light and love

Gosh I miss this space so much! I have this attachment towards all things containing my writing. Just like my journals, this blog has been mostly made for the purpose of purging my thoughts out and I love every bit of it(not talking about my writing but the stuff I write about). It was not and still not easy for me to be completely honest about a lot of things. Yet I hate the feeling of restricted(yes,I am bi-polar).

I don't know why I am unable to write on my tumblr for awhile. I promised that I was going to write about my time in Melbourne as much as I can but I didn't. I just posted pictures more than words.

Oh, Melbourne was great. It was a whole different world out there away from this Malaysian soil. It has evoked this thirst for traveling like never before inside of me. But mainly to dream and not give up on my dreams to see the world.

I just want to pick my bags and trot the globe fearlessly. Yet I know that I will miss my family and friends so much. TOO MUCH ACTUALLY. I didn't think I was the kind of person that will be homesick until I realized how much I have back home. You know me being an arrogant lil feck that I was, I thought that I was too good for that kind of emotion. I was oh so wrong.

It has also has taught me that no matter where you are and how incredible that place is, without the people you love, the experience is bittersweet cause you will find yourself wishing this person or that person back home can witness and enjoy it with you. Then you get this pang of loneliness being in a foreign place with so many unfamiliar faces around you. Trust me,it is not really the best feeling in the world to feel joy one second and disappointment the next.

Yet, there will also be moments where the feelings are reverse. Oh the emotional see-saw of traveling.

I think my emotions are mostly stem from having to walk away from my family and friends after the lost we went through in October,which got us so close that I felt like it wasn't fair for me to be there in Melbourne. But grief is a strong emotions that was doing things to everybody and I couldn't help to be swept away by it too. Anger, despair and regret are the worst kind of feelings to be having from the moment you wake up in the morning to the moment to close your eyes at night. It consumes you so much that it literally takes the energy out of your body worst than running a marathon.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough even if I tried because guilt is a relentless selfish friend that's so me-centric.

But 13 December came and I rode that 8 hour flight to Melbourne and I did my best to heal. I did my best to be better. I did my best to shake the demons off me.

It almost felt like I was a recovering addict in rehab. The city did me good.It was like I was a silent black and white noir movie before but the city splashed some colours in and before you know it I was a 3D movie . I see beauty in every street corner and every ray of sunlight. I just couldn't be in a damp mood. I enjoy the simplest things like going to the market to buy bread and sitting on the back sit of a car and watching the landscape of the city as my eyes feast of its architecture. Everything looked interesting and fascinating that I felt like a kid staring at shiny toys in wonder about its existence.

Then there was my sister, beating the senses out of me. Telling me to never give up. Telling me to be brave. Believing in me. Having faith in me.

Weird or maybe scary how you don't realize how broken you are until someone forces a mirror right in front of your face and make you stare at the cracks.

Oh its there. You're just too goddamn stubborn and proud to admit that you're not that swell after all.

But I'm human. I can't be fix so easily like a broken toy with a glue and duct tape. That's not how it works.

What I've learnt is that we ourselves have to find it within us to be the best person we want to be not just for us, but for the people that would move heaven and earth for us. I have those kind of people in my life and I am forever grateful to Allah for giving me that.

I love my mum, in my heart there is an empty room with the sign 'ummi' at the front fill with all things pertaining her that I'll go once in awhile when I miss her and need her strength, but until that it will remain lock and vacant.

One thing for sure, I'm making new rooms for other people that I've never given the chance to have a place in my heart. Nothing wrong with more love in one's heart for love is the light that always drive away the darkness. Always.

My love for my family.

My love for God.

My love for my friends.

Those are the light that guides me home and ignite my bones as Coldplay sang it in Fix you.

moving

I think it is best that I be honest with you. I have been blogging on my tumblr...I don't just reblog pictures, but literally writes on it. So, kindly direct to my tumblah for my rants. But, it think I wouldn't delete this blog because it has so many things on it that I want to look back on. Maybe from time to time I will update it. But for now, party at my tumblr!

MA

MY UMMI HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH MULTIPLE ANEURYSM

Just 12 days ago, she was driving the car telling me a story about my brother and laughing her ass off. Now,she's on the hospital bed unconscious, hair shaved and a nasty scar along her hairline.

I miss you so much. I can't even..

Turning point

After the incident that occurred on Wednesday, the next day was surprisingly better. So was the day after that.

I thank my parents and the support of good friends for always getting me through the rough patches in my life. I am thankful for their words for giving me the strength to cope with what life had thrown at me. I am thankful that Allah heard my prayers and helped smoothed out the bumpy road.

A prayer goes a long way. I know that now.

I hope that this is the turning point of my teaching experience.

I am not asking for perfect wonderful day everyday, but I am asking for me to be able to connect with them as much as I can before I leave.

Insyallah.

sleep

I am going to bed, I don't even want to think about tomorrow.

I just want to close my eyes and bury my head in a heap of pillows.

Maybe sleep can cure this heartache.

Worst day

Today things got from worst to super worst.

I totally pulled the stormed out of class in the middle of a lesson with angry tears in my eyes.

I feel like shite doing it cause I've promised myself I wouldn't do that.

I now can't stop crying because of it.

Teaching is so challenging for me. It is hard seeing other people having the time of their life.

It is hard when you are having such a difficult time doing it. It is HARD.

It makes you feel that you are just not good enough for this.

It makes you doubt yourself so much.

It makes you not like them much.

It makes you want to give up.

It makes you sad.

Most importantly, it makes you hate yourself.

I hope tomorrow will be better. I keep hoping that it will but it is getting worst.

But even now, I still hope that it will be better tomorrow. I don't know how but after what happened today, I hope I will be able to connect back with them.

I don't want to leave with them hating me.

That is it.

salty

Listening to Bon Iver's Skinny love made me cried so hard like I haven't cried in so long. I don't even know why I am crying, I don't even understand what this song is about. But the melody just gets to me. Ugh, I am a blubber of a woman with too much emotions when the night is late, when I have so much work and especially when I miss people I haven't seen in awhile and wished to spend an hour with them talking about life. I guess I just feel a little overwhelm by work. Maybe I am just scared and worried. Hence, the tears.

Ok, Bon Iver, you are good. Nobody makes me cry the first time I listen to them.

Every time I listen to this song, I picture a really melancholic scene like in the movies.

The rain pours gently on a bustling city with its blaring neon signage everywhere, I see the good-bye of broken-hearted lovers, the struggle of life in the eye of a foreigner in a stranger's land, the lost of a child by a young single mother and the pain of a young man trying to live up to the his society's expectations. I see their pain and I can't help but get carried away with the emotions along with them.