sir, you threw your words like we're buying it

If I concentrate hard enough, I feel like I can rewind time. Just for tonight, Allah, just tonight. I want to rewind time for that few seconds of ungraspable moment.

Just that one moment.

Where, we ran down the stairs just as I heard him exploded the word “sayang” to her. That sharp tone of rage in one word. He destroyed it all for us, he wasn’t a person anymore. When we ran, we stopped at the edge of stairs with a halt, not brave enough to step on the marble floor, that’s suppose to be our home. A safer ground. But, its like the marble floor was off limits in my head, the chillness of the white marble floor seemed to be ferociously hot like a burning coal so I wouldn’t dare to step more.

She came crying to me, calling our names, saying she’s living and that we must stay with him. Amid
the sudden movements and decisions, my brain went roaring and my heart swelled as she took the keys from it’s place and headed to the door.

It was all so fast, I couldn’t comprehend it. I couldn’t let go of her without going with her too.

Oh I wished I had pushed him and lead her out the door and into the car, but it’s like my brain didn’t work. I couldn’t even speak!!!

I tried saying something but my words came out short and wasn’t understandable.
The tears kept coming out of nowhere, its like I went on a tear rampage!
I can’t even say I want to go with her , I just kept holding her wrist and tried saying it.
Fuck!! the words didn’t come out.
Then he just had to came and blocked the door, and pleaded.

And I just had to ran up and tried to call for anyone’s help but wasn’t brave enough.

He couldn’t possibly know what love is, if he does he wouldn’t have done that, he wouldn’t have behaved like that. He has become some one I don’t know. You, sir had misused the term love.
This time I don’t think I can accept it, I couldn’t, not this time. Tonight it ends here, I couldn’t understand you anymore. I couldn’t accept your words, I couldn’t accept your love. Tonight, we cut all ties. I want her to fight you, tonight I want her to fight you in front of the judges and witnesses.

I just want this to stop.
I wan you to stop .
Just let go.
Let go of us.

I need to move on.
We need to move on.

For you sir, had became inhuman. You’re too bitter of it all. I’m truly confused and morose by what you had let life done to you.

so not anymore, i wouldn't accept when you said you love me.





“where did we go wrong?”

----------------------------------------------

-sigh-
my life is like a frikkin yoyo, how did i get myself into all this?
i thought this only happens in the movies.

WHOA!WHOA!

click,click,click!!

paramore, i will see you in concert one day.

watch it people,i have a way of making it happen even if it's impossible,
i know i can succeed,
like he said

"if you mess this up now, you're going to mess everything else for the rest of your life. you only have one shot.one chance.one time"
my dreams are mine to chase and hold, even if it doesn't make senses to you and i've fallen over the wagon so many time, i know i can do this all alone.
i want this badly.

no more doubt.

no more.

it stops here.
here.

now watch me kill the liars and the patronizers.
im doing you a fav really.

the fiend and engagement aftermath

The fiend.

A sense of awkwardness hang above all of us and it’s thickening day by day. Truly, maybe none us had really moved on from the incident inflicted by our lack of maturity and inner monster lashing out because inside I think we’re all just one sad ill girls boasting power towards people but behind close doors we hid under the blanket because we fear of the black silhouette on the wall and the loud tapping on the windowsill during a stormy night. We couldn’t just rubbed off the black spot tainted on our friendship because maybe in the first place this quirky boldness of euphoria was just a false pretence in stepping up the so-called social ladder. A way I bet all of us thought to expand ourselves socially and having this some sort of little fame of our own in this little inner circle of friends. How we had failed not just ourselves but the people that really matters along the way. None of us had hoped for something beyond each others reach at one point, hoping for the failure of another and the embarrassment of each other. We wasn’t the little girls we thought we were anymore, we had became the full fledge girls that used ourselves as a weapon to bring each other down just to feel this some sort of superior towards another. The forms of elements used wasn’t just beauty but intelligence that were knowledgeable to others.
How far will this silence hold in place so we don’t have to actually face each other off? You know, if we were to live in the medieval times, we would have face each other with such ferocity like we wanted inside. Bring out the swords, shield and horses my lady. We’ll have a duel with one another to prove our rights and to protect our ego and dignity, or should I say what’s left of it? I thought of one us dying, but at least we don’t have to live in this silent madness of lies! That’s not like living at all.
We’re so fickle minded , don’t even try to deny that fact.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
my thoughts wasn't filtered when i wrote this, so its really frank and bitter.

enjoy?
no.

this doesn't really relates with the events that had happened in my life, but just the part of it.

i learned that you can't just blow it away by not talking about it and forgetting it, because this things has a way of bitting you back in the arse.

therefore,i want to remember part of it all.
even if its not pretty.

On a lighter note, last night m slept over and we went to my neighbor's daughter's engagement party. It was the BEST engagement party i've been too, hands down, it think i;ve gotten my fair share of awful ones.

Punjabi really knows how to throw a party, and shake it all right there and then!
they literally broke out into dance moves, with arms in the air and singing "priya,priya,priya" into chorus.

mind you,me and m was tempted to jump it too, but that'll be to hard for the pips to handle yo!
right m?

the charm ones =D

due to the fact that i was totally in love with Charm. i think we're pretty powerful in our own way.our first time taking pictures together now,oddly since i used to camera all the time.
this probably due to the fact that we're all just to darn busy.
but we're never been this close. i guess everything does takes time to happened.

fanfictions

you know what i misses?
fan fictions and tina's awesome stories.

oky oky,it's not the fact that I'm in it and the guys are in there too.

hey!you can't blame us for being total stalkers and boppers.

we weren't as stupid as the media and bitter journalist portrayed the band's fans are.

we rock our own boats.
=D

link to the stories:

http://feshiziker91.buzznet.com/user/journal/393171/i-still-love-you-i/

i'm warning you, this was once upon a time ago.

HIGH school

High school.

It’s the same day over and over again, truthfully that’s how I feel. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I don’t like high school for all those pumped up reasons they gave you. Like all this school spirit bullshit and being friends with people outside your race. we’re all people! What difference does it make?
Our skin color? Our language? Our religion? Our mind set?
That’s just the hard exterior all of us have. To feel this some kind of protection against racial slurs and obscene comments. Being in that sticky situation where you try to lie your way out of. So you can save your ass. But then you meet these people that have the same mind set as you do. So then, that is where you start saving other people’s asses besides yours so you don’t fee like a complete inconsiderable person that you are. So from there, you start to learn to give and take. To care and to hold others when they need you the most in their life. Just like when you needed them. When we laughed at the same time, holding our sides because it hurts so much from all those laughing, or trying to massage your jaw because it wouldn’t settle down to its normal state due to laughing way too much.
Those are the good times you have with this people you met along the way in high school. Through it all you learnt to forgive and forget, the hard way! Before, you was this tyrant that only wants things to go your way, and other’s suggestions and ways were ruled out instantly! The day had come when you actually learned to accept your parents for who they are and that all this while, it wasn’t really their fault, it was you being the little turd all along. How they put up with you, is a baffling thought to hold because that was the time you thought of all the crying and curses you said along with their name out of anger and being to young to understand anything. Right there and then, you look at your mum beside you and smile silently , then you look back at the trees passing by on the same road you had taken for the pass 5 years. During this journey of self discovery and self transitions, you finally made peace with your sister after both of you cried holding hand trying to put back your bedroom door with nails and a hammer. It was hopeless by then after the big fight, with that I meant the door, but it was a turning point for both of you. For years I will be telling the same tale of the day we became sisters and I had to lived for months without a door. Yes, MONTHS!
Somehow along the way, the power of music had taken your soul wholly and you was hooked with rock music and that was the part of a spiritual journey in your life, just because you listened to their music religiously. That was the time you talked about such obscene stuff that I think if our parents found out, we should wash our mouth with detergents. And made us all read the Quran everyday so that we can cleanse our heart and mind entirely. Despite the bad things they think you were up to, you really do talk about your religion along the way. Talking about Allah and being a Muslim had always been the topic where we simmered down and thought for awhile, He stops us from doing anything more stupider and sinful actions. These inner conflicts we have from family and peer pressure evolves us into being a human being that we are today. We’re not completely perfect but we’re trying, trying and trying. Even trying to be a better Muslim. Believe me, I kid you not. Then we have these days where everything changes, where you have to step up in everything. The pressure to excel in examinations kicks in hard and you had to give in because they said it will determine your life. So you got scared because for once in your life you don’t want to be a nobody. You want to make something of yourself, achieving your dreams and hopes that sometimes you do feel lonely doing this because it’s not fun anymore. They had ripped everything you had because they want to shoved their beliefs down your throat because they said they’re older so that makes them wiser. You can’t stand up to these dictators because everyone weren’t standing up with you. They just got on with their life, going to and fro the classes corridors with a blank expression. So, that’s when you start to feel like you’re back to square one somehow. But occasionally, you will have this moments with those people again, and it hits you like BAM! They’re still here, they haven’t left after all. So again you smile at the thought, and feel content and suffice for the moments you hold on too rather alarmingly. Now you feel that it’s time to let go, and let flow. Just time for a closure for this part of your life. Close this chapter without any hurt and confusions, but with gladness and relief. I’m excited to close this chapter and open a new one. New people, new experience and new surrounding. A clean slate so you can breath and feel the freedom, because all this mambo jumbo thoughts came down to only one thing. That is, having the freedom to fly.flyyyyyyyyy.


Dude!remember that year somebody sang hillary duff’s song fly in front of the whole class because some one dared him too! Kelakar gile siot!!

could be a thousand years apart;but i always....

I AM BEAT OUT TIRED!

Saturday nights are my most up beat night of the week, so on Sundays i usually sat home and sleep in because Saturdays are my get going day.My saturdays had been physically tiring but exciting at the same time ever since last year, i think. I know they just want to be there for us in everyway possible, so we dont feel the hole of emptiness my dad had left on my family, and you know what it's working. i dont even feel least bit short of love when they are around. they were here for every birthday since we were born, and they will be here in the future.
well, i want them too.

now i really learn the meaning family always first.
because they are there for you in ways you don't expect them to be. yes, they will be the people you cry over but they are the people who tells the truth about you when even your close friends can't.

so to me, my family is like my wake-up call.
they'll tell me the truth i need to know, they accept me the way i am and they constantly reminding me of being thankful to allah swt.

okay,
so with that

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAK BELLA,NADIAH,UMMI ,KIMI AND MAK NGAH!!!

NOW I SHALL COLLAPSE ON ME BED!

gosh i need a bath. @_@

-sorry for grammatical errors and such, im to tired to check and correct them.

finding time to try

sometimes we need to remember,we just need to try and remember the things that brought us so much joy, those days where everything are possible beyond our reach.
when you walked out with your shoe laces tied firmly at your feet, you know it'll be an okay day,when you don't expect the worst. but you do at the spurs of moments because it all seem surreal for you.
just unreal.
but you let your self drown in those times you have, because thats what life is about. living the moments, many might object my thoughts on this but what the hell like i care what you think. even though i would love to hear your objections and will probably hear it with and open heart but all of us have minds of our own right?


i had those days where everything just seem so perfect, of course those days wasn't spent alone.
i couldn't stand my thoughts all alone, blabbing about how things should be or should have been.
the inner turmoils, my family and friends had inflicted in my big head constantly burns at the back of my mind.
hey im not saying this like bad thing okay ? :)
well not always a bad thing

they make me grow as a human being,
when you know you have the mind of your own and dare to stand up for them, i believe you had achieved something or more than that in life. its like that another step you took forward.
because i personally believe that "silence is a killer",
i know, i of all people aren't the bravest or the courages in standing up or speaking out.
but maybe i want to believe i can try and be that better person,because i know that it is in me somewhere beneath this layers of skin,hey everyone needs time to be some one, to find themselves.

anyways, i just babbled things that i want to get out of my head to make room for more thoughts like chemistry of addmath.ekkk.

so back to the things i really want to share with whoever is reading this and for me to make a mental note that doesn't consist of me scribbling on my notebooks or room and get lost in piles of books and my messy table and shelf.

another good movie for today,
"finding Forrester"
i wouldnt comment on the actors and actresses acting in that movie but what the movie brought to its audiences.

a good sense of how to write and how society is.
or maybe more, i wouldn't touch deeper on the story because i like to absorb everything a good movie provide my soul. :)

okay okay,i'll write a good quote from the movie because you know i have a knack for quotes.

"The rest of those who have gone before us cannot steady the unrest of those to follow."

what do you think that meant?
for now i'll keep that to myself because the laptop battery is running seriously low!

btw yuna rest my mind, heart and soul.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=120696064

unfiltered

its just one of those things that baffled me so much, of how peoples reactions and behavior.

that includes mine.

i can keep on trying and doing but somehow it comes up short like maybe after all this im giving up easily, or maybe this is my way of quiting.

by doing it slowly, its like that song "killing me slowly"

awesome movie though, hugh grant(hopefully thats how he's name is spelled) and the boy were perfect together.

i know what my flaws are, what i lack and should throw away.
like those old knick knacks i threw away every time i decide to do cleaning, metaphorically i think those things resembles the old habits i cant shake off.

that's rather pathetic .

despite all this unhealthy and unsatisfied feeling i still cant be dark, expressively.

angry yes.
very much.

maybe thats just it,
i couldn't be truly despair of myself because sometimes its all what you have even though thats not true, but everyone felt that way i think.
thankfully i want to portray some sort of happiness in all my pictures and life.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

this blog is just for me to ramble on things and catching up with some people in my life.
sometimes its easier to be written down then talk about it.
or maybe i need a place to pour out my sanity before i go insane.

i shall say thank you to ella for encouraging me to try and be creative in every way possible.
to let my voice get across the interwebz,
so what if people can read my thoughts and mind.
i'll try to filter it as much as i can !!!

-insyallah-

controls

at one point in your life you will feel totally drained of inspirations and outputs of life.
well,
thankfully thats not where i am right now,
when you started to see this visions in your head of how things could be and how to makes things become more than they are, it thrilled you so much but at the same time it makes you rather addicted to that certain idea.
for example of getting how things are done, to get that one single frame of idea across so it can stop bugging you at the back of your mind.

like this uncontrollable feeling of wanting where it all have to hang out there, when you know you have to do it and drop everything else just for the sake of getting it right.

that feeling had gotten control of my life.

the obvious

i ditched school today again!once again.and i'm glad i did.

i will write more after this,mak su and sab is here.
im waiting for anne to drive again.
and no we wouldn't crash.
hopefully.

video and pictures will be taken.

this is exciting somehow....?
was persuaded by the spectacular ella