Tuesday, March 6, 2012

light and love

Gosh I miss this space so much! I have this attachment towards all things containing my writing. Just like my journals, this blog has been mostly made for the purpose of purging my thoughts out and I love every bit of it(not talking about my writing but the stuff I write about). It was not and still not easy for me to be completely honest about a lot of things. Yet I hate the feeling of restricted(yes,I am bi-polar).

I don't know why I am unable to write on my tumblr for awhile. I promised that I was going to write about my time in Melbourne as much as I can but I didn't. I just posted pictures more than words.

Oh, Melbourne was great. It was a whole different world out there away from this Malaysian soil. It has evoked this thirst for traveling like never before inside of me. But mainly to dream and not give up on my dreams to see the world.
I just want to pick my bags and trot the globe fearlessly. Yet I know that I will miss my family and friends so much. TOO MUCH ACTUALLY. I didn't think I was the kind of person that will be homesick until I realized how much I have back home. You know me being an arrogant lil feck that I was, I thought that I was too good for that kind of emotion. I was oh so wrong.

It has also has taught me that no matter where you are and how incredible that place is, without the people you love, the experience is bittersweet cause you will find yourself wishing this person or that person back home can witness and enjoy it with you. Then you get this pang of loneliness being in a foreign place with so many unfamiliar faces around you. Trust me,it is not really the best feeling in the world to feel joy one second and disappointment the next.
Yet, there will also be moments where the feelings are reverse. Oh the emotional see-saw of traveling.

I think my emotions are mostly stem from having to walk away from my family and friends after the lost we went through in October,which got us so close that I felt like it wasn't fair for me to be there in Melbourne. But grief is a strong emotions that was doing things to everybody and I couldn't help to be swept away by it too. Anger, despair and regret are the worst kind of feelings to be having from the moment you wake up in the morning to the moment to close your eyes at night. It consumes you so much that it literally takes the energy out of your body worst than running a marathon.
I couldn't get out of there fast enough even if I tried because guilt is a relentless selfish friend that's so me-centric.

But 13 December came and I rode that 8 hour flight to Melbourne and I did my best to heal. I did my best to be better. I did my best to shake the demons off me.

It almost felt like I was a recovering addict in rehab. The city did me good.It was like I was a silent black and white noir movie before but the city splashed some colours in and before you know it I was a 3D movie . I see beauty in every street corner and every ray of sunlight. I just couldn't be in a damp mood. I enjoy the simplest things like going to the market to buy bread and sitting on the back sit of a car and watching the landscape of the city as my eyes feast of its architecture. Everything looked interesting and fascinating that I felt like a kid staring at shiny toys in wonder about its existence.

Then there was my sister, beating the senses out of me. Telling me to never give up. Telling me to be brave. Believing in me. Having faith in me.
Weird or maybe scary how you don't realize how broken you are until someone forces a mirror right in front of your face and make you stare at the cracks.
Oh its there. You're just too goddamn stubborn and proud to admit that you're not that swell after all.

But I'm human. I can't be fix so easily like a broken toy with a glue and duct tape. That's not how it works.

What I've learnt is that we ourselves have to find it within us to be the best person we want to be not just for us, but for the people that would move heaven and earth for us. I have those kind of people in my life and I am forever grateful to Allah for giving me that.
I love my mum, in my heart there is an empty room with the sign 'ummi' at the front fill with all things pertaining her that I'll go once in awhile when I miss her and need her strength, but until that it will remain lock and vacant.
One thing for sure, I'm making new rooms for other people that I've never given the chance to have a place in my heart. Nothing wrong with more love in one's heart for love is the light that always drive away the darkness. Always.

My love for my family.
My love for God.
My love for my friends.

Those are the light that guides me home and ignite my bones as Coldplay sang it in Fix you.

1 comment:

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