieve through the layers by their conversations. it doesnt lead up to gargantuan revelation but like a treasure box, every little findings are just equally valuable and held with great sentiment . you'd understand why each one of them are so important in the end . it feels precious somehow, yes in the end it will leave you to tears but i think the water works is exactly what we all need to wash away the cloud of judgment constantly hanging over our peripheral vision.

so go, go and watch Yasmin Ahmad's films, especially her last gem to this nation before she left to be with her maker again, it is call TALENTIME.


my favorite quote from the movie

"dia masuk islam not melayu,not even arab"

Apollo step aside please

This week has been a whirlwind! I feel like i should write a haiku about it, im sure i’ll put apollo to shame with my horrific ryhming.

7 days in a week is never enough,

Saturday i had a bbq with the family,

Sunday i went out with a nutter,

Monday i slept til the shadow stood still,

Tuesday was a bag of mix vegetables,

Wednesday kept me dancing with glee,

Thursday was a day laced with magic til 3am,

When come Friday i just staggered out of bed and to home base,

There, the time stood still just for us.

Where did all the time go? I feel like my days are numbered, i just want to hold it in my hand like kronos and make it go slower .

for the love of it

Many don’t know this but i love reading the Sunday star eversince i was 15 due to my sudden determination to become a rock music journalist after watching “Almost Famous” on telly. That is why i thought to myself during a morning jog (then was my attempt in shedding the lbs) with my sister on a chilly Sunday morning;that in order for me to be as good as the writers in the myriad of music magazines that i've used to adored back when i was a fangirl mooning over every leather-jacket caucasian with a guitar in hand, i need to buck up on my english and vocabulary! Henceforth, i’ve adopted this habit of reading the Sunday star, especially the music review column where i was deeply intrigued ,miffed but then chuffed hence still retained admiration towards a journalist that has always manage to write with a dry sarcasm, intelligence and thought provoking voice that either left me in total agreement or in the state of ambivalent of what he was saying. Hitherto, he stills manage to leave me feeling like that only a little less because i’ve finally understood the words he used thoroughly. i dont religiously follows his column, but i read it everytime i have the chance to even after the dream died along with the hype of rock n roll in my life as i grew up and finally was able to see the bigger picture of music in one’s life. that musician, is not arent god and they are people too.

Fortunately, my love for words never seem to elude me even after that dream was long forgotten and new dream of becoming an anthropologist ribbed me in the stomach as if fuelling my crave to prove to myself that i need to be a more mature adult. Well, that was a pipe dream waiting to happen because i only said so after seeing it in a “DoctorJob: 100 JOBS” book under the alphabet A and thought to myself that it seem promising; its very humanitarian and exciting! What more could be so right for me? Wrong!! There are no such course here in malaysia, since our tertiary education is not as well developed as others around the world.

So after that let down, i just floated aimlessly like an escape balloon in the sky not knowing where i’m going or what the future hold for me. Just like the balloon i soon find out that you can’t stay in the cloud forever and not touch the real world, so i popped. Well the balloon did, i just merely felt my bubble was pricked with a big blunt needle and i’m falling down on earth. So here i am, being the student of teaching english having sweet and sour moments about the profession that i’ve enrolled in because i was still quiet daze and confuse by the fall.

The point is, i’m still playing around with English and that makes me happy,also to know that those years of reading the star paper really paid off after all. My choice of career is still rather vague, but I think I have a pretty picture of what I want for myself a few years down the road. I feel like going back in time and meet my 15 year old self and tell her that "you will know the answers in time girl,stop being so depressing!" and give her a little hug because a big one will cause her a heart failure since she was intimacy-challenged (not that it has changed much).

so today is for taking a step closer to being who you want to be.

here are a few blogs that is inspiring me to do what I love and enjoy the little things in life

Mocking-bird

pia jane bijkerk

nectar & light

Copenhagen cycle chic

marisa, you should give the second one a click and check out her book. you are going to swoon!

are we having fun yet?

I’m weary of all the workload i have to undertake. Do i have the grit to get them done immaculately?

FUK NO

It is just one of those days where nothing seem to settle quiet right where i want them, my mind is constantly wondering of to far flung places having a merriment time among the other creatures that inhabit my imagination. I wanna go there with her. It shouldn’t be intangible anymore from my out stretch hands trying to feel every delicious wave of glee she is experiencing. I want to bask in the light washing over the surface, bath in it if i can! But instead, i'm here staring at lines after lines that seem blurry after awhile making my brain twitch because i am trying my best to engulf the words of philosophers that pretty much projecting word vomit all across my textbook. I must say, they are babbling brilliantly! Now just stop.

philosophy makes me want to blubber

i am ecstatic and fantastic!

that most of my friends are updating their blog again!thank you lovelies!

sometimes you couldn't help finding joy in the most simplest things

geek talk,can you handle it??

that is in Carpathian

not many folks know this but i love fantasy books.
you know, the whole book where they have their own ancient language mixing it with contemporary times setting just makes me want to jump into the book and never leave those characters even during a deadly war!
especially if there is a weave of magic running through the plot, which totally enthralls my imagination!
granted, MOST of them have the element of romance in it, but there was this one book i've read during form5 that looks intimidating with its thick volume and quite frankly not capturing cover comparing with other books among its genre.
then, as i was reading the book, ive just realize that there is no in depth heated scenes!
*gulp*
i thought to myself, this is going to be hard to stomach down since i have the 2nd book stacked nicely on my desk waiting to be read.

so ive just muddled through but was hit by a wave of excitement as the plot thickens!
needless to say,i've read all 3 volumes with as much vigor as ive read harry potter.

last week*YES DURING EXAM WEEK*, i couldnt resist the book hanis gave me and devour it instantly. it was a book about carpathian people with language and history incerpt in it!!!!!

you betchaa i've memorized a few words, im a geek,i know.
hey, do you know it is not made up?? they are real, the people aand language. pretty amazing huh. but, i think my favourite would always be learning Gealic.

the point is, im always in search for new books, especially fantasy/paranormal,keep me posted on that if you can.

I SEE YOU

my imagery was heighten after watching Avatar. i felt like my mind was pulled into a world that is harlequin beyond my imagination!my eyes were dancing with the refelction of the motion picture reeling grandurely infront of my eyes. it felt like a dream that is so lucid due to the combination of captivating visual images and melodious auditory working simultaneously evoking emotions that had left me in awed, empathy and in sync with the world that was new to me.

but there was this moment during the movie i was thinking that wouldnt it be cool if i get my own avatar and live among the navi, with their lean and muscular (though they could have work on a little more boob) body and thought i would look like a blue shrek instead!!

the last post

sorry
i dont know who gave me the license to put a gun to your head and made you choose.

i just wanted you to take the wheel in your life instead of being in the backseat, so i've let irritation get the best of me.

mental note:i can be a really harsh sometimes, need to work on that.

neyo said it right*grunts*

do not go to bed angry and horny

-
gruntsssss

what he said

Remain orderly in your life so you can remain free and chaotic in your work. - Thom Yorke

i know, i know, two post within an hour. hey, i just want to share.
tak bleh ke??
credit goes to Jason Mraz though, go read his blog about new year.I'm sure it will leave you fueling with determination to make this year a much more full-filling year.
-irah

calling ghostbusters!

I've found that on tumblr and i just laughed instinctively without feign interest . see.. that is what my life have veered to lately.

i use tumblr as a substitute for my friends.
that is why i am NOT ashamed to tell you that i've been watching sisterhood of the traveling pants twice this week because i feel that void in my heart that can not be fill (just yet) by anythingelse except the presences of my best mates, exchanging jokes and sexual inneundos with each other.

bah, that's why im so greatful for the power of technology. the boundaries are limitless these days.

this is what ive been longing for lately.....
a drive along a quiet scenic road with my friends in the backseat talking incoherently to each other while i just soak in the oxymoron of an ambience that i find comforting.but im merely wool-gathering of course
-irah

please dont stare

my eyes are bloodshot, my throat feels dry and my nose is positively irritated by my own scent!
i think im going to burn out by sunset and there's nothing either you or i can do about it, this is the life of a university student that is NOT exaggerated.

all i can think about is getting through this assignment and pass out after that.

-Irah

bye bye 2009!hellooo 2010

Sometimes our visions falter and withered to endless days of utter nothingness that we constantly try to make the best off. I wonder if this what the end feels like. Well not really. I just contemplate about my failed attempts to make my vision follow through. Days that feels like an abyss stretches into milliseconds seems to deteriorates my will to hold on. Swept away by this emotion I had swindled myself with lies because the truth was still too raw and jagged around the edges that I couldn’t stand to face it myself.

Yes, the truth hurts.

You just have to buckle on your knees and sob right away the minute you learn it. Not a tragedy but more of a passing………….

Irah,

Blog n whatnot on January 09

I’m getting all teary eye reading the blog post I was meant to post a year ago but didn’t after all because 09 just whizzed by like a bullet train that I didn’t have much time to come around it and probably have forgotten about it after I’ve wrote it. There are so many blog post in my ms word which were meant to be posted on here but didn’t make it due to my lack of commitment towards blogging and sometimes I just write to vent out my anger or sooth my heart on a matter that is rather intangible during trying times…….which I’m now rather glad I didn’t because I tend to write with emotions that will overwhelmed anyone that reads it…hehehe, though I’m regretting a few post I’ve posted about a certain infatuation of mine. Yes, I know life should never be with regrets, but when I think back about the things I’ve said or done, it’s better to take a step back and ponder on the matter thoughtfully and let go or try to improve yourself for the future! After all, isn’t that what life is about? Evolving yourself to be something better than before. It’s not about getting somewhere at a certain point, but about constantly self checking yourself every now and again.

That’s what I’ve learnt last year through the people that were gracious enough to let me be a part of their lives with wide open arms and even gargantuan hearts. I am deeply thankful for what I have and feel determine to make up of what I lack because of the support followed by sage anecdote they have instilled in my head and heart. I’m always taking in the good and tossing away the bad because I don’t want to be a cynical sorry fuck that thinks the world is a dark place which bleeds all the damn time. I wanna fuking live my life. although…I have to admit that lately I’ve been missing the simpler days of high school where you only think about passing the next big exam and exceeding the teachers expectations towards you and sleeping in the afternoon on a balmy afternoon til your head spins when you were jolted from your reverie by your mum’s nagging about the effects of sleeping during that time or the 6 hours a day where you get to see your mates face five days a week rather than seeing them once a month….which I think is the MOST challenging bit of 09 that I have to endure.

God, growing up is so……………….lonely sometimes.

However, being a part makes us want to be there for each other more in a way that we have never appreciated when we were in high school. I’ve finally understood what the idiom “absence makes the heart grows fonder” really means. Even though, growing up makes me want to hark back to the frenzy days of the three cheers my chem and dance in the dark with my best friend (little sister included), things are better now…in a few ways. I wasn’t that girl that suffers from the delusion of animosity, I am now the girl that strives from the adversity and a cunning smile plastered on my chubby face even when I am beaten down tasting the dirt in my mouth. Life is hard, but it is harder when you prefer to let it drown you out until you can’t even find yourself.

It was also a year where I’ve found the courage to step out of my shell and make merry with the outside world that is beyond my family and usual set of friends. I really think I’ve made some new ones this year that I will consider a friend for a long time, you know who you are ;D, lets not name, names now.

So after that hullabaloo on the year was, let me give you a brief conclusion on how 2010 is looking out through my magic globe;

I would want it to be a year of finding new things through my studies, have an epiphany about teaching, trying more new things that will keep me enthusiastic about life and living out my dreams one step at a time.

- irah, 2 jan 2010