light and love

Gosh I miss this space so much! I have this attachment towards all things containing my writing. Just like my journals, this blog has been mostly made for the purpose of purging my thoughts out and I love every bit of it(not talking about my writing but the stuff I write about). It was not and still not easy for me to be completely honest about a lot of things. Yet I hate the feeling of restricted(yes,I am bi-polar).

I don't know why I am unable to write on my tumblr for awhile. I promised that I was going to write about my time in Melbourne as much as I can but I didn't. I just posted pictures more than words.

Oh, Melbourne was great. It was a whole different world out there away from this Malaysian soil. It has evoked this thirst for traveling like never before inside of me. But mainly to dream and not give up on my dreams to see the world.

I just want to pick my bags and trot the globe fearlessly. Yet I know that I will miss my family and friends so much. TOO MUCH ACTUALLY. I didn't think I was the kind of person that will be homesick until I realized how much I have back home. You know me being an arrogant lil feck that I was, I thought that I was too good for that kind of emotion. I was oh so wrong.

It has also has taught me that no matter where you are and how incredible that place is, without the people you love, the experience is bittersweet cause you will find yourself wishing this person or that person back home can witness and enjoy it with you. Then you get this pang of loneliness being in a foreign place with so many unfamiliar faces around you. Trust me,it is not really the best feeling in the world to feel joy one second and disappointment the next.

Yet, there will also be moments where the feelings are reverse. Oh the emotional see-saw of traveling.

I think my emotions are mostly stem from having to walk away from my family and friends after the lost we went through in October,which got us so close that I felt like it wasn't fair for me to be there in Melbourne. But grief is a strong emotions that was doing things to everybody and I couldn't help to be swept away by it too. Anger, despair and regret are the worst kind of feelings to be having from the moment you wake up in the morning to the moment to close your eyes at night. It consumes you so much that it literally takes the energy out of your body worst than running a marathon.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough even if I tried because guilt is a relentless selfish friend that's so me-centric.

But 13 December came and I rode that 8 hour flight to Melbourne and I did my best to heal. I did my best to be better. I did my best to shake the demons off me.

It almost felt like I was a recovering addict in rehab. The city did me good.It was like I was a silent black and white noir movie before but the city splashed some colours in and before you know it I was a 3D movie . I see beauty in every street corner and every ray of sunlight. I just couldn't be in a damp mood. I enjoy the simplest things like going to the market to buy bread and sitting on the back sit of a car and watching the landscape of the city as my eyes feast of its architecture. Everything looked interesting and fascinating that I felt like a kid staring at shiny toys in wonder about its existence.

Then there was my sister, beating the senses out of me. Telling me to never give up. Telling me to be brave. Believing in me. Having faith in me.

Weird or maybe scary how you don't realize how broken you are until someone forces a mirror right in front of your face and make you stare at the cracks.

Oh its there. You're just too goddamn stubborn and proud to admit that you're not that swell after all.

But I'm human. I can't be fix so easily like a broken toy with a glue and duct tape. That's not how it works.

What I've learnt is that we ourselves have to find it within us to be the best person we want to be not just for us, but for the people that would move heaven and earth for us. I have those kind of people in my life and I am forever grateful to Allah for giving me that.

I love my mum, in my heart there is an empty room with the sign 'ummi' at the front fill with all things pertaining her that I'll go once in awhile when I miss her and need her strength, but until that it will remain lock and vacant.

One thing for sure, I'm making new rooms for other people that I've never given the chance to have a place in my heart. Nothing wrong with more love in one's heart for love is the light that always drive away the darkness. Always.

My love for my family.

My love for God.

My love for my friends.

Those are the light that guides me home and ignite my bones as Coldplay sang it in Fix you.

moving

I think it is best that I be honest with you. I have been blogging on my tumblr...I don't just reblog pictures, but literally writes on it. So, kindly direct to my tumblah for my rants. But, it think I wouldn't delete this blog because it has so many things on it that I want to look back on. Maybe from time to time I will update it. But for now, party at my tumblr!

MA

MY UMMI HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH MULTIPLE ANEURYSM

Just 12 days ago, she was driving the car telling me a story about my brother and laughing her ass off. Now,she's on the hospital bed unconscious, hair shaved and a nasty scar along her hairline.

I miss you so much. I can't even..

Turning point

After the incident that occurred on Wednesday, the next day was surprisingly better. So was the day after that.

I thank my parents and the support of good friends for always getting me through the rough patches in my life. I am thankful for their words for giving me the strength to cope with what life had thrown at me. I am thankful that Allah heard my prayers and helped smoothed out the bumpy road.

A prayer goes a long way. I know that now.

I hope that this is the turning point of my teaching experience.

I am not asking for perfect wonderful day everyday, but I am asking for me to be able to connect with them as much as I can before I leave.

Insyallah.

sleep

I am going to bed, I don't even want to think about tomorrow.

I just want to close my eyes and bury my head in a heap of pillows.

Maybe sleep can cure this heartache.

Worst day

Today things got from worst to super worst.

I totally pulled the stormed out of class in the middle of a lesson with angry tears in my eyes.

I feel like shite doing it cause I've promised myself I wouldn't do that.

I now can't stop crying because of it.

Teaching is so challenging for me. It is hard seeing other people having the time of their life.

It is hard when you are having such a difficult time doing it. It is HARD.

It makes you feel that you are just not good enough for this.

It makes you doubt yourself so much.

It makes you not like them much.

It makes you want to give up.

It makes you sad.

Most importantly, it makes you hate yourself.

I hope tomorrow will be better. I keep hoping that it will but it is getting worst.

But even now, I still hope that it will be better tomorrow. I don't know how but after what happened today, I hope I will be able to connect back with them.

I don't want to leave with them hating me.

That is it.

salty

Listening to Bon Iver's Skinny love made me cried so hard like I haven't cried in so long. I don't even know why I am crying, I don't even understand what this song is about. But the melody just gets to me. Ugh, I am a blubber of a woman with too much emotions when the night is late, when I have so much work and especially when I miss people I haven't seen in awhile and wished to spend an hour with them talking about life. I guess I just feel a little overwhelm by work. Maybe I am just scared and worried. Hence, the tears.

Ok, Bon Iver, you are good. Nobody makes me cry the first time I listen to them.

Every time I listen to this song, I picture a really melancholic scene like in the movies.

The rain pours gently on a bustling city with its blaring neon signage everywhere, I see the good-bye of broken-hearted lovers, the struggle of life in the eye of a foreigner in a stranger's land, the lost of a child by a young single mother and the pain of a young man trying to live up to the his society's expectations. I see their pain and I can't help but get carried away with the emotions along with them.

15 things you should know

Things you should know:

1) I am on a 1 week holiday due to Eid mubarak(Which was yesterday)

2) I have 8 weeks of internship left

3) I probably will sound like the biggest turd ever, but I can't wait for it to be over

4) Last week I came home crying because I couldn't handle my class

5) I don't know how I will do for the next 8 weeks

6) Whatever it is I will try my very best

7) Today is also my country's independent day, 54 YEARS STRONG(sorta)

8) Tomorrow is September and I am ecstatic because that means I am this much closer to getting my ass to Melbourne

9) Sorry I have been neglecting this blogspot but I have been sorta blogging on my tumblr a little bit

10) I write in points now because this shows how my brain lacks creativity

11) Actually, I am just too lazy

12) Because I am suppose to be sleeping since I have to wake up early because we are hitting the road and heading out to my opah's(granma) house.

13) I just felt like I had to tell it to the world

14) Also, I am not wearing pants cause, listening to Foals and eating ice-cream at 2 a.m

15) THIS IS LIFE

-THE END-

happy accidents

My love for movies or films if you want to sound more cultured, has always been the reason why I am able to speak and write english well since it is my second language. I love watching them and imitating after the characters or wonder about the most ridiculous thing about the story. I have a long list of movies I love that I think I had stopped keeping track on them. Believe it or not, I kept a list in my old journal back when I was 15. Now days, I hardly watch television anymore and I like stumbling upon a good story.

Sure, now I just watch the new television series or movies in my laptop after transferring it from friends that were able to download them. Sure it is easier and inexpensive (also very illegal) but just like everything that is convenient and fast this days, it losses its wonder and quality. In a way its magic. Think about it, for example,fast food; quick but bad for your body and film photography: takes time and money to develop, but the outcome is mesmerizing.

So,like watching television and stumbling upon a good movie, gives me some sort of heart warming joy that even after the movie I would think about it and gushes over how good it was to random ears near by(or in this case, blog about it so random blog walkers would stumble upon it). I am delighted to share with strangers the two movies I saw a few nights ago.

They are Happy accidents and Just like a son. I saw them on the sundance channel(yeah,we changed to astro beyond and they have a sundance channel!HOW WONDERFUL IS THAT?). I tell you, they don't air movies like those in the cinema here. Here, we always get block buster movies that are just a bland reflection of each other(Not all though).

You know,what would be cool? I've always had this idea of having my own cinema where I will air films that I love. Old and new. Maybe I can even play trilogies (example:lord of the rings not twilight) and have theme nights. Be so neat right? It'll play all sort of indie films from all over the world, even documentaries and mockumenteries. Block busters movies are ban from my cinema of course. Maybe only weirdos and nerds will come support my place, but hell, i'll do it for the love of it. OHMYGOD,MAYBE IT CAN BE MY NIGHT JOB.

Nadhirah, teacher my day, indie cinema owner by night.

The stuff I spun in my head aye? oh well, nothing wrong with dreaming.

Right, rambling off like a mad woman as always.

Until next time.

ps: 4th week on internship starting tomorrow. Time sure flies!

the dream part 1: still waiting

Remember in June I went and declared my dream? Well, it is still burning within my able body passionately. Every time someone asks me what I want to do after this, I usually just say I don't know and make a :( face. But inside, inside I was screaming my ideas like a mad woman that I literally had to shushed myself.

I wonder what people will react to my plan? I know they will judge me for not being practical about my future. Everyone is just such in hurry to get to the next point in their life, maybe it be a career or marriage and all I want to do is find freedom to roam the world with a journal and camera. Take loads of pictures, meet new people and befriend them, learn their culture and widen my perspective on life. That is all I want to do. I don't want a fancy car, a big house, pretty clothes or a title. But, just because I don't want those things doesn't mean I hate people that do, everyone had their preference and I respect that entirely.

That being said, it is now the second week of August and I am ecstatic that the time is moving quiet swiftly. I focus my energy on internship and during quiet moments where my mind is no occupied by lesson plans and classroom management strategies, I fill it with this dream of mine to keep going. I think of my sister's face and words every time I start doubting myself.

I miss her so much.

Anyways, she sent me a budget and my eye ball nearly fell out of its socket. But I am hopeful. One thing life had taught me is, money is something you can find. Don't need to fret, I rather be poor and enjoy life than be rich and miserable. The saying "money can't buy happiness" is dead on. If some smart ass says otherwise, know that that person can have all the money to buy the world but it would never fill out the void of what it can't buy, like love, affection and laughter.

I am sure you are tired of me rambling about this dream of mine, but I am just keeping myself motivated.

Until next post on this, which I surely think in another two months. By then I will be done with my internship and can start this madness. Soon :)

love hate

Today was not better than yesterday. In fact, it was worst. I guess, I can't always expect for good days every day right? But a girl can sure hoped for it.

I tell ya, teaching is challenging. I don't hate it yet, but I am certainly not feeling that surge of love for it either. So, where does I stand on teaching? On a straight line between those two feeling.

One thing for sure, I do not feel like I am cut out to be a teacher yet.

that was yesterday

Today was a bit better than yesterday. That was what I only prayed for and really thankful about. Thank you Allah.

PS: No, the feeling like I am about to puke every time I enter a class does not decrease. But my heart feels braver.

internship: week 2

Entering my third week of teaching. second of ramadhan. Where does the time goes?

I am getting used to being called 'teacher'.

I am getting used to planning and preparing.

I am getting used to wearing heels.

I am getting used to thinking about 60 other 9 years old instead of my lonesome almost 20 years old self.

I am getting used to always looking at the clock.

I am getting used to always getting things done in time.

I am getting used to new work place environment.

I am getting used to new people.

I am getting used to being out of my social circle.

Teaching is challenging, as I've said before. Every time I go into class, my intention is that my students gets something out of that 60 minutes lesson. That they will be a little courageous to use the language when they feel so. I know how intimidating learning something new can be. Especially a foreign language that gets a lot of backlash due to its origin. I hope they understand that we are here to learn the language, not to adept to its culture by pushing ours' aside like its yesterday's cold rice.

Third week,

I hope I am able to find my footing with this young learners.

I hope for a lot of things from this journey. Insyallah, all shall be well.

Fuel

This heart, it gives up too easily when it gets scared of something great. But you, you fuel it to pick things up and keep moving. This trust you have in my ability to succeed, makes me feel so competent. It helps me to see the bigger picture and not falter like I always do. I am forever thankful for this courage that you have infused inside on my body and soul. I am thankful for having people that are so supportive of my dreams. I feel so blessed that I get all teary eye thinking about how much love I get from people that I really care about.

I feel good tonight. I feel like I am running further from the person that I don't want to be and towards the person that I want to be in life, all because of you. Every second I put my foot forward, I am always thinking of your words of encouragement telling me not to give up.

I will stop thinking of tomorrow and live today.

PS: I do feel like I have to express my gratitude not just in my prayers, but on the interwebz, because there can never be enough of positive post out here right? :)

oopps

Right, looks like I should give an explanation for disappearing off like that after I've made a commitment to blog daily about my experience as a trainee teacher. The thing is, there is not much to say but I've been busy and tired.

I am just adapting to this new experience which I had some difficulties in the beginning, but since then, all is well and I am finding my footing in the profession.

I don't have much to think about what to pen down here because I am spending my time preparing myself mentally for each day. One thing I can tell you is this, I do feel like puking every time I enter the threshold of my school and worst, a nervous wreck when I have to enter my classes and stare at 37 little people. I spend most of my time mustering the courage and confidence that I can write on here because it will be an endless rant about how badly things are and can go. Only Allah knows how I rather put all that aside and focus on the good side of things and just calm my tits.

So the next few weeks this blog will be a ghost town, unless I've managed to adapt to things well. Insyallah.

oh another thing, teach is challenging.

internship: Day 1

Made it through the first day by the skin of my teeth!

What lies I am spurting here.

Last night after I blogged how calm I was and that I was heading to bed for a deep slumber so I can wake up fresh in the morning all energetic for my first day as a teacher. I did just that, laid my head on my pillow and shut my eyes smiling. During that few seconds of total silence and entering a state of unconsciousness, my mind didn't went silent, instead it was shouting and ramblings incoherently about today. So I opened my tired eyes and took my books down to the room downstairs and turned on the air-conditioner in full blast and started reading my classroom management book. After 30 minutes of jotting down useful tips and listing out fun language games I can do with my students later, my mind went "ok,calm yo mothofecking titties*in tina's voice* Irah!*. So I quickly put all my things aside and crashed on the couch around 12.30 am.

Sleep felt like a second even when time had passed for hours....

Woke up with a jolt because my mum barged into the room asking me to get up while at the same time my phone obnoxious alarm went off. From there on it was a blurry motions of showering-praying-packing my books-drinking vico-out the door-into the car-picked up dad from the bus station-dropped me off at school.

The journey took 15 minutes on a clear road from my house to the school. When I arrived, I was all jitters. I'm glad I wasn't the only one though. One of my mate was feeling it too, but it is great that the other one was keeping herself together well. It made me feel better because I swear my mind kept going from rambling to silence every second as we made out way to the office to report ourselves for duty.

It was still dark out and only a few lights were switched on lighting the pathway towards the 1st floor, hence making it feel a little eerie. But thankgod the lights in the office was on, unfortunately it was still locked.Which was good! because it means we were not late.

Met a few teachers in the office who were taking their record book on the receptionist table. They were friendly and right off the bet know we were practical students reporting for duty. I just smiled and said my salam most of the time. Anyway, 90% of my time was spent waiting. Which I really don't mind because the thought of entering class made me want to throw up.

So, I got my schedule sorted by meeting first the headmistress then senior assistant then evening session person in charge then the teachers that I am taking over their classes for the next 14 weeks .

Since,there were difficulties in fitting us in their system, we had to take on an extra subject, which I don't mind since I got art! How cool is that? I am excited for it because I haven't done art in so long and I love art even though I suck at drawing. But I hope I can do interesting and artistic stuff with the kids. Speaking of which, I should research for crafty ideas for my lesson next monday. As for english, I will start this thursday on occupation. Gotta get my lesson plan ready by then.

There are things I feel a little confuse about, but it think I know how it works. It is like when I worked at baskin, you just gotta ask and they will gladly to help you out. Just ask!

Ok,with that, I say today went well.

ALL SHALL BE WELL!

amin.

internship:All shall be well

As written yesterday,I am doing a daily post pertaining my internship so I can improve my writing and reflect.

I feel calm which is rather bizarre since tomorrow is the big day. Yes, I am dubbing it as the big day and nobody can say otherwise. Tomorrow deserve to be called so because it is a first for me and I really remember my first times more often. I think the reason why I am not as nervous is because I was an emotional wreck yesterday it was nothing short of hilarious if you were to witness my breakdown. But, today I feel better and last night as I was flipping through the latest issue of Frankie magazine sent to me by my loving sister Anne with a popped out card which really charmed my pants off, I came across the section where writers of Frankie give their thoughts on a topic. This issue is "What I'll tell my kid"and I read Marieke Hardy's passage where she listed out a few rules in life her kid must know. One of them is ALL SHALL BE WELL.ALL SHALL BE WELL.ALL SHALL BE WELL.(really,she wrote it a few times)

So,whatever happens tomorrow of the next day and the next day until October, I will chant those words in time of worry to not be so chickenshit in dealing with what life throws at me. Insyallah. I hope for the best for myself and my classmates that are going to brace the teaching profession head first tomorrow. Everyone,don't forget to take in some air before you guys dive in okay?

Okay,time for bed so I can wake up at 5.30 am tomorrow and leave the house by 6.15 am.

More ranting tomorrow night.

its here!!

I am feeling loads better! Listening to mumford and sons,writing that letter to myself and crying it out really made me feel better. I will start my internship on Monday, I feel strong. I know I will do good.I don't care if that sounds really cocky. I am a cocky cock and I am not sorry about it one single bit. If my words backfired on me in the future, at least I have something new to learn. I am excited actually to meet my students and work with other teachers. I'm sure this comes as no surprise, but I love to work. Sure,I really do need the money but I find real satisfaction in getting a job done and learning something new about myself, the people around me and skills that comes with the title.

My dad asked me what are my expectations from this internship and I didn't really know what to answer him. Honestly? I just want to learn about this profession. I want to be really good at it. I want to love english more. I want to impart good life lessons to those kids. I want to let them discover how wonderful other languages can be when they keep an open mind.

I hope I do good. I can't wait what my life will be for the next 3 months. Kids are wonderful, I know I have expressed how annoying they are, but you should also remember how I've countless time said how amazing they are due to their honest take and positive take in life.

I hope I get to discover more about myself through them for I am already an adult that always seem to get lost by the fine details of life and fail to see the big picture.

Insyallah. Amin.

I thought that I was going to buy a new journal and write about my experience about my journey as a trainee teacher for the next 3 months but why bother making empty promises when I feel much more easier typing it out here. So do you think I should make a daily entry of my experience? oh hell,why not? Best keep it in the open and share my stories where anyone can stumble upon right? I want to be braver when it comes to my writing and sharing it with anyone that wants to read my babbles. Writing is the only way I know how to make things better when times are hard and I know it is not always rainbows and cupcakes.

So,fuck it.bite the bullets and commit Irah!

I heart mumford&sons

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

I love this band.

A letter to myself

what would you say if you can write to yourself?

Tonight I feel like only myself can convince me and make things better.

Dear Irah,

First of all, I love you. Please believe in yourself that you are a strong individual that has it in you to take on whatever that life throws your way. That you are not afraid to dream big and know how much you have to work to get what you want in life,even the little things. People might not understand your hardship, but now is not the time to feel sorry for yourself because they don't know your story. This is not the time to play the game "who's life sucks more" because you have enough and that you should be grateful to Allah for what you have. Don't forget that all your body parts are working well, that you have a roof above your head, clothes on your back,food in your stomach,a bed to sleep on and people you care dearly close by. Remember that you are one courageous, honest,smart and beautiful girl. Not to mention real funny too.Nobody can take that away from you unless you let them. okay?Please take care of yourself, chin up,wipe the tears and get ready to face tomorrow better than you did today.

I love you, you crazy sumbetch.