our swords

"Out on the wall sounds of banging is constant coming from your head

And desperate the calls came and ringing from those wanna wring your neck

Wring your neck"

It was one of those evenings where it would be shinning too damn brightly that you can feel the UV rays penetrating through your skin and gnawing at your flesh like an invisible microorganism. well did you remember that day? I did. I remembered it clearly.

We were just walking idly on the pavement when fat drops of rain fell on our head and in just seconds it started pouring. It was like god just accidently dropped a cup of water on us and went "Opps, sorry about that humans". We made a mad dash to the nearest building to take shelter from the heavy rain. To my excitement I've pulled you towards the cinema. It was vacant but only a few old people in their shorts and sandals with socks on. Not to mention the tacky holiday shirts, where are we? Hawaii??

You mentioned something about how horrible the weather has been lately while shaking the water off your hair like cats always do after a bath to their fur. That made me laughed because the water went on the passersby with the bowl cut and he gave us a very irritated look.

Just to passed the time we bought tickets to watch some movie we've never heard off. So this story was about a couple of teenagers running around L.A looking for a band call Fluffy. Sounds cool? well, the truth of it all it was another love story but less comedic and more realistic. Which is always good for me. Not to mention the excellent soundtrack.It was either that or a badly remake of something that was already awful in the first place.

However, knowing how you can only stand gory and science fiction when it comes to the big screen. You had already fallen asleep with your head on my shoulder 10 minutes into the movie after finishing the popcorn that was meant to be shared. But you knew how I don't even like popcorn that much so I saw that one coming.

When the movie was almost ends, I don't know why I started sobbing quietly. The slight tremors that occurs when you're crying woke you up. You looked startled and asked me whats wrong and I started blubbering like an idiot and you just laughed, gave me hugged and called me a romantic wuss. Then wiped my tears and told me this would never happen if we were watching star-trek. Which resulted to me hitting you on the head and saying strings of obscenity. Used to my quick tongue you just laughed.

When the movie ended we went outside and were very delighted to find that the rain has also stopped. Your hand-phone rang and you looked at the screen and instantly looked somber. Reluctantly, you picked up anyway. I knew who was that. It's her. Fresh out of her hangover and infidelity. I heard sobbing and pleading on the other end and five seconds later there she was in the flesh inside the silver Nissan by the pavement. You looked shocked and said to the receiver "Stay there,i'm coming" and turned to me "I'm sorry but I have to handle this" looking at me rather apologetically.

"It's okay, go. I rather not her make scene right here" .He clasped my head and said "You're the best. Drive home safely ok."

I just smiled meekly and said "You know I always do".

Then watched you got into the car and drove away into the evening, disappearing from my sight.

Do you know why I cried like an idiot just now? It hit me and I couldn't contained it. I am Norah. You're Nick. I can't believe I'm in love with an idiot.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Needed to get it all out there. This is entirely fictional and has no relation to people alive or dead. But it was inspired from someone alive. You know I wouldn't make it easy for you to understand how I feel by just a simple lyric or a sentence. It has to be a long winded story to let you decipher the puzzle of my heart and mind.

Yes, I'm really complicated. But if you know the movie. Then you can easily understand what this story means.

Enjoy? hopefully.

give me more tea to calm this nerves

i've been downing countless cups of tea today. Rose is the best because you get that whiff of rose and feel instantly calmer. the loveliness of tea just makes me oh so jolly. can i write a poem about it? oh dearie,you better brace yourself before I burst into rhymes about this caramel coloured liquid. I wish someone would go to Ceylon again and buy me more boxes of flavoured tea. I can't get enough of them.

PS: they are best serve with cream crackers. dunk it and let the sogginess invades your mouth with such delight.

May is fast approaching and I am getting all jittery thinking about my internship.There are just to many things going through my mind right now. I need to brush up on my grammar. This lass needs to crack open the grammar book and get schooled fast. I know i can do it! come July, I'll be a grammar nazi that will irritate the hell out of people.

May will be a busy month for me. Will have to organize a farewell dinner, conduct my individual microteaching, draw that layout of my ideal classroom and get my folio done for testing and evaluation in one week. I think this is why I am having a lovely headache and downing cups of tea. I am readying myself for a very busy month ahead. Need to stack up on the fuel. Very english of me aye?

Ah well, this will keep me busy from thinking of when it will all be over. Time will fly and before I know it, i will feel the certificate on my hand and continue my life on a different road.

However, this year is proving to be a good year for the music geek that I am but a bad year for the broke ass student that I am. Right, need to get a job between all this chaos. Too many good bands stopping over and I'd be damn if I miss them.

I CAN DO THIS!!

okay, the pulsing in my head is getting quicker. Need to shut down and get an early start. Insyallah everything will work out. Yallah,please give me the strength to pursue each of my work with diligence! Amin.

the mess

leaving isn't quite the same, he said to me,

as running away

if you're scared or tired of what you're scared of

well, why should you stay?

he loved to say goodbye

and always counted out the time

until he was free, to get up and leave

to learn how to breath

again



slipping out to have a cigarette with someone else that he'd never met

ask her if by the way would she like to run away

and try to forget?

or just not to stay, to leave without saying why



to get up and go

to catch the last train

to get in some car

and drive out again

to never come back this way....

and have to say....

goodbye
---------------------
turn all the he into a she.

need to sort of the mess. the mess in my head. the mess in my closet. the mess in your life.

Another night,another nightmare.

I saw you in my dreams again last night. You gave me another warm feathery kisses across the cheek gently as if doing so might scare me away. Oh the contrary I was pleased like a child getting the toy she has been harboring over for quiet some time. I don't understand why you keep coming to me in my dreams, but I rather not dwell on them too much. Maybe my subconscious mind is giving me a subtle hint of what I feel and how I should react to them. However, I refuse to act upon this hormonal needs for I now what reality have in store for me. These dreams, they are just wishful thinking mixed in with estrogens and bit of too much television.

Delighted as I am to be dreaming about your smile and kisses, I have been dreaming about my sister too. In my dreams, she always came home for the weekend all the way from Australia. The setting will always be a big dinner party with the whole brood, and I can't seem to ever have the time to speak to you alone because everyone else wants you to themselves too.

Although, last night's dream was an improvement. We laughed, ate and smiled a lot. Just like we used too. I can't believe I wouldn't be seeing your godawful pretty face until December.A whole year not hugging you.A whole year not fighting with you. A whole year not calling you names. A whole year not getting angry at you. A whole year not crying in your arms. A whole goddamn year not seeing you cry and give my shoulder to lean on.

I feel myself, changing with you not around. I have yet to learn if those changes are good or bad.

Insyallah they are for the better.

show me the manual

here we are again.

I need to make a decision of the next turn in my life. This time, I do know what I want. But they don't seem to see the importance of my choice because time is of the essence. yeah, i get that. that is why i need to do what I want to do to prevent myself from making the wrong decision and waste more time. I just need time, distance and space to figure it out thoroughly.

I need to spent the last of my teenage year doing what I've always wanted as a child. I don't want to let that kid down by running towards being a full-blown adult just yet. I need to still find my footing on what kind of an adult or heck maybe just a person as I enter a new phase of life.

It must seem silly for them to understand this, but I need to explore for a bit on my own. Maybe i can find the answers there. I am always searching, not for myself , but for parts that I can assimilate and create myself. I am truly a firm believer that one is shape by experience. I need a new environment to experience damn it!

let me have this please. Yallah please let they see my reasoning and comprehend it with open heart.I want their blessings.

Insyallah everything will work out well. I just need to keep positive and look at my goal dead in the eye and say "This is what I want!"

The universe will fall through for me.I just know it!

show me the manual

here we are again.

I need to make a decision of the next turn in my life. This time, I do know what I want. But they don't seem to see the importance of my choice because time is of the essence. yeah, i get that. that is why i need to do what I want to do to prevent myself from making the wrong decision and waste more time. I just need time, distance and space to figure it out thoroughly.

I need to spent the last of my teenage year doing what I've always wanted as a child. I don't want to let that kid down by running towards being a full-blown adult just yet. I need to still find my footing on what kind of an adult or heck maybe just a person as I enter a new phase of life.

It must seem silly for them to understand this, but I need to explore for a bit on my own. Maybe i can find the answers there. I am always searching, not for myself , but for parts that I can assimilate and create myself. I am truly a firm believer that one is shape my experience. I need a new environment to experience damn it!

let me have this please. Yallah please let they see my reasoning and comprehend it with open heart.I want their blessings.

April shines through

"The sun was warm but the wind was chill.
You know how it is with an April day.
When the sun is out and the wind is still,
You're one month on in the middle of May.
But if you so much as dare to speak,
a cloud come over the sunlit arch,
And wind comes off a frozen peak,
And you're two months back in the middle of March."
- Robert Frost, Two Tramps in Mud Time, 1926

We are already fast approaching the first half of the year in an blink of an eye. I really can't believe that it is already April! That'll bring me to certain milestones in my year so far. First, it will be 2 months since my sis went to the land of down under and eight months till i see her prudy face again. This also means that I am this much( ) close to being a trainee teacher in some suburban primary school.
How daunting is that? pretty much what I am force to think about every bloody day. This also marks the fourth months since I succumb to peer pressure and social habits that is becoming the youth of our nation(I'll let you speculate which one is it because I rather not say it on here).Don't need anymore heat since the days(and nights) have been way too humid that I feel most of my days are spent fighting the UV rays to get going about my work.
However, I think being a Malaysian, it is something that one gets use to easily.This is a country where the humidity can fry an egg on the side walk(i've never tried, but very sure that it is possible)and still see people be wearing layers of clothing. Just amazing eh? those mat salleh I've always see on the monorail with their shorts and light-weight tops looks absolutely suffocated in the Malaysian weather while i stand there in my hijab and 2 layers of articles and feeling easy-breezy pumpkin breezy.Don't i sound like a cocky bitch right about now? deal with it.
Besides dealing with the scorching sun (i really blame global warming), my last studying semester has commenced just a week ago and I am totally buried with things to do. Can't believe it has been 2 years since I've started on this journey towards building a better future for me and the people I love.
Tired as I am with the multitude of projects on the coming months, I am pretty much stoked to be doing a farewell dinner for my class. We have gone through so much together. My class is nothing short of amazing. We are loud and silly to always reminding you to not take life so seriously because once you get out of high school. You tend to forget the simplicity of what life was before you try so hard to make the best of yourself in this dog-it-dog world.
Aside from all this, I really miss my sister and I can't wait to travel. Fuck what people say, i need to see the world beyond this South Eastern shore line.Taking a year off wouldn't kill me. Not taking a year off would probably be the death of me. so, next year if the world does end, I better be leaving a really good one.