Sometimes our visions falter and withered to endless days of utter nothingness that we constantly try to make the best off. I wonder if this what the end feels like. Well not really. I just contemplate about my failed attempts to make my vision follow through. Days that feels like an abyss stretches into milliseconds seems to deteriorates my will to hold on. Swept away by this emotion I had swindled myself with lies because the truth was still too raw and jagged around the edges that I couldn’t stand to face it myself.
Yes, the truth hurts.
You just have to buckle on your knees and sob right away the minute you learn it. Not a tragedy but more of a passing………….
Irah,
Blog n whatnot on January 09
I’m getting all teary eye reading the blog post I was meant to post a year ago but didn’t after all because 09 just whizzed by like a bullet train that I didn’t have much time to come around it and probably have forgotten about it after I’ve wrote it. There are so many blog post in my ms word which were meant to be posted on here but didn’t make it due to my lack of commitment towards blogging and sometimes I just write to vent out my anger or sooth my heart on a matter that is rather intangible during trying times…….which I’m now rather glad I didn’t because I tend to write with emotions that will overwhelmed anyone that reads it…hehehe, though I’m regretting a few post I’ve posted about a certain infatuation of mine. Yes, I know life should never be with regrets, but when I think back about the things I’ve said or done, it’s better to take a step back and ponder on the matter thoughtfully and let go or try to improve yourself for the future! After all, isn’t that what life is about? Evolving yourself to be something better than before. It’s not about getting somewhere at a certain point, but about constantly self checking yourself every now and again.
That’s what I’ve learnt last year through the people that were gracious enough to let me be a part of their lives with wide open arms and even gargantuan hearts. I am deeply thankful for what I have and feel determine to make up of what I lack because of the support followed by sage anecdote they have instilled in my head and heart. I’m always taking in the good and tossing away the bad because I don’t want to be a cynical sorry fuck that thinks the world is a dark place which bleeds all the damn time. I wanna fuking live my life. although…I have to admit that lately I’ve been missing the simpler days of high school where you only think about passing the next big exam and exceeding the teachers expectations towards you and sleeping in the afternoon on a balmy afternoon til your head spins when you were jolted from your reverie by your mum’s nagging about the effects of sleeping during that time or the 6 hours a day where you get to see your mates face five days a week rather than seeing them once a month….which I think is the MOST challenging bit of 09 that I have to endure.
God, growing up is so……………….lonely sometimes.
However, being a part makes us want to be there for each other more in a way that we have never appreciated when we were in high school. I’ve finally understood what the idiom “absence makes the heart grows fonder” really means. Even though, growing up makes me want to hark back to the frenzy days of the three cheers my chem and dance in the dark with my best friend (little sister included), things are better now…in a few ways. I wasn’t that girl that suffers from the delusion of animosity, I am now the girl that strives from the adversity and a cunning smile plastered on my chubby face even when I am beaten down tasting the dirt in my mouth. Life is hard, but it is harder when you prefer to let it drown you out until you can’t even find yourself.
It was also a year where I’ve found the courage to step out of my shell and make merry with the outside world that is beyond my family and usual set of friends. I really think I’ve made some new ones this year that I will consider a friend for a long time, you know who you are ;D, lets not name, names now.
So after that hullabaloo on the year was, let me give you a brief conclusion on how 2010 is looking out through my magic globe;
I would want it to be a year of finding new things through my studies, have an epiphany about teaching, trying more new things that will keep me enthusiastic about life and living out my dreams one step at a time.
- irah, 2 jan 2010
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