1/2 year later

At last July is here. One more month till internship. 4 more months till I finish university so that means 8 more months till my travelling year begins.

I have not much to say except that band of horses will be my July soundtrack.

I will start work on monday to fill the boredom and beat the insomnia like the boy in cash back.

I am reading stephanie meyer's the host.

I want to reread back Harry Potter and the deathly hollows but my copy of the book is with my sister's friend.

I can't wait for Harry Potter part 2 but sad it will be the last installment of the whole series.

Hope July will just move on quickly because I am getting tired of waiting to kick start the journey of my traveling year and my internship. This soul is getting restless. I am not good with long holidays..that's what I've learnt this passed month. I get too happy being detach from people. It is save to say that I am a happy loner.

the sea+good friends

This picture depicts it all.

This is my reflection of how my weekend went with a bunch of good friends. When I am near the sea, I just switched off my mind to bask in the sun and salty water. So,there is not much to ramble about. Hence this short entry to sum it all up.

I love how the sand feels when I dug my toes into its grainy texture and sink into its sometimes hard, sometimes fluffy composition and looked out into the sky and water. The sound of the waves crashing against the rocks is always soothing to my ears. I feel like I can sit there for hours and just smile like an idiot listening to its’ rhythmic sound not thinking about anything. Oh and at night, watching the stars glowed and burned dimly for me still excites my childish heart and I feel so blessed even though they came out for only a few flickering moments then hides away behind the dark night. Good friends’ laughter’s echoing in the background made the night alive and I feel right where I belong while the sea breeze whished passed my hair. All I could do was smile. There was no reason to not too. For a while all my troubles seem to escape from my mind and I liked it. Actually, I loved it a lot. Nothing gives me such happiness like being near the sea.

:)

PS: I need to move somewhere near the sea so I can feel this happy everyday I wake up. I can be broke and alone but I will still feel somewhat connected to the world and blessed to be alive.

the breakup song

I can't seem to stop listening to this lovely lass above. I love her nonchalant attitude towards the cut-throat industry about her looks, her charming cockney accent, her humor, her classiness,that ginger hair, stunning look and oh yeah her booming soul searing voice.

I gave this a thought, if my life were a movie and I am going through a break-up. Then Adele's songs should be the background music to accompany the tears, flashbacks and "I can't look at you right now fucker" looks couple have when the relationship had taken a turn to loathing. Oh and of course the post breakup scene where one would stare mindlessly in a daze getting sucked in my the whirlwind of emotions.

I think it will make my breakup much more theatrical. Yeah sure, I would go nuts listening to all the lyrics, but maybe it will let me purge out the emotions faster instead of not knowing what to do with all of them.No?

Maybe I am wrong, coming from someone that has never gone through a breakup but it is nice to know that I have a tune for a horrible event in my life later in the future. Hey,maybe I'll even laugh about it at that moment.

Okay,I don't even know what I am yapping about.But for now, this is part of my story as sung by Adele.

This is how the story went
I met someone by accident
It blew me away
It blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, you buried them away

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Drop you off at the train station
Put a kiss on top of your head
Watch you wave
Watched you wave

Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
Neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call it home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain, the morning rain
Although I wish that you were here
That same old road that brought you here
Is calling me home, It's calling me home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Hello again :)

I really need to start writing in my journal again because I am so close to finishing it and you know how I love to buy a new journal. Now you are force to read my ongoing ramblings because for now I am really into sharing rather than being a close of f bitch. Bah,fuck mysterious, I can save that for when I am being courted by a gentleman *bats eye*.

LE GASP *what has gotten into me?*, next thing you know I'll be telling you how much I weight and my deepest darkest secret. Fret not my cherie, I'd have to be seriously high for that to happen. Which never because I am too cool for a spliff and I can be fun even when I am sober.

It is currently 3 am and I couldn't sleep because I literally passed out after eating a slice of my homemade chocolate cake around 5 pm just now. Hmmphh, this really makes me wonder if someone tempered with my cake batter some how. Maybe slip in a lil cannabutter? *LE SHOCK*.Don't worry, I highly doubt I was drugged and really sure was just a little sleep deprived.

Today my sister followed me to campus and one of my classmate was shocked to see the vast difference in our appearance. You know how some sisters just look like two peas in a pod? Well, my sisters and I are really 3 different individuals when it comes to look as well as personality.Anyways, I always get this so this one time I actually tell people that I am adopted. Its fun mind fucking people. They get really mellow with you and get overly sensitive about things. This really makes me sound like an insensitive bitch no? Don't worry, I usually just fest up right after or maybe a few days later because I am not good at putting up a straight face.

In my defense, I just get tired of explaining my family background to people. Its not that complicated, I just don't want to come across as boastful. Besides, at the end of the day I am still muslim and malaysian regardless of my genetic inheritance.

okay,enough ramblings. Time to sahur.

I can do this!

This is so true don't you agree?

The next few months wouldn't be a breeze for me and I know that. I will be thrown into a new but not unfamiliar environment. This lassie will be a trainee teacher to a bunch of primary school children come July. I was nervous before, but I am done being nervous and worried about what might happen(my stubbornness to focus on the negativity is not admirable at all!) is replace with this new found excitement to educate and play a part that I've been studying and work on for the past 2 years.

It is time to put all the discussions and readings to test.

Figuring out what techniques and strategies will be most effective for those little rascals.

I hope I will be able to be a good teacher, I really do. I want to do my best for that 14 weeks because I don't want to fuck someone's child up along the way.

Found so many inspirational teaching-related blogs on tumblr while I was going through the suggested tumblr section(which is new I think). I have not fully check them all due to my decreasing broadband limit (been online way too much during the holiday), but most of them are actual teachers' blogs, so it is inspirational to read about their experiences.

I am excited now, but scared too. But hey, life is all about doing things that makes you feel afraid right? It is the ones worth doing.

the dream part 1

I should be quick, the juice on this laptop is dying and I am to lazy to run to the other room to get it. It's been a pretty much mellow holiday. I can't believe I am not going insane staying at home not meeting anyone. To be honest, I am actually really contented that I don't have to meet people because I like time to myself. Feels like I haven't had one of those "me-time" in awhile what with Uni and everything else. Its already June and that means I have roughly around 8 months till a life of new faces,unwashed jeans , part-time jobs, getting lost in a new place, being broke to the point I can't afford food,taking pictures,backpacks, sun, rain, sea, chilly weather, boarding flights,trains, reading maps and all the great as well as bad things associated to travelling.

I've made up my mind, 2012 will be my travelling year. It's about time right?

I thought I should be brave and come out and just say what I want, which is to travel. This heart wants to wonder into places she has only seen in movies and read in books in person. This heart wants to "stand up to live so she can write about life" to quote one of her idol,Yasmin Ahmad.

Since I am really good at giving up because I am too scared to even try, I want to begin my journey here. Which is admitting.

I WANT TO TRAVEL TO AUSTRALIA THEN LATER EUROPE NEXT YEAR DESPITE NOT HAVING ANY MONEY AT ALL TO FUND MY TRAVELLING.

there.
I know it will be hard, so that is why I think through writing about the difficulties and progress,it will keep me motivated, inspired, reminded and determine on what I want.Maybe I can look back and go through my posts and go "woah girl, that all went down and you are still alive and kicking it?the highest of five and self loving moment right about now" during those times of self-doubting and anxiousness.
So I thought it would be neat if I title them under one title only in different parts.People might laugh and snort at my childishness and wishful thinking, but sod it, this is how I roll.Maybe I am crazy to be sharing too much, but I figured writing it out here really put my mind at ease.

"This passed few weeks I've been checking the the visa procedures and read all them through with a heavy sigh at the end of it. There is a lot to be done. Money and documents to be prepared. Forms to be filled. In my head was this voice "Can you do this? this looks difficult", followed by heavier sighs and fidgeting. But one skpe call from the sister, all anxiety and fears were put to rest. The mind is back on track!Insyallah, have faith and dream big!"

so that is what I am going to constantly chant to myself when I feel demotivated, Have faith and dream big!

:)

Until next progress,or thought

stand up

it is safe to say that I am out of my funk. I feel 100th time better than I did last week. Thanks to those people that had made me looked at things in a different light, you might not know who you are, but Thanks anyways.

I know now that it is how you react to things that matter,screw everyone else. It is my choice to be who I choose to be even if its not what other people deem as cool or fitting, I really don't care. I want to wear my hijab today but not tomorrow, it is my choice. Nobody has a say in what I should wear or look.If I want to say a certain movie franchise as overrated than so be it!

so thank you for inspiring me instead of making me feel like I should shut up,sit down and keep everything to myself.

I say, grab a microphone, tell it all to the judgmental pretentious fucks a piece of my mind and laugh. my laugh is infectious dearies so shut up and listen up.

a toast to self-esteem!

endless worries

If one can put all the worries in a box, duct tape it twice at the opening and throw it out into the sea. One would have done it immediately. But maybe it serve as a language understanding of what one feels. then maybe just then, one can move instead of being weigh down by the boxes of worries one carries around this week.

When dreams seem difficult to obtain. One feels a little helpless and discontent.


why does one worry too much?

one is just scared of fucking up again because this time, one is doing it all alone.

holiday blues

days join together into one never ending day. that is what a long holiday feels like. especially when you are waiting for your life to be over. you can't do anything but lie there on bed and stare at the ceiling thinking of everything and nothing all at once. you start to pick a fight with yourself. getting angry about the could have been, the should have been and the had been while your body remain stationary through the shouting, persuading and cooing. at the end of if, both your mind and body feels like they just went through some sort of a battle but with no scars to prove but just silence and far-away eyes. nothing make sense.

Maybe I have foreseen days like this..maybe I am encouraging it..then maybe I need to let it out of my system.

holiday blues,
you come here with your smiles,
thinking you can coax me into your madness.

I say well,
you can have me today,
just not tomorrow.

Irah