the last class.

I am getting sick of too damn brightly lit hallways by the ever blinding fluorescent lights of my academia.
I need to cave in a reverie where they can't find me.
What i need then is a good book.

ready?set,GO!

to join Elizabeth Gilbert on her journey of self-recovery and discoveries :)
just that this time, its on big screen.
hopefully i get to see the movie this thursday or friday.

To Fara:

i want to write a few of this post for you because i can't seem to think all at once. my mind is in a state of sluggishness where there are moments where my mind seem to be quiet as if it is in mourning too for your lost. then these words starts to spur out like getting the last bits of ketchup out of the bottle. I have to literally pry it out of my head because it gets stuck between sadness and worries.

I wish yesterday was a dream for all of us dear, especially you my dear. Maybe it is wrong for me to say that, because its a waste of time to be in denial and we should just accepts that this is Allah's grand scheme of life. However, it does not mean you have to swallow it whole like a good little girl eating her medicine because its good for her. Show a little bit of resistance of you want because i want that drive to extol you always get up and face your day better than yesterday. I know right now you dont have the will to walk the line confidently like you usually do but man you have more balls that any other girl i know (and i know a few) so believe in yourself that you have the guts to be better without your hero my your side.

he has thought you well, you are the most stable-headed girl i know so maybe it is his time to go. he was such a great father to you and your siblings, please remember the light he has shone in your live and bring that where ever you go.

even when you've done that and the day still seem bleaker than ever, you know where to find us tards because we are here for you through thick and thin. we were with you when the day was sunny and blue, we will be with you when your days are damp and grey.

okay?

i love you so much Farah.

current

its because i understand how you feel that its difficult for me to tell you how to be strong because the emotions you are feeling now is going through my veins. Not as electrifying but even a spark can send a little jolt to my body. i know you are feeling the current in every inch of your breath.that is why i cry when you do. i'm sorry.................

parawhore

i am one.
ive been one since i saw the kerrang article of them tina showed it to me where they were reviewed on gig they played somewhere in england. there stood hayley with her fiery red hair all mussed with her orange microphone in hand and her mouth looking like it could swallow it up and her eyes squeeze tight.
then,i heard conspiracy. i was sold. i think they are the first band i've just got into because of the music. i swear til this day i dont know hayley's birthday or her actual age until a month ago because someone told me. so, it is suffice to say that they are the post-MCR band i've listen to when things got a little be rowdy being a fan of my chem. there were too much "this is my opinion and im sticking with it!" attitude from people around me and people all over the world. i felt suffocated being in such a hostile environment that i just wanted out.

the thing with paramore is it felt like your bestfriends are singing songs about the good and bad time you all faces together. you know like a soundtrack to your teenager years. at that time things were really on the rocks with my bestfriends so it was nice to ran to music such as theirs and find that comfort there where i dont have to lose myself again in the hate that was just radiating from every one of my friends.

i remembered finding solace in 'that's what you get', ' let the flames begin' and 'miracle'. i dont know how to explain this to you but it helped washed away the hatred,anger and doubt. i know
one would ask "irah,why cant you find that i the quran". well, i am sorry, im sorry that i failed in finding solace that there and that way when im a muslim. but arent you glad i didnt drown myself in substances and alcohol instead like many of my peers are doing these days?

so, cutting short my ramblings. they are coming here in october. is it weird that i felt it. like something big was happening but i did not foreseen this! dayum. yes, i fancy myself as a psychic.Im a girl.we know this stuff.

so now, im listening to their songs 24/7! even when im doing number 2 in the crapper. when im walking up to classes, when im in class, when i talk to people sometimes and when im about to sleep. oh,its the new songs i'm listening too because im not familiar with them much so i thought i gave them a listen a few weeks ago and man how again the songs fit perfectly with the happenings of my life.

good job, hayley,josh,zach,taylor and jeremy.

so im estatic. naturally...couldnt you tell?:D

dream a little dream

yesterday i watched the last song. yes miley fuking cyrus was in it. castrate me if you want but was intrigued to see her outside of disney and hannah montanna for a change. and sadly, she failed. i wasn't annoyed with her but rather the character they gave her. It was too pigeon-holed. ahh yes,you have the typical adoloscent rebelling against her parents and wearing dark clothing but yet, we know this teenage supposedly "time bomb" have the IQ of a genius and the heart of gold.

i thought there would be something more to the story but its a story my 10 year old brother could have written. He has a blog you see and writes better than some people my age i know. i havent read the book so i can't say how much they've followed it but i've watched other movies based on the nicholas spark's novels and they have remained to be among my favorite movies in the romance genre of all time.

speaking of which, the other day i was watching this apparently CLASSIC romantic movie title "FRANKIE AND JOHNNY". Now that is something! How they've captured love between two people seem so ordinary; no breaking into songs, no explosions and no grand gesture.

the message its soundly putting out was being love and to love is a grand gesture on its own.
how nice is that.
makes a non-believer such as myself to not swoon but see the logic in the whole idea.
maybe, just maybe i will call some one sayang. however, now i have to swat that idea aside because yesterday too i was dreaming of a future that will leave you flabbergast. i dont know if i should tell you, it seem too precious to let it out of the bag just yet.

just to enlighten you how a 10 year old thinks nowadays, please hit up my brother's blog cunningly called FOOD MONSTER.

I dont know why its easier to write about anything these days but i am glad and thankful that i am still going at it because writing helps me learn about myself and express my over rambled thoughts. also, commitment ! only allah knows how i have a huge problems with commitments.

strip down

stick with me now wouldnt you dearest readers?

i know i've been writing sappy post lately but this huge chunk of my year is about accepting what the heart wants with the involvement of another human being.one that seem to make me feel the need to fill in the void in my heart. i'm growing up and this is part of the process that i've been avoiding pretty much 18 years of my life. part of me wants to get it over with as soon as i can but it will feel like i didnt even try and that feeling is much worse than this running around in a constant state of ambivalent.

im learning.

i caught myself

For M.

"I should have never thought of you,i knew,i know in my heart is not you,i knew"

she feels like crying but her tears doesnt seem to want to be release themselves from her tear duct.

"Let go will you, there is no way it will work out.you two are from two different worlds. would you sacrfice

yourself for the likes of him? would he do the same? would he put aside his beliefs just to hold your hand

with the rest of the world as an audience?i doubt that"

"shutupshutupshutup!"

her insides split into two and walked away from her body as two different person and went at each

other with fist and hammer towards each other.she cant stop them because there is no her to make the move. it is

like she's a lifeless doll waiting for those two charges to set her to live again.

where is he when all this is going down?

where is he when things are falling apart?

where is he when she can't seem to see straight anymore?

at that moment she let out a feral scream fill with anguish and rage the two stop quarelling and disappear into

thin air. then she blacked out from the pain...

compromise

one word that is not in my vocabulary.

i wonder if it will be my downfall.

the beat

there was a time where i could turn back time and just push it aside because the idea of it is so silly and impossible that only a madman would ponder over it too much.However, tonight and the next i am personally yours to watch me truly diving myself in the beautiful chaos once again. For in these beats i'm rewinding over and over again seem to be taking me back to a time and place that i wish it wasnt all in my head. they are vaguely ebbing away like a dream that come and go in a flurry flash of memories. everything moved in milliseconds but all too quickly they're gone. you ask me if i am living in the past, well...maybe the present is pale in comparison.

oh if you know me babe, i am nothing but pale. If i could i want to discover a new colour and name it after myself. you will laugh now because i wish for things that only exist in books, but i believe in a world that one can shine the way one wants. Mine just happens to be in every spectrum of the colour in a dark room.

so let me drown myself in this beat til i fall asleep,

a deep sleep that beckons me to those memories so vividly,

by then i wouldnt ask for salvation,

not even when you have your foot press against my chest,

hands wrapped in a violent twist hammering towards my lips,

not even when i've got blood on your floor,

i still wouldnt ask for your saving,

because babe i dont need one.

so stop whispering love songs in my ears while you watch me die,

the lights from my eyes will be out any seconds now,

the image of your puzzled face will be savored,

for i know why you are wondering why i'm still smiling through the pain,

its coz i still hear the sound of the beat drumming madly,

almost keeping me alive...

almost...

click away

remember those?

i want a camera now!so i can take pictures again.........ive lost Ace(my old camera) awhile ago and im regretting it now. i'm seeing the visions again...and i feel a little lost not having a camera to make those visions come true..what a douche i can be for not appreciating Ace...

sun kisses

this was where she stayed and read her copy of haruki murakami. in a wide open space to the left of her university's library compound by the tall glass windows where the sun seemed to be filtering in the most exuberant way. its touch illuminated the white walls making it glow as if it was a placed roamed by divinity. there, she felt the sun kisses her lightly on the cheeks living pink lush stains on her face even long after she has left that room.

for the love of light

anyone that knows me know that i am not a morning person.

i am the creature of the night.

hence, my obsession with owls.

however, i think mornings are great for capturing the light. you know, that moment when the sun rises and the sky just emits that wonderful golden hue like warm honey dash across the baby blue canvas. you would be a fool to not feel the beauty of the world in that moment of time. this morning, after 2 years, i felt that urge to capture the light the best i could even though i was groggy as hell due to lack of sleep.

sorry for the bad quality of a picture, mind you its only 3.2 mega pixel hand phone camera :)

i make the best of everything.

hold on or let go,you decide

when i want to befriend a soul, i am honest about it because i want them in my life. if i do get screw over , then it will probably kill me but i also have a penchant for spontaneity because i can't stand thinking of the could have been after last year's blunder.

so,here i am offering you my friendship, which is far more precious than my heart because in friendship is the only way for me to give it all of me.

you'll learn that in time...