small happiness

moving

2011-10-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

I think it is best that I be honest with you. I have been blogging on my tumblr...I don't just reblog pictures, but literally writes on it. So, kindly direct to my tumblah for my rants. But, it think I wouldn't delete this blog because it has so many things on it that I want to look back on. Maybe from time to time I will update it. But for now, party at my tumblr!

MA

2011-10-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

MY UMMI HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH MULTIPLE ANEURYSM

Just 12 days ago, she was driving the car telling me a story about my brother and laughing her ass off. Now,she's on the hospital bed unconscious, hair shaved and a nasty scar along her hairline.

I miss you so much. I can't even..

Turning point

2011-09-25T07:18:00.000-07:00

After the incident that occurred on Wednesday, the next day was surprisingly better. So was the day after that.

I thank my parents and the support of good friends for always getting me through the rough patches in my life. I am thankful for their words for giving me the strength to cope with what life had thrown at me. I am thankful that Allah heard my prayers and helped smoothed out the bumpy road.

A prayer goes a long way. I know that now.

I hope that this is the turning point of my teaching experience.

I am not asking for perfect wonderful day everyday, but I am asking for me to be able to connect with them as much as I can before I leave.

Insyallah.

sleep

2011-09-21T07:37:00.000-07:00

I am going to bed, I don't even want to think about tomorrow.

I just want to close my eyes and bury my head in a heap of pillows.

Maybe sleep can cure this heartache.

Worst day

2011-09-21T07:17:00.000-07:00

Today things got from worst to super worst.

I totally pulled the stormed out of class in the middle of a lesson with angry tears in my eyes.

I feel like shite doing it cause I've promised myself I wouldn't do that.

I now can't stop crying because of it.

Teaching is so challenging for me. It is hard seeing other people having the time of their life.

It is hard when you are having such a difficult time doing it. It is HARD.

It makes you feel that you are just not good enough for this.

It makes you doubt yourself so much.

It makes you not like them much.

It makes you want to give up.

It makes you sad.

Most importantly, it makes you hate yourself.

I hope tomorrow will be better. I keep hoping that it will but it is getting worst.

But even now, I still hope that it will be better tomorrow. I don't know how but after what happened today, I hope I will be able to connect back with them.

I don't want to leave with them hating me.

That is it.

salty

2011-09-18T09:09:00.000-07:00

Listening to Bon Iver's Skinny love made me cried so hard like I haven't cried in so long. I don't even know why I am crying, I don't even understand what this song is about. But the melody just gets to me. Ugh, I am a blubber of a woman with too much emotions when the night is late, when I have so much work and especially when I miss people I haven't seen in awhile and wished to spend an hour with them talking about life. I guess I just feel a little overwhelm by work. Maybe I am just scared and worried. Hence, the tears.

Ok, Bon Iver, you are good. Nobody makes me cry the first time I listen to them.

Every time I listen to this song, I picture a really melancholic scene like in the movies.

The rain pours gently on a bustling city with its blaring neon signage everywhere, I see the good-bye of broken-hearted lovers, the struggle of life in the eye of a foreigner in a stranger's land, the lost of a child by a young single mother and the pain of a young man trying to live up to the his society's expectations. I see their pain and I can't help but get carried away with the emotions along with them.

15 things you should know

2011-08-30T10:22:00.000-07:00

Things you should know:

1) I am on a 1 week holiday due to Eid mubarak(Which was yesterday)

2) I have 8 weeks of internship left

3) I probably will sound like the biggest turd ever, but I can't wait for it to be over

4) Last week I came home crying because I couldn't handle my class

5) I don't know how I will do for the next 8 weeks

6) Whatever it is I will try my very best

7) Today is also my country's independent day, 54 YEARS STRONG(sorta)

8) Tomorrow is September and I am ecstatic because that means I am this much closer to getting my ass to Melbourne

9) Sorry I have been neglecting this blogspot but I have been sorta blogging on my tumblr a little bit

10) I write in points now because this shows how my brain lacks creativity

11) Actually, I am just too lazy

12) Because I am suppose to be sleeping since I have to wake up early because we are hitting the road and heading out to my opah's(granma) house.

13) I just felt like I had to tell it to the world

14) Also, I am not wearing pants cause, listening to Foals and eating ice-cream at 2 a.m

15) THIS IS LIFE

-THE END-

happy accidents

2011-08-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

My love for movies or films if you want to sound more cultured, has always been the reason why I am able to speak and write english well since it is my second language. I love watching them and imitating after the characters or wonder about the most ridiculous thing about the story. I have a long list of movies I love that I think I had stopped keeping track on them. Believe it or not, I kept a list in my old journal back when I was 15. Now days, I hardly watch television anymore and I like stumbling upon a good story.

Sure, now I just watch the new television series or movies in my laptop after transferring it from friends that were able to download them. Sure it is easier and inexpensive (also very illegal) but just like everything that is convenient and fast this days, it losses its wonder and quality. In a way its magic. Think about it, for example,fast food; quick but bad for your body and film photography: takes time and money to develop, but the outcome is mesmerizing.

So,like watching television and stumbling upon a good movie, gives me some sort of heart warming joy that even after the movie I would think about it and gushes over how good it was to random ears near by(or in this case, blog about it so random blog walkers would stumble upon it). I am delighted to share with strangers the two movies I saw a few nights ago.

They are Happy accidents and Just like a son. I saw them on the sundance channel(yeah,we changed to astro beyond and they have a sundance channel!HOW WONDERFUL IS THAT?). I tell you, they don't air movies like those in the cinema here. Here, we always get block buster movies that are just a bland reflection of each other(Not all though).

You know,what would be cool? I've always had this idea of having my own cinema where I will air films that I love. Old and new. Maybe I can even play trilogies (example:lord of the rings not twilight) and have theme nights. Be so neat right? It'll play all sort of indie films from all over the world, even documentaries and mockumenteries. Block busters movies are ban from my cinema of course. Maybe only weirdos and nerds will come support my place, but hell, i'll do it for the love of it. OHMYGOD,MAYBE IT CAN BE MY NIGHT JOB.

Nadhirah, teacher my day, indie cinema owner by night.

The stuff I spun in my head aye? oh well, nothing wrong with dreaming.

Right, rambling off like a mad woman as always.

Until next time.

ps: 4th week on internship starting tomorrow. Time sure flies!

the dream part 1: still waiting

2011-08-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

Remember in June I went and declared my dream? Well, it is still burning within my able body passionately. Every time someone asks me what I want to do after this, I usually just say I don't know and make a :( face. But inside, inside I was screaming my ideas like a mad woman that I literally had to shushed myself.

I wonder what people will react to my plan? I know they will judge me for not being practical about my future. Everyone is just such in hurry to get to the next point in their life, maybe it be a career or marriage and all I want to do is find freedom to roam the world with a journal and camera. Take loads of pictures, meet new people and befriend them, learn their culture and widen my perspective on life. That is all I want to do. I don't want a fancy car, a big house, pretty clothes or a title. But, just because I don't want those things doesn't mean I hate people that do, everyone had their preference and I respect that entirely.

That being said, it is now the second week of August and I am ecstatic that the time is moving quiet swiftly. I focus my energy on internship and during quiet moments where my mind is no occupied by lesson plans and classroom management strategies, I fill it with this dream of mine to keep going. I think of my sister's face and words every time I start doubting myself.

I miss her so much.

Anyways, she sent me a budget and my eye ball nearly fell out of its socket. But I am hopeful. One thing life had taught me is, money is something you can find. Don't need to fret, I rather be poor and enjoy life than be rich and miserable. The saying "money can't buy happiness" is dead on. If some smart ass says otherwise, know that that person can have all the money to buy the world but it would never fill out the void of what it can't buy, like love, affection and laughter.

I am sure you are tired of me rambling about this dream of mine, but I am just keeping myself motivated.

Until next post on this, which I surely think in another two months. By then I will be done with my internship and can start this madness. Soon :)

love hate

2011-08-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

Today was not better than yesterday. In fact, it was worst. I guess, I can't always expect for good days every day right? But a girl can sure hoped for it.

I tell ya, teaching is challenging. I don't hate it yet, but I am certainly not feeling that surge of love for it either. So, where does I stand on teaching? On a straight line between those two feeling.

One thing for sure, I do not feel like I am cut out to be a teacher yet.

that was yesterday

2011-08-09T07:59:00.000-07:00

Today was a bit better than yesterday. That was what I only prayed for and really thankful about. Thank you Allah.

PS: No, the feeling like I am about to puke every time I enter a class does not decrease. But my heart feels braver.

internship: week 2

2011-08-07T09:23:00.000-07:00

Entering my third week of teaching. second of ramadhan. Where does the time goes?

I am getting used to being called 'teacher'.

I am getting used to planning and preparing.

I am getting used to wearing heels.

I am getting used to thinking about 60 other 9 years old instead of my lonesome almost 20 years old self.

I am getting used to always looking at the clock.

I am getting used to always getting things done in time.

I am getting used to new work place environment.

I am getting used to new people.

I am getting used to being out of my social circle.

Teaching is challenging, as I've said before. Every time I go into class, my intention is that my students gets something out of that 60 minutes lesson. That they will be a little courageous to use the language when they feel so. I know how intimidating learning something new can be. Especially a foreign language that gets a lot of backlash due to its origin. I hope they understand that we are here to learn the language, not to adept to its culture by pushing ours' aside like its yesterday's cold rice.

Third week,

I hope I am able to find my footing with this young learners.

I hope for a lot of things from this journey. Insyallah, all shall be well.

Fuel

2011-08-07T08:47:00.000-07:00

This heart, it gives up too easily when it gets scared of something great. But you, you fuel it to pick things up and keep moving. This trust you have in my ability to succeed, makes me feel so competent. It helps me to see the bigger picture and not falter like I always do. I am forever thankful for this courage that you have infused inside on my body and soul. I am thankful for having people that are so supportive of my dreams. I feel so blessed that I get all teary eye thinking about how much love I get from people that I really care about.

I feel good tonight. I feel like I am running further from the person that I don't want to be and towards the person that I want to be in life, all because of you. Every second I put my foot forward, I am always thinking of your words of encouragement telling me not to give up.

I will stop thinking of tomorrow and live today.

PS: I do feel like I have to express my gratitude not just in my prayers, but on the interwebz, because there can never be enough of positive post out here right? :)

oopps

2011-08-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

Right, looks like I should give an explanation for disappearing off like that after I've made a commitment to blog daily about my experience as a trainee teacher. The thing is, there is not much to say but I've been busy and tired.

I am just adapting to this new experience which I had some difficulties in the beginning, but since then, all is well and I am finding my footing in the profession.

I don't have much to think about what to pen down here because I am spending my time preparing myself mentally for each day. One thing I can tell you is this, I do feel like puking every time I enter the threshold of my school and worst, a nervous wreck when I have to enter my classes and stare at 37 little people. I spend most of my time mustering the courage and confidence that I can write on here because it will be an endless rant about how badly things are and can go. Only Allah knows how I rather put all that aside and focus on the good side of things and just calm my tits.

So the next few weeks this blog will be a ghost town, unless I've managed to adapt to things well. Insyallah.

oh another thing, teach is challenging.

internship: Day 1

2011-07-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

Made it through the first day by the skin of my teeth!

What lies I am spurting here.

Last night after I blogged how calm I was and that I was heading to bed for a deep slumber so I can wake up fresh in the morning all energetic for my first day as a teacher. I did just that, laid my head on my pillow and shut my eyes smiling. During that few seconds of total silence and entering a state of unconsciousness, my mind didn't went silent, instead it was shouting and ramblings incoherently about today. So I opened my tired eyes and took my books down to the room downstairs and turned on the air-conditioner in full blast and started reading my classroom management book. After 30 minutes of jotting down useful tips and listing out fun language games I can do with my students later, my mind went "ok,calm yo mothofecking titties*in tina's voice* Irah!*. So I quickly put all my things aside and crashed on the couch around 12.30 am.

Sleep felt like a second even when time had passed for hours....

Woke up with a jolt because my mum barged into the room asking me to get up while at the same time my phone obnoxious alarm went off. From there on it was a blurry motions of showering-praying-packing my books-drinking vico-out the door-into the car-picked up dad from the bus station-dropped me off at school.

The journey took 15 minutes on a clear road from my house to the school. When I arrived, I was all jitters. I'm glad I wasn't the only one though. One of my mate was feeling it too, but it is great that the other one was keeping herself together well. It made me feel better because I swear my mind kept going from rambling to silence every second as we made out way to the office to report ourselves for duty.

It was still dark out and only a few lights were switched on lighting the pathway towards the 1st floor, hence making it feel a little eerie. But thankgod the lights in the office was on, unfortunately it was still locked.Which was good! because it means we were not late.

Met a few teachers in the office who were taking their record book on the receptionist table. They were friendly and right off the bet know we were practical students reporting for duty. I just smiled and said my salam most of the time. Anyway, 90% of my time was spent waiting. Which I really don't mind because the thought of entering class made me want to throw up.

So, I got my schedule sorted by meeting first the headmistress then senior assistant then evening session person in charge then the teachers that I am taking over their classes for the next 14 weeks .

Since,there were difficulties in fitting us in their system, we had to take on an extra subject, which I don't mind since I got art! How cool is that? I am excited for it because I haven't done art in so long and I love art even though I suck at drawing. But I hope I can do interesting and artistic stuff with the kids. Speaking of which, I should research for crafty ideas for my lesson next monday. As for english, I will start this thursday on occupation. Gotta get my lesson plan ready by then.

There are things I feel a little confuse about, but it think I know how it works. It is like when I worked at baskin, you just gotta ask and they will gladly to help you out. Just ask!

Ok,with that, I say today went well.

ALL SHALL BE WELL!

amin.

internship:All shall be well

2011-07-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

As written yesterday,I am doing a daily post pertaining my internship so I can improve my writing and reflect.

I feel calm which is rather bizarre since tomorrow is the big day. Yes, I am dubbing it as the big day and nobody can say otherwise. Tomorrow deserve to be called so because it is a first for me and I really remember my first times more often. I think the reason why I am not as nervous is because I was an emotional wreck yesterday it was nothing short of hilarious if you were to witness my breakdown. But, today I feel better and last night as I was flipping through the latest issue of Frankie magazine sent to me by my loving sister Anne with a popped out card which really charmed my pants off, I came across the section where writers of Frankie give their thoughts on a topic. This issue is "What I'll tell my kid"and I read Marieke Hardy's passage where she listed out a few rules in life her kid must know. One of them is ALL SHALL BE WELL.ALL SHALL BE WELL.ALL SHALL BE WELL.(really,she wrote it a few times)

So,whatever happens tomorrow of the next day and the next day until October, I will chant those words in time of worry to not be so chickenshit in dealing with what life throws at me. Insyallah. I hope for the best for myself and my classmates that are going to brace the teaching profession head first tomorrow. Everyone,don't forget to take in some air before you guys dive in okay?

Okay,time for bed so I can wake up at 5.30 am tomorrow and leave the house by 6.15 am.

More ranting tomorrow night.

its here!!

2011-07-23T10:49:00.000-07:00

I am feeling loads better! Listening to mumford and sons,writing that letter to myself and crying it out really made me feel better. I will start my internship on Monday, I feel strong. I know I will do good.I don't care if that sounds really cocky. I am a cocky cock and I am not sorry about it one single bit. If my words backfired on me in the future, at least I have something new to learn. I am excited actually to meet my students and work with other teachers. I'm sure this comes as no surprise, but I love to work. Sure,I really do need the money but I find real satisfaction in getting a job done and learning something new about myself, the people around me and skills that comes with the title.

My dad asked me what are my expectations from this internship and I didn't really know what to answer him. Honestly? I just want to learn about this profession. I want to be really good at it. I want to love english more. I want to impart good life lessons to those kids. I want to let them discover how wonderful other languages can be when they keep an open mind.

I hope I do good. I can't wait what my life will be for the next 3 months. Kids are wonderful, I know I have expressed how annoying they are, but you should also remember how I've countless time said how amazing they are due to their honest take and positive take in life.

I hope I get to discover more about myself through them for I am already an adult that always seem to get lost by the fine details of life and fail to see the big picture.

Insyallah. Amin.

I thought that I was going to buy a new journal and write about my experience about my journey as a trainee teacher for the next 3 months but why bother making empty promises when I feel much more easier typing it out here. So do you think I should make a daily entry of my experience? oh hell,why not? Best keep it in the open and share my stories where anyone can stumble upon right? I want to be braver when it comes to my writing and sharing it with anyone that wants to read my babbles. Writing is the only way I know how to make things better when times are hard and I know it is not always rainbows and cupcakes.

So,fuck it.bite the bullets and commit Irah!

I heart mumford&sons

2011-07-23T10:17:00.000-07:00

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

I love this band.

A letter to myself

2011-07-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

what would you say if you can write to yourself?

Tonight I feel like only myself can convince me and make things better.

Dear Irah,

First of all, I love you. Please believe in yourself that you are a strong individual that has it in you to take on whatever that life throws your way. That you are not afraid to dream big and know how much you have to work to get what you want in life,even the little things. People might not understand your hardship, but now is not the time to feel sorry for yourself because they don't know your story. This is not the time to play the game "who's life sucks more" because you have enough and that you should be grateful to Allah for what you have. Don't forget that all your body parts are working well, that you have a roof above your head, clothes on your back,food in your stomach,a bed to sleep on and people you care dearly close by. Remember that you are one courageous, honest,smart and beautiful girl. Not to mention real funny too.Nobody can take that away from you unless you let them. okay?Please take care of yourself, chin up,wipe the tears and get ready to face tomorrow better than you did today.

I love you, you crazy sumbetch.

a good read?

2011-07-03T10:22:00.000-07:00

2 nights.619 pages later...

I didn't want it to end.

Which means this is a good book because for the passed 3 months or so I've been trying to get back on my habit of reading but have failed miserably. Currently I have 3 books unfinished and it sorta made me frustrated because I keep buying books that aren't so engaging. Sure, they have been on the top 10 of most-sold-books list or must -read-book list, but I just didn't seem to find the joy of reading them as I would other books.

It all started with that dance dance dance book by haruki murakami. The first book I have not finished and just tossed aside because it was too eccentric and at times boring to stomached. Give it a whirl and see what I mean. Although, hats off to Fara for finishing it. I felt a little guilty for not finishing it, but then I remembered this one article I've read and it was a review on a book about reading. Sort of a reader's right when it comes to reading. One of it is : "It is ok if you don't finish,it's your choice". So that kept me from prolonging my guilt and encouraged me to go on to other books.

Then...I found about Catch-22 and thought I should really read it since it is highly acclaimed by some literary board and Frankie magazine(my only fav magazine). One of the writer talked about books he has not finished and people was shocked that he haven't finished catch-22,saying it is a must read and shit. So, I got really intrigued..naturally. I saw it on the shelves of popular bookstore and bought it on impulse. A FEW PAGES at the book and i saw where the challenge lied...the language. English is not my first language so I find it rather difficult to read old english..maybe not refined or simplified english? You give it a crack and see if what I am saying makes sense.

After that, it was downhill from there. I can only stomach romance novel(both the really erotic type and pg-13 type)and I felt dirty mentally most of the time not because of the explicit content(I like that very much), but it felt like I was feeding junk food day in an out to my brain. I just stopped reading them and haven't picked up a book ever since. I've tried you know, to get back to what I love, which is adventure and magic intertwined together. Thought I would find it in Dianna Wyane Jones's the glass door, but it just didn't make me want to keep on turning the pages. I made it half way but didn't picked it back up ever since.

It is hard to read while classes is commencing because I have so many exam related stuff to read that reading a book for leisure seems to elude me. Le sigh...

Even during this 1 month of break I didn't come across anything interesting to read even though I've been meaning to read again since I have ample time to do so.

But, a few days ago I went to Mel's house and saw The Host by Stephanie Meyer. You heard me right, Stephanie Meyer. I have to say I have a pretty strong perception towards her earlier work (oh you know which one) and they aren't so positive. Best not go into that because I rather not soil this author's credibility with my words. Yes, I've read all her earlier work so I pretty much have a love hate relationship with her writing.

So, when I started reading The Host, I was a little cautious and reluctant to enjoy it. I just want to blast it with rants of why it sucks. But, the joke is on me, I did enjoyed it and loved that it is sci-fi and romance woven into one. You know how I love me some alien love and the end of the world related stuff.

Anyways, as Mel had put it: It is more matured. Yes it is. I wasn't annoyed by it one bit. I love a strong female character. And there wasn't any cheesiness or pent up sexual bits in it. The love story feels genuine and strong with out soaking it with sexual scenes like in Twilight. Seriously, Bella is just one sexually oppressed girl that wants to hump a vampire's brain out as soon as she can.

That aside, I think readers would appreciate The Host because it has the makings of a good book. Sure, it can't be compared to The End of Mr.Y(one of my fav), but its a good read regardless. In my opinion anyways, everyone have different taste. The science fiction junkies would probably look down on it but at the end of the day this is a story about love.

It says so in the beginning:

"To my mother, Candy, who taught me that love is the best part of any story"

And I agree.

I love reading,I love being completely immersed in its words and world. I wonder what I will stumble upon next..:)

1/2 year later

2011-06-30T11:36:00.000-07:00

At last July is here. One more month till internship. 4 more months till I finish university so that means 8 more months till my travelling year begins.

I have not much to say except that band of horses will be my July soundtrack.

I will start work on monday to fill the boredom and beat the insomnia like the boy in cash back.

I am reading stephanie meyer's the host.

I want to reread back Harry Potter and the deathly hollows but my copy of the book is with my sister's friend.

I can't wait for Harry Potter part 2 but sad it will be the last installment of the whole series.

Hope July will just move on quickly because I am getting tired of waiting to kick start the journey of my traveling year and my internship. This soul is getting restless. I am not good with long holidays..that's what I've learnt this passed month. I get too happy being detach from people. It is save to say that I am a happy loner.

the sea+good friends

2011-06-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

This picture depicts it all.

This is my reflection of how my weekend went with a bunch of good friends. When I am near the sea, I just switched off my mind to bask in the sun and salty water. So,there is not much to ramble about. Hence this short entry to sum it all up.

I love how the sand feels when I dug my toes into its grainy texture and sink into its sometimes hard, sometimes fluffy composition and looked out into the sky and water. The sound of the waves crashing against the rocks is always soothing to my ears. I feel like I can sit there for hours and just smile like an idiot listening to its’ rhythmic sound not thinking about anything. Oh and at night, watching the stars glowed and burned dimly for me still excites my childish heart and I feel so blessed even though they came out for only a few flickering moments then hides away behind the dark night. Good friends’ laughter’s echoing in the background made the night alive and I feel right where I belong while the sea breeze whished passed my hair. All I could do was smile. There was no reason to not too. For a while all my troubles seem to escape from my mind and I liked it. Actually, I loved it a lot. Nothing gives me such happiness like being near the sea.

PS: I need to move somewhere near the sea so I can feel this happy everyday I wake up. I can be broke and alone but I will still feel somewhat connected to the world and blessed to be alive.

the breakup song

2011-06-16T14:24:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to stop listening to this lovely lass above. I love her nonchalant attitude towards the cut-throat industry about her looks, her charming cockney accent, her humor, her classiness,that ginger hair, stunning look and oh yeah her booming soul searing voice.

I gave this a thought, if my life were a movie and I am going through a break-up. Then Adele's songs should be the background music to accompany the tears, flashbacks and "I can't look at you right now fucker" looks couple have when the relationship had taken a turn to loathing. Oh and of course the post breakup scene where one would stare mindlessly in a daze getting sucked in my the whirlwind of emotions.

I think it will make my breakup much more theatrical. Yeah sure, I would go nuts listening to all the lyrics, but maybe it will let me purge out the emotions faster instead of not knowing what to do with all of them.No?

Maybe I am wrong, coming from someone that has never gone through a breakup but it is nice to know that I have a tune for a horrible event in my life later in the future. Hey,maybe I'll even laugh about it at that moment.

Okay,I don't even know what I am yapping about.But for now, this is part of my story as sung by Adele.

This is how the story went
I met someone by accident
It blew me away
It blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, you buried them away

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Drop you off at the train station
Put a kiss on top of your head
Watch you wave
Watched you wave

Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
Neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call it home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain, the morning rain
Although I wish that you were here
That same old road that brought you here
Is calling me home, It's calling me home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Hello again :)

2011-06-13T11:58:00.002-07:00

I really need to start writing in my journal again because I am so close to finishing it and you know how I love to buy a new journal. Now you are force to read my ongoing ramblings because for now I am really into sharing rather than being a close of f bitch. Bah,fuck mysterious, I can save that for when I am being courted by a gentleman *bats eye*.

LE GASP *what has gotten into me?*, next thing you know I'll be telling you how much I weight and my deepest darkest secret. Fret not my cherie, I'd have to be seriously high for that to happen. Which never because I am too cool for a spliff and I can be fun even when I am sober.

It is currently 3 am and I couldn't sleep because I literally passed out after eating a slice of my homemade chocolate cake around 5 pm just now. Hmmphh, this really makes me wonder if someone tempered with my cake batter some how. Maybe slip in a lil cannabutter? *LE SHOCK*.Don't worry, I highly doubt I was drugged and really sure was just a little sleep deprived.

Today my sister followed me to campus and one of my classmate was shocked to see the vast difference in our appearance. You know how some sisters just look like two peas in a pod? Well, my sisters and I are really 3 different individuals when it comes to look as well as personality.Anyways, I always get this so this one time I actually tell people that I am adopted. Its fun mind fucking people. They get really mellow with you and get overly sensitive about things. This really makes me sound like an insensitive bitch no? Don't worry, I usually just fest up right after or maybe a few days later because I am not good at putting up a straight face.

In my defense, I just get tired of explaining my family background to people. Its not that complicated, I just don't want to come across as boastful. Besides, at the end of the day I am still muslim and malaysian regardless of my genetic inheritance.

okay,enough ramblings. Time to sahur.

I can do this!

2011-06-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

This is so true don't you agree?

The next few months wouldn't be a breeze for me and I know that. I will be thrown into a new but not unfamiliar environment. This lassie will be a trainee teacher to a bunch of primary school children come July. I was nervous before, but I am done being nervous and worried about what might happen(my stubbornness to focus on the negativity is not admirable at all!) is replace with this new found excitement to educate and play a part that I've been studying and work on for the past 2 years.

It is time to put all the discussions and readings to test.

Figuring out what techniques and strategies will be most effective for those little rascals.

I hope I will be able to be a good teacher, I really do. I want to do my best for that 14 weeks because I don't want to fuck someone's child up along the way.

Found so many inspirational teaching-related blogs on tumblr while I was going through the suggested tumblr section(which is new I think). I have not fully check them all due to my decreasing broadband limit (been online way too much during the holiday), but most of them are actual teachers' blogs, so it is inspirational to read about their experiences.

I am excited now, but scared too. But hey, life is all about doing things that makes you feel afraid right? It is the ones worth doing.

the dream part 1

2011-06-09T12:16:00.001-07:00

I should be quick, the juice on this laptop is dying and I am to lazy to run to the other room to get it. It's been a pretty much mellow holiday. I can't believe I am not going insane staying at home not meeting anyone. To be honest, I am actually really contented that I don't have to meet people because I like time to myself. Feels like I haven't had one of those "me-time" in awhile what with Uni and everything else. Its already June and that means I have roughly around 8 months till a life of new faces,unwashed jeans , part-time jobs, getting lost in a new place, being broke to the point I can't afford food,taking pictures,backpacks, sun, rain, sea, chilly weather, boarding flights,trains, reading maps and all the great as well as bad things associated to travelling.

I've made up my mind, 2012 will be my travelling year. It's about time right?

I thought I should be brave and come out and just say what I want, which is to travel. This heart wants to wonder into places she has only seen in movies and read in books in person. This heart wants to "stand up to live so she can write about life" to quote one of her idol,Yasmin Ahmad.

Since I am really good at giving up because I am too scared to even try, I want to begin my journey here. Which is admitting.

I WANT TO TRAVEL TO AUSTRALIA THEN LATER EUROPE NEXT YEAR DESPITE NOT HAVING ANY MONEY AT ALL TO FUND MY TRAVELLING.

there.
I know it will be hard, so that is why I think through writing about the difficulties and progress,it will keep me motivated, inspired, reminded and determine on what I want.Maybe I can look back and go through my posts and go "woah girl, that all went down and you are still alive and kicking it?the highest of five and self loving moment right about now" during those times of self-doubting and anxiousness.
So I thought it would be neat if I title them under one title only in different parts.People might laugh and snort at my childishness and wishful thinking, but sod it, this is how I roll.Maybe I am crazy to be sharing too much, but I figured writing it out here really put my mind at ease.

"This passed few weeks I've been checking the the visa procedures and read all them through with a heavy sigh at the end of it. There is a lot to be done. Money and documents to be prepared. Forms to be filled. In my head was this voice "Can you do this? this looks difficult", followed by heavier sighs and fidgeting. But one skpe call from the sister, all anxiety and fears were put to rest. The mind is back on track!Insyallah, have faith and dream big!"

so that is what I am going to constantly chant to myself when I feel demotivated, Have faith and dream big!

Until next progress,or thought

stand up

2011-06-06T01:53:00.000-07:00

it is safe to say that I am out of my funk. I feel 100th time better than I did last week. Thanks to those people that had made me looked at things in a different light, you might not know who you are, but Thanks anyways.

I know now that it is how you react to things that matter,screw everyone else. It is my choice to be who I choose to be even if its not what other people deem as cool or fitting, I really don't care. I want to wear my hijab today but not tomorrow, it is my choice. Nobody has a say in what I should wear or look.If I want to say a certain movie franchise as overrated than so be it!

so thank you for inspiring me instead of making me feel like I should shut up,sit down and keep everything to myself.

I say, grab a microphone, tell it all to the judgmental pretentious fucks a piece of my mind and laugh. my laugh is infectious dearies so shut up and listen up.

a toast to self-esteem!

endless worries

2011-06-04T03:25:00.000-07:00

If one can put all the worries in a box, duct tape it twice at the opening and throw it out into the sea. One would have done it immediately. But maybe it serve as a language understanding of what one feels. then maybe just then, one can move instead of being weigh down by the boxes of worries one carries around this week.

When dreams seem difficult to obtain. One feels a little helpless and discontent.

why does one worry too much?

one is just scared of fucking up again because this time, one is doing it all alone.

holiday blues

2011-06-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

days join together into one never ending day. that is what a long holiday feels like. especially when you are waiting for your life to be over. you can't do anything but lie there on bed and stare at the ceiling thinking of everything and nothing all at once. you start to pick a fight with yourself. getting angry about the could have been, the should have been and the had been while your body remain stationary through the shouting, persuading and cooing. at the end of if, both your mind and body feels like they just went through some sort of a battle but with no scars to prove but just silence and far-away eyes. nothing make sense.

Maybe I have foreseen days like this..maybe I am encouraging it..then maybe I need to let it out of my system.

holiday blues,
you come here with your smiles,
thinking you can coax me into your madness.

I say well,
you can have me today,
just not tomorrow.

Irah

another one

2011-05-26T09:53:00.000-07:00

i hope this song isn't offensive to the deceased.

Today one of my classmate passed away due to cancer. At a ripe age of 19, she left this evening to be with her maker. This is the second person I've known in my life,where their life were cut short due to cancer and this song came to my mind because I was listening to it the first time around and i think now i've associated the song to the disease personally.

I didn't get to know her as well as my other classmates, but she was my classmate regardless. spent a year plus being in the same classroom with her acquiring knowledge like sponges and now she's gone.

what i've learnt is that death usually leaves an emptiness somewhere. like a seat in the exam hall, where every other seat is taken and you can see only that one seat is vacant and you wait and wait for the person to come but they never do.

She was someone dear to one of my good friends at university. To have lost someone you love is never an easy thing to accept and adjust too. I hope he would stay strong and keep the good memories they had in his heart wherever he goes. also to be fueled by her lightness to keep going.

I know I have never been good with death, i feel at lost for words most of the time, but my thoughts and prayers goes to her and her family. I hope she rests in peace. amin.

Almost Goodbye

2011-05-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have been dreaming big this passed few months, that it is starting to scare me. Like our friendly neighborhood spiderman said "with big dreams, come big responsibilities" ,something like that. This is a feeling I haven't experience since that breezy sunday morning with my sister talking about my hopes and dreams. I share them with very few people because I see them as something so precious that I have the need to handle it with great care and hide it from people. You can either call me paranoid or responsible. I personally would say it is the former.

My time in MSU is almost up. I can't wait to close this chapter of my life and begin a new one. I've never thought I would be planning my life a year ahead instead of just going with the flow like I've always do. Guess I am growing up.

As this yearning grows bigger for a life of travelling and discovering, I do feel a heartache leaving a group that I have had the opportunity to befriend for the last 2 years. It has been swell getting to know these people. I didn't plan to share so much laughter, secrets and even tears with them, but I did. that is the truth of it all. I did all those things in a span on 2 years, which is something sort of extraordinary, because you know what a close off bitch I can be to people outside of my circle. I think that is it; they have taught me how to be more accepting of others and I am forever grateful for that.

That being said, it is no surprise that I will miss them a lot. I know it is not over yet, but everyone has been posting sappy words of gratefulness and goodbye that I can't help getting caught up in the emotions too. I'll write a proper post about bidding everybody goodbye once it is all over. However, be warn that the next few weeks I will probably enter a state of nostalgia and I will be post many almost goodbye.
One wouldn't do them justice, would it?

PS: i know spiderman didn't say that ok.
PSS: I am so scared it all will blow up in my face. so scared, but guess i have to risk it to get the biscuit! go big or go home right? As usual, i can think of bajillion reasons how it can go wrong, but i know the solutions are there too. i just need to work hard, be patience and soldier through. insyallah it will go as I hope it would. pray for me please.

Little Lion Man

2011-05-17T11:46:00.000-07:00

Weep for yourself, my man
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rape yourself
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?

Tremble for yourself, my man
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble little lion man
You'll never settle any of your score
Your grace is wasted in your face
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Learn from your mother
Or else spend your days biting your own neck

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?

we are one at the end of the day. A bunch of little lion men.

Only mumford and sons has the words because I can't seem to come up with them.I really hope I get to meet them one day and tell them how much their music makes me feel like there is a silver lining in the darkest days of my life and how much it has inspired me to love writing more and fueled my passion for it.

hairy situation

2011-05-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

i should start by saying the dinner was great, it made me felt like i was hanging with a bunch of friends and not just classmates. But the road to reach that feeling was a tad rocky. maybe that was an understatement. it was hell. but hey, why dwell on the bad shit in life when you can always reminisce on the good stuff? i take what i can get because not everyday is a good day. I am grateful, that is all.

so, aside from that, I have two weeks of lectures to go and I am done. However, this is not a time to throw your fist up in the sky feeling victorious because that can only mean one thing and one thing only, internship. 1 month to go and i am feeling oh so adequate day by day, which is just great!

even with this in mind, i am still not going to run away crying because I know it is just anxiety and fear talking. so best keep all the negativity in box, tie it to helium fill balloon and let it the fuck go. this is all old news so lets just put that aside bring up the topic of hair.

oh you know how much i love to fuck up my hair. i went into facebook a few weeks ago and saw my fringe up-do and was proud of myself for donning it like a boss. fuck people that says if you don't suit a style because you are not what is deem normal size or look by the media and society. do it anyways! granted i looked like a coconut, but fuck it, it was badass and i loved it. so, i thought it has been too long since i play(fuck) with my hair. i wanted to do the undercut but HATE the fact that i have to pay someone to shave some of my hair off. you see, my rule of thumb with hair is; don't trust hairdressers with your hair.

i've been screwed by them so many times. don't get me started!

yeah sure, it could end up looking fugly. but it is hair, it will grow back. so, i went ahead and did the dip-dyed style. i wanted badly to do some other colour besides red because i have done it so many times but thinking of how well off pissed my parents would be, i went safe and use red.

the result was satisfying and appealing. although, depending on what you think is cool, then you might think i look like part lunatic otherwise it looks awesome.

well, at the end of the day the most important thing you should remember is that i love it,so i dont give a rat's ass about what you think *insert innocent smile*.

okay,that is all for now. i think i am starting to sound angry..

of writer's block perhaps?

2011-05-13T10:45:00.000-07:00

i am having sort of writer's block right now. so much has happened in the passed two weeks and I am not writing about it. will there be a dangerous side effect? probably, but right now i just want to stay quiet because i don't want to cry, shout or even smile and laugh.

the I in Island

2011-05-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

sedih bila kau buat benda camtuh.

see how sad I am that I could only expressed it in bahasa. this never happens. I wish I could talk to you, but theres a hole between us. Someone is digging it day by day and it is getting bigger that as much as I try to shovel back the earth into the hole it never closes up because someone down there is shoveling it out at twice the speed.

My arms have gotten tired to the point my mind asking "what is the point?", so i put down the shovel and left you there making an island for yourself and the hole digger.

our swords

2011-04-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

"Out on the wall sounds of banging is constant coming from your head
And desperate the calls came and ringing from those wanna wring your neck
Wring your neck"

It was one of those evenings where it would be shinning too damn brightly that you can feel the UV rays penetrating through your skin and gnawing at your flesh like an invisible microorganism. well did you remember that day? I did. I remembered it clearly.

We were just walking idly on the pavement when fat drops of rain fell on our head and in just seconds it started pouring. It was like god just accidently dropped a cup of water on us and went "Opps, sorry about that humans". We made a mad dash to the nearest building to take shelter from the heavy rain. To my excitement I've pulled you towards the cinema. It was vacant but only a few old people in their shorts and sandals with socks on. Not to mention the tacky holiday shirts, where are we? Hawaii??

You mentioned something about how horrible the weather has been lately while shaking the water off your hair like cats always do after a bath to their fur. That made me laughed because the water went on the passersby with the bowl cut and he gave us a very irritated look.

Just to passed the time we bought tickets to watch some movie we've never heard off. So this story was about a couple of teenagers running around L.A looking for a band call Fluffy. Sounds cool? well, the truth of it all it was another love story but less comedic and more realistic. Which is always good for me. Not to mention the excellent soundtrack.It was either that or a badly remake of something that was already awful in the first place.

However, knowing how you can only stand gory and science fiction when it comes to the big screen. You had already fallen asleep with your head on my shoulder 10 minutes into the movie after finishing the popcorn that was meant to be shared. But you knew how I don't even like popcorn that much so I saw that one coming.

When the movie was almost ends, I don't know why I started sobbing quietly. The slight tremors that occurs when you're crying woke you up. You looked startled and asked me whats wrong and I started blubbering like an idiot and you just laughed, gave me hugged and called me a romantic wuss. Then wiped my tears and told me this would never happen if we were watching star-trek. Which resulted to me hitting you on the head and saying strings of obscenity. Used to my quick tongue you just laughed.

When the movie ended we went outside and were very delighted to find that the rain has also stopped. Your hand-phone rang and you looked at the screen and instantly looked somber. Reluctantly, you picked up anyway. I knew who was that. It's her. Fresh out of her hangover and infidelity. I heard sobbing and pleading on the other end and five seconds later there she was in the flesh inside the silver Nissan by the pavement. You looked shocked and said to the receiver "Stay there,i'm coming" and turned to me "I'm sorry but I have to handle this" looking at me rather apologetically.

"It's okay, go. I rather not her make scene right here" .He clasped my head and said "You're the best. Drive home safely ok."

I just smiled meekly and said "You know I always do".

Then watched you got into the car and drove away into the evening, disappearing from my sight.

Do you know why I cried like an idiot just now? It hit me and I couldn't contained it. I am Norah. You're Nick. I can't believe I'm in love with an idiot.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Needed to get it all out there. This is entirely fictional and has no relation to people alive or dead. But it was inspired from someone alive. You know I wouldn't make it easy for you to understand how I feel by just a simple lyric or a sentence. It has to be a long winded story to let you decipher the puzzle of my heart and mind.

Yes, I'm really complicated. But if you know the movie. Then you can easily understand what this story means.

Enjoy? hopefully.

give me more tea to calm this nerves

2011-04-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

i've been downing countless cups of tea today. Rose is the best because you get that whiff of rose and feel instantly calmer. the loveliness of tea just makes me oh so jolly. can i write a poem about it? oh dearie,you better brace yourself before I burst into rhymes about this caramel coloured liquid. I wish someone would go to Ceylon again and buy me more boxes of flavoured tea. I can't get enough of them.

PS: they are best serve with cream crackers. dunk it and let the sogginess invades your mouth with such delight.

May is fast approaching and I am getting all jittery thinking about my internship.There are just to many things going through my mind right now. I need to brush up on my grammar. This lass needs to crack open the grammar book and get schooled fast. I know i can do it! come July, I'll be a grammar nazi that will irritate the hell out of people.

May will be a busy month for me. Will have to organize a farewell dinner, conduct my individual microteaching, draw that layout of my ideal classroom and get my folio done for testing and evaluation in one week. I think this is why I am having a lovely headache and downing cups of tea. I am readying myself for a very busy month ahead. Need to stack up on the fuel. Very english of me aye?

Ah well, this will keep me busy from thinking of when it will all be over. Time will fly and before I know it, i will feel the certificate on my hand and continue my life on a different road.

However, this year is proving to be a good year for the music geek that I am but a bad year for the broke ass student that I am. Right, need to get a job between all this chaos. Too many good bands stopping over and I'd be damn if I miss them.

I CAN DO THIS!!

okay, the pulsing in my head is getting quicker. Need to shut down and get an early start. Insyallah everything will work out. Yallah,please give me the strength to pursue each of my work with diligence! Amin.

the mess

2011-04-24T06:02:00.000-07:00

leaving isn't quite the same, he said to me,

as running away

if you're scared or tired of what you're scared of

well, why should you stay?

he loved to say goodbye

and always counted out the time

until he was free, to get up and leave

to learn how to breath

again

slipping out to have a cigarette with someone else that he'd never met

ask her if by the way would she like to run away

and try to forget?

or just not to stay, to leave without saying why

to get up and go

to catch the last train

to get in some car

and drive out again

to never come back this way....

and have to say....

goodbye
---------------------
turn all the he into a she.

need to sort of the mess. the mess in my head. the mess in my closet. the mess in your life.

Another night,another nightmare.

2011-04-16T01:37:00.000-07:00

I saw you in my dreams again last night. You gave me another warm feathery kisses across the cheek gently as if doing so might scare me away. Oh the contrary I was pleased like a child getting the toy she has been harboring over for quiet some time. I don't understand why you keep coming to me in my dreams, but I rather not dwell on them too much. Maybe my subconscious mind is giving me a subtle hint of what I feel and how I should react to them. However, I refuse to act upon this hormonal needs for I now what reality have in store for me. These dreams, they are just wishful thinking mixed in with estrogens and bit of too much television.

Delighted as I am to be dreaming about your smile and kisses, I have been dreaming about my sister too. In my dreams, she always came home for the weekend all the way from Australia. The setting will always be a big dinner party with the whole brood, and I can't seem to ever have the time to speak to you alone because everyone else wants you to themselves too.

Although, last night's dream was an improvement. We laughed, ate and smiled a lot. Just like we used too. I can't believe I wouldn't be seeing your godawful pretty face until December.A whole year not hugging you.A whole year not fighting with you. A whole year not calling you names. A whole year not getting angry at you. A whole year not crying in your arms. A whole goddamn year not seeing you cry and give my shoulder to lean on.

I feel myself, changing with you not around. I have yet to learn if those changes are good or bad.

Insyallah they are for the better.

show me the manual

2011-04-12T05:35:00.001-07:00

here we are again.

I need to make a decision of the next turn in my life. This time, I do know what I want. But they don't seem to see the importance of my choice because time is of the essence. yeah, i get that. that is why i need to do what I want to do to prevent myself from making the wrong decision and waste more time. I just need time, distance and space to figure it out thoroughly.

I need to spent the last of my teenage year doing what I've always wanted as a child. I don't want to let that kid down by running towards being a full-blown adult just yet. I need to still find my footing on what kind of an adult or heck maybe just a person as I enter a new phase of life.

It must seem silly for them to understand this, but I need to explore for a bit on my own. Maybe i can find the answers there. I am always searching, not for myself , but for parts that I can assimilate and create myself. I am truly a firm believer that one is shape by experience. I need a new environment to experience damn it!

let me have this please. Yallah please let they see my reasoning and comprehend it with open heart.I want their blessings.

Insyallah everything will work out well. I just need to keep positive and look at my goal dead in the eye and say "This is what I want!"

The universe will fall through for me.I just know it!

show me the manual

2011-04-12T05:35:00.000-07:00

here we are again.

It must seem silly for them to understand this, but I need to explore for a bit on my own. Maybe i can find the answers there. I am always searching, not for myself , but for parts that I can assimilate and create myself. I am truly a firm believer that one is shape my experience. I need a new environment to experience damn it!

let me have this please. Yallah please let they see my reasoning and comprehend it with open heart.I want their blessings.

April shines through

2011-04-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

"The sun was warm but the wind was chill.
You know how it is with an April day.
When the sun is out and the wind is still,
You're one month on in the middle of May.
But if you so much as dare to speak,
a cloud come over the sunlit arch,
And wind comes off a frozen peak,
And you're two months back in the middle of March."
- Robert Frost, Two Tramps in Mud Time, 1926

We are already fast approaching the first half of the year in an blink of an eye. I really can't believe that it is already April! That'll bring me to certain milestones in my year so far. First, it will be 2 months since my sis went to the land of down under and eight months till i see her prudy face again. This also means that I am this much( ) close to being a trainee teacher in some suburban primary school.
How daunting is that? pretty much what I am force to think about every bloody day. This also marks the fourth months since I succumb to peer pressure and social habits that is becoming the youth of our nation(I'll let you speculate which one is it because I rather not say it on here).Don't need anymore heat since the days(and nights) have been way too humid that I feel most of my days are spent fighting the UV rays to get going about my work.
However, I think being a Malaysian, it is something that one gets use to easily.This is a country where the humidity can fry an egg on the side walk(i've never tried, but very sure that it is possible)and still see people be wearing layers of clothing. Just amazing eh? those mat salleh I've always see on the monorail with their shorts and light-weight tops looks absolutely suffocated in the Malaysian weather while i stand there in my hijab and 2 layers of articles and feeling easy-breezy pumpkin breezy.Don't i sound like a cocky bitch right about now? deal with it.
Besides dealing with the scorching sun (i really blame global warming), my last studying semester has commenced just a week ago and I am totally buried with things to do. Can't believe it has been 2 years since I've started on this journey towards building a better future for me and the people I love.
Tired as I am with the multitude of projects on the coming months, I am pretty much stoked to be doing a farewell dinner for my class. We have gone through so much together. My class is nothing short of amazing. We are loud and silly to always reminding you to not take life so seriously because once you get out of high school. You tend to forget the simplicity of what life was before you try so hard to make the best of yourself in this dog-it-dog world.
Aside from all this, I really miss my sister and I can't wait to travel. Fuck what people say, i need to see the world beyond this South Eastern shore line.Taking a year off wouldn't kill me. Not taking a year off would probably be the death of me. so, next year if the world does end, I better be leaving a really good one.

Jibber Jabber

2011-03-21T03:46:00.000-07:00

I was going to tell you about how my day was but you’re not my boyfriend so I’ll save you from being bored to death or maybe just confuse with the antics of the people I’ve voluntarily decided to call friends. They can be a handful, but you will get use to them once you give them a chance.

So then I thought, why not talk about spending Thursday night consoling an eleven year old that it is ok to be different? That’s a good topic. I’m all about celebrating uniqueness! However, I don’t feel like getting all roil up and end up sounding all preachy at 4 o’clock in the morning.

I then did want to tell you about the narrow mindedness of a human being that I call a friend towards the people I love. I know now that some people can never get past the stereotype. But you are not my shrink so I should just zip it. Then what you ask? What can we talk about if it’s not my day, my friends and my worries?

Lets just put on a thinking hat and come up with something interesting to say. Or better yet! Do the noodle dance! You do know what is a noodle dance don't you? It is where you shut your eyes and start shaking what your momma gave you and think of noble ideas to solve a problem.

That brought me back to being 10 and a couch potato. I’m still am, but for only a period of time. That is during the holidays and when my brother isn’t hogging up the television to himself. Which I must say, what he does most of them time. You know, when I was younger my primary school teacher always asked us to manage our time properly for homework and watching cartoons. She said we need to cut down our tv time to 2 hours a day. I started calculating of the time I spent in front of a box and frown. Not because I was spending way too much time on watching tv, but because it was impossible to cut down to only 2 hours a day. Just thinking of all the cartoons I’ll be missing gave me a headache. I thought she was utterly crazy for saying that. Really, I did.

If she could see me now, I can go days without watching the tv!
Although,lately I've been indulging on tv more than i should on tv series instead of cartoons. one can never get enough of criminal minds! to me, it is a daily reminder of how fuck up the world is and it's okay to feel paranoid sometimes.

Anywho, i think i've yapped on more than i should. hope you're not falling off your chair reading this post. As for me, i will finally be spending the week free of assignments and projects since november.

ain't that nice?

(is it me, or do i always end my blog post with a question?)

oh we meet again

2011-03-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

Mr. Holiday i awaits your arrival with peachy cheeks and a beaming smile. I've got my shoes on and clothes set for our one week adventure.

will i sing again?

2011-03-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

Kate wasn't in to moderation

Thats what led to her frustration

And the state of her crumbling heart

Says I'm not a girl for temperance

Though I know its at my hearts expense

But a downward spiral has to have a rock bottom

She paints the walls blue and green

Singing about her lovers and dreams

And explains her helpless desperation

Take off your shoes

Unravel your blues

This place is full of beggars and choosers

But the consequence of her liberty was bad

My hearts wants to go one way

My mind don't agree

Cause they,

They have fallen out recently

Know thy self

She said as she guided me round the land of the dead

Introducing her friends stuck in the same mess

Ships might be built for sailing my love

And easels made for painting

But you ain't no sailor and I'll never be camera shy

My hearts wants to go one way

My mind don't agree

Cause they,

They have fallen out recently

She said

Will I praise again?

Oh will I praise again?

- Mumford&Sons

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

will i sing again?

will this voice calls out again?

why wouldn't it?

why wouldn't you try?

well, i wasn't any good in the first place.

only she made it sound better for the both of us.

now that she is here no more,

i can't seem to sing again.

not if it's her.

only her.

one day, we'll meet and I want you to say that you are sorry for making me wait so long.

mumford&sons

2011-03-13T10:08:00.000-07:00

I love that i didn't stumbled upon them but had the sudden urged to finally give them a listen after reading their name here and there on the net and of course, Frankie Magazine. But you know me, when it comes to music, I have to not plan or sought out, but discover. I somehow feel more connected to it when it is able to depict things I am unable express. Especially through music (you know i can't sing to save my life). So when i saw them performed on the Grammy, I was just amazed at their enthusiasm in playing music. They were at it with their foot-thumping and head-banging(yeah,who would have thought you can head bang to folk music *i certainly didn't*) antics all the while smiling at each other cheekily, just made me smiled. I was sold right there and then.

Astonishingly, I've found that their songs, aren't just songs. they are poetry that i wished to delve into like it is something out of my english literature book. I find them so honest, so i like a little honesty in my life right now. Not to mention that they're a bunch of romantics when it comes to life. their outlook on the world transcend in their music. Just nothing short off wonderful really.
Oh,it helps that they have that alluring brit?scottish? accent. everything just sounds better in a british accent really.

Before i turn all fan-girlie on you, i best end my ramblings here.

Hope, it'll be a better week devoid of heartaches, tears, rage and of course,natural disaster.Japan, you'll make it through. If you can rise from the aftermath of Hiroshima, this is nothing. Your determination will always be the talk of generations.

knockknock

2011-03-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

hey, i've been coming here and pondering if i should write my thoughts down and hit that publish button and feel for a moment that my words might actually meant something to someone. i have issues i know. i also know ive let some people down by saying my goodbye a few weeks ago. *shout out to Miss Cho for have always been giving great support in my ongoing rambling here*

truth is, i miss writing here. ive been making progress with my journal. when i say progress, it means writing my ramblings unedited on smooth cream coloured pages and feel like ive achieved some sort of goal.

you see, its the only way for me to remind myself of my dream. wish is to able to write better than the day before. Also to be able to let out the multitude of inner conflicts that seems to never go away by just talking to someone. writing helps me reflect and discover things ive never even thought off.

its nice.

it makes whatever im facing today seems easier because i just keep on looking to the future i want for myself and it keeps me calm because i have something that i want badly. maybe it will ruin me, because we all know that desire means despair.

oh,the contrary(philosopher that said that,whom i can't for the life of me recall right now and too pump out in writing here to be googling on another tab),

it is a promise i've kept to someone i love and i don't have the intention to let down someone that is so near and dear to me. i will try my best. besides, it has always been my dream to wonder somewhere new. I'm just thirsty for an adventure and better understanding of each other as well as having the opportunity to polish my english language skill.

hopefully, it'll work out. hopefully the adults understand why i have to take a break. i just don't want to go with the flow anymore because the flow isn't bringing me to places i want to go.

i've decided to stay abroad (Australia) for a period of time before continuing my degree. yes, ill probably waste more than half a year but i don't want to rush into anything unless i am positive about my choice. insyallah i will be able to satisfy my inner gypsy.even if it's for a shorter period than i've planned.i know now that, there is nothing wrong with dreaming big.

you'd think with all my big talk, i'm not afraid. well kids, ive always been afraid to dream. this is a first for me.

bye.

2011-02-20T06:49:00.000-08:00

it seems sort of unrealistic.

did i ever tell you about the many nights i woke up with a startled, finding salty liquid running down my cheeks due to the dream of being left behind? well, this time it felt like those countless nightmares seemed to becoming true. maybe my fear is to be forgotten, or maybe it was to not being that significant in anyone's life that i was easily replace and forgotten.

yes.

i think that is my fear even thought i am self professed loner that feels comfortable just being.kinda ironic dont you think? its not a lover that i seek...its so much more. i dont think right now i am satisfied by just having someone to hold, but i feel like i need more.

do you think im just tired of the same bullshit?

probably.

the problem here is easy,i dont know what i want.

even when i do, theres so much obstacles in the way that i felt forced to give up on it and now i dont know what i want anymore.

sad really, to be going in circles like an idiot because nothing inspires me anymore.

but today, today i know what i want but i have to go through many things before i get there. at first i felt like a new born having such wonder about the world, but when night fell things sort of took a turn into something bleak and hopeless. am i that weak? guess i am.

i dont write as often as i want too. i rather not speak either.i want to quietly pick up my bags and leave without a trace.im sorry but i need to think without these voices influencing my decisions. i think this will be my last post. i cant write freely anymore. i thought when i was able to write easily here that i was getting better but instead all ive been doing was restricting my thoughts.

i owe whoever reads this blog this explanation. the ones i know and dont, thanks for reading my ramblings. sorry if it sometimes feel incoherent babbles like right now.

thanks and dont worry, im ok.trust me :)

details in the fabric

2011-02-15T07:35:00.000-08:00

If it's a broken part, replace it

But, if it's a broken arm then brace it

If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
Mmmhmm

i am proud of myself for the friends ive made because they are all distinct individuals that never cease to amaze me and i am thankful to be surrounded by minds that ; does not judge or scrutinize my actions, there for me when i need a shoulder to cry on, there for me when my world comes crashing down, there for me when i need a little cheering up, there for me when i need to do something stupid, i thought i wouldnt be able to consider anyone but these set of friends as friends but 2 years has passed and now i see that there is room for more people to join in the party.

this week has made me realized how kind people can be. that their intentions are always good and i am thankful for their constant support to keep being myself.

Sadly,with this revelation, a friendship ive been building for years seem to be dwindling down to ashes.

i know now that people can be so blinded by their own needs and the years you've known them doesnt count in trying to understand such behaviour.

lets play the blame game

2011-02-06T10:00:00.000-08:00

i think im getting lazier to blog on here because I've recently rediscovered tumblr again for the 3rd time and have been on that more just re-blogging pictures and quotes that depicts my day. you should check it out at threadovermouth for daily dosages of what really inspires me if you are interested. if not, just click on there anyways and check out my rad theme(I REALLY THINK IT IS ,SO DEAL WITH IT) and beautiful,moving,artistic pictures i wished i took.

hence, i am partly blaming tumblr for sidetracking me from here. there is a lot of pointing fingers lately and i ought to be ashamed of myself for being the supporter of such action. but i couldn't help it when i feel like i am being sadly mistreated.

at the end of this, i wonder who will come out and say "it's my fault lets just forget this".

those words probably wouldn't come from my lips because i can't let go of the things unsaid and done. this shouln't come as a surprise to you since i am firstly a girl and secondly a scorpio.

ohgossh,there i go again blaming my zodiac sign and my gender for being so vengeful.

darn it! now i am really wondering about the mess i am in. the endless jabber in my head has resulted to me having reoccurring dream about some psycho killer out to kill my friends and i. so, now i sleeping with the night light just so i can sleep easily.

maybe I ought to get this mess sorted soon so i can save the environment and save the polar bears through using less electricity that my froggie ikea night lamp produces.

February is starting off just well as you can see.

old town charm

2011-01-30T12:58:00.000-08:00

we are playing hide&seek even though we are all above 20(well,i will be in november while 11 for bro). hence, the reason why we are running like kids at 11 in the morning.oh the things we do for family.

love her shirt to bits
yah,my opah has a thing for lace&floral stuff
I went back to visit my opah and atok during the weekends. oh i love this small town charm, it never cease to amaze me how different it is from where i live. no bustling cars which means no air pollution and also having the freedom to ride bicycles wherever you go.

i was envious at the people riding their bikes to shops and all over the place steadily on the main road. there were no impatient cars or lorries stand intimidatingly nearby like over here.

sometimes i wish i can just pack up and leave the city to have a quieter life in some small town with lots of old architecture surrounding me. oh!and preferably a walking distance to a beach.

if only.....

so,with this wishful thinking, i'll leave you some pictures taken during my time there.

100mph

2011-01-25T07:55:00.000-08:00

the year has only just begun i am wishing for it to end quickly. why is that? am i that eager to reach 2012 where psychics have predicted to be the end of us? certainly not! im just scared to face this year because i know it will bring many obstacles that will surely test my emotional strength.

when last year's scars aren't even fully heal and life seem to be putting me in the ringer where the crowd is cheering for my opponent's name and my defeat. life taking the part of the referee shouting at me whether im ready or not. my head is saying "hell no!" but my body stood up in a stance that says "bring it".

you see what i mean? ive painted you a clear picture because my mind is not at ease and its going 100 mph about all sort of things that at some point it crashes and everything goes white then waking up to start over again.

i am tired of starting over again.

wouldnt you?

her

2011-01-23T06:47:00.000-08:00

she came knocking on my door late one January evening, it just started raining cats and dogs suddenly when that very afternoon the sun was out high and mighty in the sky shinning blindingly into my eyes. i muttered to myself how humid it was and wished it away like a hag cursing at everything that is beautiful and joyful. i know now why...

she came quietly with a few light knocks on the door and look me straight into the eyes with pity. what can i do but to look away instantly and let her in. she question me on so many things that i end up bawling every time i try to speak. she just gave me a deep sigh and said

"you know i'll be back some day, don't blame this on me"

"then who?"

"you know who"

"but ive tried! they didnt"

"doesn't matter what they did, this is about you"

"but....."

i was lost for words because it got stuck in my throat when the sadness hit me like a blow to the chest and all i could do was crawl into a ball and hold my chest tightly to stop the shaking. right there and then all i wanted to do was pack up all my books and leave.

"so,that is your solution?to run?again?"

"its the only way"

"is it now?"

with shaking hands she packs up all her favourite books and journal into a bag pack and left before they come back and cooed her into staying.

ive tried

2011-01-15T11:51:00.000-08:00

yesterday i was up til 4 am trying to give this blog a face lift. when i've finally figured out how to put the layout codes, i then did not know how to use the blog with that design.what a shame i tell ya. the design was so lovely and what i've wanted for my blog.

since i've vowed to write more this year. i felt that a new look would really motivate me to feel more inspired. maybe ill make another blog to test out that design and figure out how it works.

for now this will be where my thoughts chirps.

hows your 2011 going so far?

mine kicked off with examinations so basically my year is starting off how i've predicted it to be. Im looking forwards for the many sleepless nights, endless reading, planning, rendezvous with my friends and also being so far away from my sister Anne.

she will be leaving soon and i am so proud of her achievements. to all the boys out there,if you feel incompetent next to her astounding beauty and brain then shine your shoes and make yourself a fine lad because she dont deserve less than who she is.both my sisters. love them to bits even when we fight like cats and dogs.its what makes us closer than ever.

so this year i know so many things will change.

i'll be a teacher in a couple of months. look how time just flew right by you and sneak up on you cunningly. if feels like that time in a mentoring meeting and i got call to the front to give a speech about my previous mentor that i barely know. i winged it of course,and start whizzing out my words and then walked out of the class after i was done. not one of my best moments.

in a nutshell,thats what my internship feels like right now.

so what happens after that?

oh,thats the question i wished would appear itself eventually. but eventually will come and go.so now i really have to take matter in my own hand dont i.

so what is it going to be Irah?

The Wall

2011-01-14T09:33:00.000-08:00

there is a wall between us and i am too tired to try and break it down with my fist or any kind of heavy machinery. what am I to do but wonder about how we got here? dont you? probably not.

"Too oft is a smile

But the hypocrite's wile,

To mask detestation, or fear;

Give me the soft sigh,

Whilst the soultelling eye

Is dimm'd, for a time, with a Tear:"-Lord Byron

oh dear you got me reciting sad poetry at 2 in the morning.guess that is not the worst of things that you've got me doing.

A note to self

2011-01-08T09:25:00.000-08:00

Every generation has a limit to what it believes can be real. At one point we thought the world was flat, that it was impossible to fly or that putting a man on the moon was impossible.
The same thing can be said about how other people perceive you when you have a vision or a dream.
Not everyone will see it. Many will doubt it. In the beginning almost none will help make it happen.
But the magic lies in this: KNOWING, AFFIRMING and BELIEVING that your inner world creates your outer world. The thoughts and vision you are thinking about creating the life of your dreams, are the blueprints of your eventual success.
When you are inspired, don’t seek the approval of other people before you begin taking action. Just take action and produce results. You will learn from the action you take and if you take consistent and daily action eventually you will begin to show positive results.
When you show positive results, instead of other people saying, “Ah, that impossible”, they’ll start to ask you, “How’d you do that?”

- Mastin Kipp, The Daily Love, Daily Email - Nov. 5th, 2010

i'm not okay(i promise)

2011-01-06T08:53:00.000-08:00

hey,

i'm not okay...(i promise)

tonight i am feeling quiet hopeless as a result to the desire of wanting to go to many of the upcoming shows that will be play on my shore along the year, but the lack of money to attend them because i have to think 100 times before forking in the dough and get my tickets.

yes,there is the option of a part time job but oh dreary ive tried that before remember? didnt work out too well in a long shot. grades were down, body was tired and the mind was drain out zombified!

so, i am not okay and i promise.

it has been awhile since ive listen to this song but seven years has passed and they still hold a place in my heart.

here's to another 7 more.

back to basics

2011-01-05T04:37:00.000-08:00

lately,ive been writing more on my journal than here for some odd reason. a few months ago i was taping away on the keyboard like it is the most natural thing ever. i even boast about it and posted it on one of my blog entry.

then came december, the mojo whithered...i think it was because i felt somewhat overwhelmed by many things that were happing around me and i quietly retreated into a hole. i tend to to that when i need time and space to recollect my thoughts and keep myself sane. now i had that prickly feeling again as if some one is watching me and i feel self-conscious to write my thoughts here.

maybe admitting this will help me to overcome my fear.

hey,the first step in dealing with such turmoil is accepting that you have a problem in the first place right?

besides, it feels really organic to be holding a pen and scribble away about anything and everything without censoring out a single thing or think about what others will feel or say about what i write. it is really liberating!

hence,this year ive taken account to write more freely and just explore the many depth of thoughts i can surmise into words.

That is one of my resolution i guess..:)

bye 2010 :(

2011-01-01T22:46:00.000-08:00

i know im 2 days late and should have wrote this blog entry about 2010 2days ago but now that it has already passed the true feeling emerge. so,thats why its better for me to write later so i can determine how i felt about 2010.

well,truth be told kids...it was a good year for me. it wasnt entirely mind blowing but i did a lot of growing up last year. im a very private person... i know it irks some people that i dont open up to them as much as i should and can..it is just that i feel awkward sometimes being myself to new people because i wonder what their thoughts on my character are since it is weird,quirky and rude. thats the thing i wonder about most of the time and I just dont want to deal with it. I rather go about my day not knowing because I dont want my train of thoughts to be smudge by other people's thoughts.

yes i strive for individuality. you should know by now if you've been reading my entries :)

despite this,i think i've managed to make a few new friends along the way. personally,i think we will remain good friends for years to come. we have our differences but i know i befriend people that value friendship a lot. so i am very thankful,to have met these people. aside from that, last year was also about love. the one thing i learnt is that love is different for everyone so we should stop trying to define it for other people.

i've wrote what i hope 2011 will bring me and the events that has happened counting down to this year on my journal..insyallah i will share it here soon.

HAPPY 2011 EVERYONE!!

retracing thy footsteps

2010-12-28T20:09:00.000-08:00

i can not believe that the year is coming to an end already.i was reflecting on what has happened this year and realized that I don't really remember much on it. good thing I have this blog to recall back on my year. I think ill be spending the next few days reading back my own blog post wincing, laughing and feeling flabbergast!

RIBIT-ing all night long

2010-12-21T04:11:00.000-08:00

i dont know if its the weather but my mood is as damp as the surfaces it falls on.

all i do lately is drink cups of tea and read my nick hornby book. which i've finished last night and now i dont know what to read anymore because I've got no new book waiting to be immerse in except that daunting dance,dance,dance book which I have yet to finish. It is such a mind bending book that Ive been trying to finish since May and failing miserably. Just like catch-22 which is more challenging because of it's language that reminds me a lot of catcher in the rye only that its 3 times thicker than the famous J.D Salinger title.

I'll get to them soon enough when i feel like it. now i just want a good easy read that have a bit of adventure in them. you know, like that new rick riodan's the last hero. a continuation of the percy jackson's series. i love those to bits. i recommend it if you are looking for a day of laughter, courage, magic and monsters.

guess,for tonight i will have to make do with just tea and tv(Bones and criminal minds are proving to be just so damn addictive!) for i have sent out the S.O.S to a fellow book enthusiast

for new books. i'm the type of person that dont really care much for title, when the need kicks in i just want to consume everything i can get my hand on. although, ive been refraining myself from getting into the genre of romance because i see the it is as junk food to your soul. besides, the whole i met a guy, fuck him senseless,i have commitment issues but we end up working it out gets oh-so really old dont you think?

so, i hope tomorrow my friend will come and bring me something good to read for i need it to accompany the pot of tea i will be brewing.

oh another thing, reading in bed is terrific! therefore, happy RIBIT-ing! (this is an actual campaign if i am not mistaken)

bumpy road

2010-12-11T05:16:00.000-08:00

the problem with love is that sometimes you cant stop caring even when it only hurts. so by all means, go all the way and see if you will fall from the highest point or just find yourself on safe ground. ive given all that i can in the people i want to love, that is just the easy part. the hardest is keeping it through the obstacles thrown at you. to love takes courage, to keep it takes determination. sometimes you cant just give up because whatever difficulty you are going through might just be a bump on the road.

however,this does not apply to an abusive relationship or any sort that arent healthy. if you find yourself in those then run for the hills girlfriend because it is not worth loving someone that dont respect you as a person and for who you are. love hurts but it does not have to be painful.

gosh,im spurting all this cheesy aphorism out of thin air as i write more in my light ridden room trying to think of something worth but all my thoughts just seem so sappy. is this the aftermath of a good thing? guess everything has to balance out somehow.

what a nightt

2010-12-10T10:51:00.000-08:00

there is nothing like a good night out with friends you've known for the passed 6 years more or less and some that you've recently acquainted and clicked instantly. the endless inside jokes, teasing, telepathy, and laughs. they never stops and you are remained of how blessed you are when the laughters died down and everyone sat quietly in silence staring outside the car window. it is that silent that you dont feel like you need to fill in because it feels so comfortable just being quiet for a second before the laughters starts again. it is priceless. i wouldnt trade anything for what this.

we are fast approaching 2011 and i am really looking forward to it even though i know it will be a hell of a year for me. despite, that little fact, i am still excited to see what 2011 will bring me cause 2010 has let me met with people that truly has changed my perspective on certain things in life.

kudos to you people. okay,i almost fall asleep while typing this...

one thing

2010-11-30T06:06:00.000-08:00

ive always wished that i have a musical bone in me. dont get me wrong, i am a devoted fan to all sort of music but sadly i am not musically gifted. if you know me well, i love to bell out to my fav tunes but i pretty much sound like a cat got its tail step on. suffice to say, i am tone deft baby but i love to sing (just not in public). since i cant sing, this means i cant write songs when most of the time i feel like i am writing lyrics instead of stories. well in a way it is, but they usually leans towards a more poetic touch (well,i like to think they do :D)

something happen yesterday and i dont want to tell you what is it because its too personal that involve the lives of people i wish not to harm through here openly because i can even when im angry and at that time wanted to inflict so much pain to them. But that's the thing, we are given this opportunity to be heard through this various technologies and i am sadden by the abuse of this mediums by some people. before i get into this long winded topic i best do what i came here for, that is to write share a short verse from yesterday. i dont know if i should say enjoy because they aren't that witty or genius.

just words from an angry 19 year old to her peers.

i dont want to tell you about it

i rather you hear me sing the words

words that are meant to hurt

you see,

my mouth feels dry,

from all the shouting to start back from the beginning,

to start back from where it all went wrong,

(where did I went wrong?)

wait..

was there even a beginning?

where did it start and when will it end?

i know you just came here to tell me all my faults

dont even try to tell me other wise

well then if i am right,

get back in line and and wait for you turn,

because i cant hear you through this noises.

yah thats how far i got.

now,im going back to watching modern family because its cracking me up so much.

before i sleep i just

2010-11-26T12:58:00.001-08:00

want to say how tonight made me realized how difficult it is to love. and i dont mean love your friends or your family kind of love. i meant the love that every one of us seek. you know, having a lover yet a friend combo love. people tend to forget that the two go hand in hand. sometimes they love just to fill the lonely boring nights but never feeling anything beyond momentarily excitement or love because everyone else is in a relationship so its only natural to be in it themselves.

However, right now i dont want to talk what went wrong. despite the many blunders, i feel that it is important for me to write about went right. even if it is only one right turning, it is the most vital one. mainly,a reminder to myself to look on the bright side.

now i know when it comes to love;

1) go with what you heart says- it knows best

2) follow your intuitions-if it is right you just know

3) dont play games- unless you enjoy the drama

4) be yourself - better he sees you for who you are now then later

5) respect yourself - dont ever do things you feel uncomfortable doing

6) respect that person - the point of loving some one is not to make another you

7) be brave - making the first move can be so daunting

8) stop over thinking too much - in other words stop making assumptions!

you've read something similar in some magazine but im writing based on my own revelation. i want to write more but im dead beat and the sun is rising soon, i need to find my bed and crawl under the covers and hit the lights and switch off my mind.

maybe later today when i've reflect fully on the even that already, is and will happen.

what im saying probably doesnt add up because these are the my chunks of thoughts and i cant seem to be able to make them connect together properly right at this moment.

the other side

2010-11-25T05:28:00.000-08:00

i think ive seriously woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. i got all flustered over something as petty as my losing my retro black rimmed specs. to a point that got me shedding a tear. i know, what the fudge right? i feel like i've lost something more than my specs today,although ive found the specs but i dont think i will find what i've lost because im not even sure what is it that ive lost. it is like im waiting for the fuzz to come and tell me that some one i know died and i am needed to identify the body. well,in a more modern and realistic way would be getting a phone call or news via facebook wall post, but i like to dramatize the ordinary a bit. it is the result of too much movies.

uni has just started.
yup, that is about it.

i dont feel like I am at the beginning....it feels some what like an ending. an ending towards an incredibly weary yet revelatory year. sigh.....

sound effects and overdramtics

2010-11-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

When the shirt came off, it was all in time
When a m-m-m-minute turned into a mile
And then I broke that grin, and I cut it out
And you got all turned on by the taste of your sin
When I mentioned blue, all you thought was colour
When you mentioned drugs, all I thought was sober
When your pants came off and I turned you over
When you mentioned blue

Kill
Smile
Cut it out for me this time
Smile, haven't seen him smile in a while

Keep the mask aligned
Get it up in time
There's a space between valleys
And try catch a vibe
Make a circle square
A rectangle curve
Use a smile as a noun and I think like a verb

Run quick switch sides
Spill the filled up canister
And the room is shaking
Now you're changing places
And I switched my pace
And my breathing races when you mention blue

Kill
Smile
Cut it out for me this time
Smile, haven't seen him smile in a while [This is not x6]

Kill
Smile
Cut it out for me this time
Smile, haven't seen him smile in a while

Kill
Smile
Cut it out for me
Cut it, cut it out
Smile
Kill
Cut it out for me
Cut it, cut it out

We cut it out

Kill
Smile
Cut it out for me this time
Smile, haven't seen him smile in a while [This is not x6]

Kill
Smile
Cut it out for me this time
Smile, haven't seen him smile in a while

Get down and stay awake
Smile

im 19. what do you expect?

wouldnt u just "SHUTUP!"

2010-11-16T22:36:00.000-08:00

one thing ive learnt on monday is that i hate staying at home and not have anything remotely fun to do. talking to my self and reading a book have been great and all but its just not as exciting and i really dont care for the state of my room. it doesnt look that bad. it has character damn it! henceforth i am definitely not in a cleaning mood because the mornings are so hot that i can feel the heat radiating onto my skin in spade even though i am inside standing infront of my stand fan turn up to highest speed. it makes every muscle in my body sluggish and weary because honest to god i think they are fight off the heat by just standing there. moving seem like a real work already so after facing off mr.sunbeam, the weather will then slowly transition into heavy rain. i love rain but i hate thunder. so like a child lost in a shopping mall i wonder the house like a ghost in the dark and then settle on the marble floor in front of the wide double door glass starring at the rain falling in all its glory. they look like they're dancing one by one in a strategic manner. dont u think? see who hits the surface first. yes i am crazy to be coming to this conclusion but really, they're like tiny soldiers descending from the cloud. okay..ive lost it.
okay,ive gotta cut my rambling short because im heading to my cousin's house in a bit.

this post will be continue if i even remember what i was going to say. ;)

when words are lost

2010-11-12T21:24:00.000-08:00

songs make up for that so you can just sit back and let yourself and the people you want to reach out to soak in the lyrics and musics that depicts your being at the moment.

this song may seem like a person hanging on to some one they love so tightly, but to me it means holding on to what i love and who i am. you know how every one usually would want to put you in a box because they think they know you better than you know yourself? well,ive had my fair share of that my whole life and i feel like im on a constant battle to make people understand that defying conventionality might not be such a bad thing after all.also for me to do the same towards others. im giving it a shot because when the curtain falls for the last time i don't want to be mistaken for some that i am not or missed the chance to know great individuals that will leave a mark in my life.

yes,ive just turned 19 hence this reflective post.
my last year being a teenager and i want to end it with a bang!

mindgames

2010-11-09T10:42:00.000-08:00

"if its just a game..then i like the way that you play"

im tired of setting myself up for a fall but damn it if you think i am not going to soak in this happiness you are wrong! i deserve to feel happy and loved despite the annoying voice at the back of my head going "nooooooooooooo,it is all a lie!!"

i have nothing to say right now because my head is all up in space.

petty

2010-11-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

i should be sleeping because the clock just strike 3am and i have work in the morning,but my head just doesnt seem to be able to wrap around the idea of sleep. only allah knows what are my turmoils are and i wish so much to tell the world about it but it seem selfish to unload this weigh i have upon it. it has better things to resolve then my petty problems.so tonight i think i will do what everyone else is doing, fall asleep with dry salty cheeks.

square one.

2010-11-01T13:17:00.000-07:00

i owe you an explanation for the post earlier. but imma be a bitch and not even try because there is none. i am simply putting it in a lock box and throw away the key. sir, the point here is moot. there is no point. im taking the short cut out of this circle because i believe everything happen for a reason.

so,let start over.

i wish i can wear a tag that says

"i love m&m rather than skittles. i love to reminisce.i read for pleasure and i find solace in music.but most importantly, i will accept you for who you are =).
Hi, im Irah. whats yours?"

if only.

thanks

2010-11-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

"im falling in love but its falling apart.lets go back to the start."

You've got mail

2010-10-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

dear lovelies,

i am in the pink of health. enjoying every bit of my time off from dreadful florescent lit hallways and assignments for a change. i like that my days aren't planned and calculated because now i have the freedom to go about wherever, whenever and whoever i want too. however, knowing me, you know i only seek two things.they are good company and great conversations.
i live for those two things. everything else seem pale in comparison to those two things. so here i am a week later since i've took off towards the sunset with mr.holiday. it's been quiet a week! we went to catch a quintet from Tennessee played all the tunes we've been singing for what it felt like out whole lives, then met the most lovelies soul a long the road.
she is on her journey of gastronomic adventure because she is a life-long foodie so we couldnt resist it when she wanted to share some of her findings with us. so there we were going from one place to the other stuffing our faces with good food that left us feeling so contented and loved. before you start going off about me eating my heart out, i should mentioned that is not the only adventure i had. we talked about what we've always wanted to do that never gotten the chance to do so and i happened to mention that i am living my day with a mental checklist of the things ive never done.
"so,what is it?",she asked with a very query look on her face.
"don't laugh....but i've never karaoke.i suck a singing but i love to sing"
"lets do it then!like right now"
"NOW?NOW?what, but im reeeeaaallly awful"
"its okay, no one will hear you! what, you need time to practice or something? its not like you are entering a competition".
before i know it, a mike was shoved into my face and we were dancing to the hit tunes of the 90s. man am i a 90s child or what!
after that,we had to bit her goodbye because she was heading back to her obligations and cant be on the road all day long. oh,things werent always fun and games because we got lost one time that i wanted to cry and have a break down. but she assured us it will be okay, and it did. a lesson learned was that when on the highway and you missed and exit, just keep going straight.NO MATTER WHAT.and trust the sign boards.they aren't completely useless.
oh after that frightening detour we had, i just wanted to take everything slow for awhile. but the next day i found myself amidst a bunch of arab boys with skins as white as snow and a hint of rosy cheeks that every girl give the world to have. who are they? descendant of snow-white?? jeez. i guess having interracial best friend does have its benefits. not the lurid type you are thinking, but the it let me see the a new part of the world that i've seldom venture in.
so here i am writing to you on a notepad ive bought at the gas station we stopped by and mr.holiday is pumping some fuel into the car for we are heading are way to meet really an old friend. i've missed her so much.
until next time lovelies. hope you are doing well there. =)

19th oct 2010-the freaks came out and dance

2010-10-19T22:25:00.000-07:00

A date that will be remembered for the rest of my life. i dont have carefully calculated words to tell you of my night at paramore's concert except that in life when you have that moment to do something you've wished for so long,come rain or shine you have to follow through and grab that moment by the neck and shout back all the words that have been kept close to your heart all these years and dance.

dance,dance,dance!

the 16 year old me would be very proud of me right now because i didnt forget her. i didnt let her go completely as i grew older.ive kept the promise made 4 years ago. it took that long but it was worth the wait, money and sweat.

i wouldnt have it any other way.*although meeting them would be super awesome*

i wouldnt forget being in the crowd and singing to the words with thousands of people with my hand in the air and looking to my side at my best friends doing the same and we just smiled. we were living the moment. right there and then we forgot about all the obstacles we are going through and will go through as we get older and try to make something of ourselves. that feeling and mental image will be forever embedded in my head for as long as i live, breath and laugh.

what a way to kick off my holiday. im so grateful Allah let me have this moment even though it is probably not right but music is and always be apart of me. i find solace in the tunes and artistically written words.

this feels like a bittersweet closure to my teenage years cause ill be turning 20 next year.
bitter cause ill be leaving the realm of teens and into adulthood which i dont find least bit appealing although it has it advantages.
sweet because i've no regrets. i've always been honest to myself, to the people around me and ive always make my own path in life.im the weirdo that is very PROUD of it!

mr.holiday

2010-10-16T11:12:00.000-07:00

he is finally here! about time already.i was losing my my mind stressing over not enough studying time that was needed for my exams.

i've got big plans this holiday. i will be put into the wringer for the third time,so wish me luck yeah?
this time ive picked up some new tricks to protect myself from getting hit. I betcha it will be an interesting holiday cause I've got no clue where i stand in this battle. Whatever it is, i know that i must always see the reality of it and follow my mind. the heart seem to be wanting such horrid things.

so Mr.holiday came and pick me up in his shinny silver beatle and we are riding down the highway and into the sunset in full speed while playing tunes singing about freedom. we aint never looking back until my five weeks are up where he will send me packing with a kiss on the both cheeks and promise of a new adventure next time.
im writing this down on a 7eleven resit where we bought the cigarettes and buns for the road.

therefore, for now, i shall just revel in all its blissfulness that feels so sweet if you were to take a bite out of it.

oh mr.holiday, you make me shine like the moon in the sky.

ps: Hope your holiday will be an adventure.

house arrest

2010-10-12T21:18:00.000-07:00

confinement at home: a form of legal confinement in which people who have been arrested are not allowed to leave their own homes.

this is what i've been feeling this whole exam week.

my little decoy

2010-10-09T16:37:00.000-07:00

what would you do when you looked around and saw the wreckage desire had tragically fell on you and the people you love?what have we done that is so wrong to deserve such beatings? how much more would we pawn to get a little taste of affection?

"you have to pay for wanting the wrong things"

the game we played left us buckled on our knees with our arms hugging ourselves while rocking it gently back and forth trying to ease the shock that still runs down our spine. we couldn't even find comfort in the consolation of the people that have loved us from the start. Partly, we blamed it on them for not warning us about this game that will leave us spent, broken and used.

everyone was nursing their bruising hearts at their corner with hands shaking and face vacant but eyes full of emotions that flickers from despair to anger and back to despair.

At that point all I wanted was to run.Run out of this place. It seemed to be sucking the life out of me. I'm starting to forget who am I.

"Who am I?"

I ran towards the heavy wooden door and twist on the knob but to no avail it wouldn't open. I could hear the clinging of their shackles especially made for me so they can keep me here.

"Fuck,they're coming for me"

My heart was racing, my mind was screaming and I acted on instinct. I took a few steps back and went for it. I slammed my right side to the door and wailed out from the pain. However sadistic i may sound, it never felt so good to hear the crushing of bones of my right shoulder and the door bursting open at the same time. My body thought otherwise though.I blacked out from the collision before seeing whats on the other side.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Close your eyes and make believe this is where you want to be
Forgetting all the memories, try to forget love cause love's forgotten me
Well hey, hey baby, it's never too late pretty soon you won't remember a thing
And I'll be distant, as stars reminiscing
Your heart's been wasted on me

You've never been so used as I'm using you, abusing you
My little decoy
Don't look so blue, you should've seen right through
I'm using you, my little decoy
My little decoy
-Paramore

2 stars?really

2010-10-03T10:22:00.000-07:00

the star gave EAT,PRAY,LOVE 2 stars only.

screw it, you should go watch it anyways because it was beautifully made and it did the book justice!

however, you know whats better? reading the book. it is so inspiring and uplifting. i felt a sense of reassurance when i read it. it made me feel that it is ok to not know all the time and be brave to change and i am ever evolving.

:)

the last class.

2010-09-30T04:23:00.000-07:00

I am getting sick of too damn brightly lit hallways by the ever blinding fluorescent lights of my academia.
I need to cave in a reverie where they can't find me.
What i need then is a good book.

ready?set,GO!

2010-09-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

to join Elizabeth Gilbert on her journey of self-recovery and discoveries :)
just that this time, its on big screen.
hopefully i get to see the movie this thursday or friday.

To Fara:

2010-09-25T20:49:00.000-07:00

i want to write a few of this post for you because i can't seem to think all at once. my mind is in a state of sluggishness where there are moments where my mind seem to be quiet as if it is in mourning too for your lost. then these words starts to spur out like getting the last bits of ketchup out of the bottle. I have to literally pry it out of my head because it gets stuck between sadness and worries.

I wish yesterday was a dream for all of us dear, especially you my dear. Maybe it is wrong for me to say that, because its a waste of time to be in denial and we should just accepts that this is Allah's grand scheme of life. However, it does not mean you have to swallow it whole like a good little girl eating her medicine because its good for her. Show a little bit of resistance of you want because i want that drive to extol you always get up and face your day better than yesterday. I know right now you dont have the will to walk the line confidently like you usually do but man you have more balls that any other girl i know (and i know a few) so believe in yourself that you have the guts to be better without your hero my your side.

he has thought you well, you are the most stable-headed girl i know so maybe it is his time to go. he was such a great father to you and your siblings, please remember the light he has shone in your live and bring that where ever you go.

even when you've done that and the day still seem bleaker than ever, you know where to find us tards because we are here for you through thick and thin. we were with you when the day was sunny and blue, we will be with you when your days are damp and grey.

okay?

i love you so much Farah.

current

2010-09-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

its because i understand how you feel that its difficult for me to tell you how to be strong because the emotions you are feeling now is going through my veins. Not as electrifying but even a spark can send a little jolt to my body. i know you are feeling the current in every inch of your breath.that is why i cry when you do. i'm sorry.................

parawhore

2010-09-22T08:53:00.000-07:00

i am one.
ive been one since i saw the kerrang article of them tina showed it to me where they were reviewed on gig they played somewhere in england. there stood hayley with her fiery red hair all mussed with her orange microphone in hand and her mouth looking like it could swallow it up and her eyes squeeze tight.
then,i heard conspiracy. i was sold. i think they are the first band i've just got into because of the music. i swear til this day i dont know hayley's birthday or her actual age until a month ago because someone told me. so, it is suffice to say that they are the post-MCR band i've listen to when things got a little be rowdy being a fan of my chem. there were too much "this is my opinion and im sticking with it!" attitude from people around me and people all over the world. i felt suffocated being in such a hostile environment that i just wanted out.

the thing with paramore is it felt like your bestfriends are singing songs about the good and bad time you all faces together. you know like a soundtrack to your teenager years. at that time things were really on the rocks with my bestfriends so it was nice to ran to music such as theirs and find that comfort there where i dont have to lose myself again in the hate that was just radiating from every one of my friends.

i remembered finding solace in 'that's what you get', ' let the flames begin' and 'miracle'. i dont know how to explain this to you but it helped washed away the hatred,anger and doubt. i know
one would ask "irah,why cant you find that i the quran". well, i am sorry, im sorry that i failed in finding solace that there and that way when im a muslim. but arent you glad i didnt drown myself in substances and alcohol instead like many of my peers are doing these days?

so, cutting short my ramblings. they are coming here in october. is it weird that i felt it. like something big was happening but i did not foreseen this! dayum. yes, i fancy myself as a psychic.Im a girl.we know this stuff.

so now, im listening to their songs 24/7! even when im doing number 2 in the crapper. when im walking up to classes, when im in class, when i talk to people sometimes and when im about to sleep. oh,its the new songs i'm listening too because im not familiar with them much so i thought i gave them a listen a few weeks ago and man how again the songs fit perfectly with the happenings of my life.

good job, hayley,josh,zach,taylor and jeremy.

so im estatic. naturally...couldnt you tell?:D

dream a little dream

2010-09-21T12:33:00.000-07:00

yesterday i watched the last song. yes miley fuking cyrus was in it. castrate me if you want but was intrigued to see her outside of disney and hannah montanna for a change. and sadly, she failed. i wasn't annoyed with her but rather the character they gave her. It was too pigeon-holed. ahh yes,you have the typical adoloscent rebelling against her parents and wearing dark clothing but yet, we know this teenage supposedly "time bomb" have the IQ of a genius and the heart of gold.

i thought there would be something more to the story but its a story my 10 year old brother could have written. He has a blog you see and writes better than some people my age i know. i havent read the book so i can't say how much they've followed it but i've watched other movies based on the nicholas spark's novels and they have remained to be among my favorite movies in the romance genre of all time.

speaking of which, the other day i was watching this apparently CLASSIC romantic movie title "FRANKIE AND JOHNNY". Now that is something! How they've captured love between two people seem so ordinary; no breaking into songs, no explosions and no grand gesture.

the message its soundly putting out was being love and to love is a grand gesture on its own.
how nice is that.
makes a non-believer such as myself to not swoon but see the logic in the whole idea.
maybe, just maybe i will call some one sayang. however, now i have to swat that idea aside because yesterday too i was dreaming of a future that will leave you flabbergast. i dont know if i should tell you, it seem too precious to let it out of the bag just yet.

just to enlighten you how a 10 year old thinks nowadays, please hit up my brother's blog cunningly called FOOD MONSTER.

I dont know why its easier to write about anything these days but i am glad and thankful that i am still going at it because writing helps me learn about myself and express my over rambled thoughts. also, commitment ! only allah knows how i have a huge problems with commitments.

strip down

2010-09-17T20:01:00.000-07:00

stick with me now wouldnt you dearest readers?

i know i've been writing sappy post lately but this huge chunk of my year is about accepting what the heart wants with the involvement of another human being.one that seem to make me feel the need to fill in the void in my heart. i'm growing up and this is part of the process that i've been avoiding pretty much 18 years of my life. part of me wants to get it over with as soon as i can but it will feel like i didnt even try and that feeling is much worse than this running around in a constant state of ambivalent.

im learning.

i caught myself

2010-09-14T22:54:00.000-07:00

For M.

"I should have never thought of you,i knew,i know in my heart is not you,i knew"

she feels like crying but her tears doesnt seem to want to be release themselves from her tear duct.

"Let go will you, there is no way it will work out.you two are from two different worlds. would you sacrfice

yourself for the likes of him? would he do the same? would he put aside his beliefs just to hold your hand

with the rest of the world as an audience?i doubt that"

"shutupshutupshutup!"

her insides split into two and walked away from her body as two different person and went at each

other with fist and hammer towards each other.she cant stop them because there is no her to make the move. it is

like she's a lifeless doll waiting for those two charges to set her to live again.

where is he when all this is going down?

where is he when things are falling apart?

where is he when she can't seem to see straight anymore?

at that moment she let out a feral scream fill with anguish and rage the two stop quarelling and disappear into

thin air. then she blacked out from the pain...

compromise

2010-09-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

one word that is not in my vocabulary.

i wonder if it will be my downfall.

the beat

2010-09-12T15:48:00.000-07:00

there was a time where i could turn back time and just push it aside because the idea of it is so silly and impossible that only a madman would ponder over it too much.However, tonight and the next i am personally yours to watch me truly diving myself in the beautiful chaos once again. For in these beats i'm rewinding over and over again seem to be taking me back to a time and place that i wish it wasnt all in my head. they are vaguely ebbing away like a dream that come and go in a flurry flash of memories. everything moved in milliseconds but all too quickly they're gone. you ask me if i am living in the past, well...maybe the present is pale in comparison.

oh if you know me babe, i am nothing but pale. If i could i want to discover a new colour and name it after myself. you will laugh now because i wish for things that only exist in books, but i believe in a world that one can shine the way one wants. Mine just happens to be in every spectrum of the colour in a dark room.

so let me drown myself in this beat til i fall asleep,

a deep sleep that beckons me to those memories so vividly,

by then i wouldnt ask for salvation,

not even when you have your foot press against my chest,

hands wrapped in a violent twist hammering towards my lips,

not even when i've got blood on your floor,

i still wouldnt ask for your saving,

because babe i dont need one.

so stop whispering love songs in my ears while you watch me die,

the lights from my eyes will be out any seconds now,

the image of your puzzled face will be savored,

for i know why you are wondering why i'm still smiling through the pain,

its coz i still hear the sound of the beat drumming madly,

almost keeping me alive...

almost...

click away

2010-09-06T14:02:00.000-07:00

remember those?

i want a camera now!so i can take pictures again.........ive lost Ace(my old camera) awhile ago and im regretting it now. i'm seeing the visions again...and i feel a little lost not having a camera to make those visions come true..what a douche i can be for not appreciating Ace...

sun kisses

2010-09-04T01:41:00.000-07:00

this was where she stayed and read her copy of haruki murakami. in a wide open space to the left of her university's library compound by the tall glass windows where the sun seemed to be filtering in the most exuberant way. its touch illuminated the white walls making it glow as if it was a placed roamed by divinity. there, she felt the sun kisses her lightly on the cheeks living pink lush stains on her face even long after she has left that room.

for the love of light

2010-09-02T10:53:00.000-07:00

anyone that knows me know that i am not a morning person.

i am the creature of the night.

hence, my obsession with owls.

however, i think mornings are great for capturing the light. you know, that moment when the sun rises and the sky just emits that wonderful golden hue like warm honey dash across the baby blue canvas. you would be a fool to not feel the beauty of the world in that moment of time. this morning, after 2 years, i felt that urge to capture the light the best i could even though i was groggy as hell due to lack of sleep.

sorry for the bad quality of a picture, mind you its only 3.2 mega pixel hand phone camera :)

i make the best of everything.

hold on or let go,you decide

2010-09-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

when i want to befriend a soul, i am honest about it because i want them in my life. if i do get screw over , then it will probably kill me but i also have a penchant for spontaneity because i can't stand thinking of the could have been after last year's blunder.

so,here i am offering you my friendship, which is far more precious than my heart because in friendship is the only way for me to give it all of me.

you'll learn that in time...

eyes close,heart open,take flight

2010-08-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

i can't seem to stop myself from dreaming up a world where I and you goes together like bread and butter. ah,the romantic side of me is fighting off the cynic with a stick vehemently. its almost comical if you picture it.

ill embrace this feelings because i need to smile and see the beauty in every blunder that seems to be associated with you.

lets put aside the silent awkwardness in a jar and throw it out to sea and fill a new one with lots of lovely memories so we can bury it for remembrance. one day,we will dig it up again and marvel at the past that was the reminiscent of our youthful heart; careless and idealistic.

why dont we?

come join the dead poet's society

2010-08-30T13:36:00.000-07:00

i felt inspired to write something more poetic after watching the dead poet's society and reading a copy of haruki murakami's dance dance dance.

it was dusk out, so we bask in the remaining off the day which filtered into my bedroom hitting its orange rays across my face and i smiled like it gave me some sort of power. but i smiled because i saw you watching me with those eyes.and i smiled because the always vacant gap between my fingers was filled with yours for a change. all i had to do was grasp on to them and let the heat roll on between our bodies through the lacing of finger tips that was more intimate than any other touch.all i wanted to do was hold your hand and watch the sun goes down from my bedroom window.
we can save the rest for other days.

she left me in awed

2010-08-24T00:50:00.000-07:00

i've always had a yen for redheads :)

what do you think?shall i go back to red?i think i shall.

BANG BANG BANG

2010-08-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

i saw the crazy look in his eyes when he put that gun to my head and whispered death treats in my ear like a soft passionate
manner of a lover. at that moment,all i thought about was the boy i didnt get to kiss which
infuriates me to no end knowing that was my last thought before some one put a hole in my head.
so you know what i did? i said 'hit me with your best shot asshole!'.oh boy did he gave me his best!

yawn

2010-08-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

classes have been as interesting as watching paint dry on a sunny day. my eyes just couldnt help but glazed over everything the lecturer says while my mind drift off to other things that are non-educational related. i dont hate it, just unenthusiastic about the whole thing. when i say THE WHOLE THING, i meant what i am studying. its not bad, just that it could be better...so much better. like they say, talk is cheap...no wonder everyone is buying into that. however, it has came to my attention that maybe it is me and not my alma mater to be blame for this lack of enthusiasm.

i've been walking through this semester with both my eyes close because of work and now i'm feeling the consequences.

however, i do feel like i've missed the train that im supposed to board with everyone else but didnt and now i'm on my own journey to catch up to the next stop so i can board the train. which in my demented head is far more interesting and exciting then being on a bumpy train with a bunch of people i dont know and wouldnt understand me.

find, this makes me a loner. so what? i was never conventional anyways. i tend to do stupid things and fall flat on my face. so what? it's not always enjoyable to walk in my shoes, but i've made my choices for reasons only i understand (ok,half the time i dont have any because i make shite along the way). i've met some interesting people along the way and they've made me learnt about being more accepting of things i was previously biased about and about myself.

this passed few months i was praying for courage and strength.
i still am.
sometimes wanting to voice out your opinion can be so daunting it will keep you up at night or figuring how to manage your assignments that the thought of it can almost make you give up.

maybe i am burnt out for this year, i cant believe its august already.

i need to just hold it together until october comes so i will be free of these obligations.

sweet embrace?

2010-08-13T13:23:00.002-07:00

woah, who was that writing on this blog for the passed few posts. aren't you just ready for lots of laugh again? i am.
this is my thoughts on romantic novels that always got it wrong. oh,and it is me flipping off to the girl that wrote all that
pathetic ass post about her short-lived over exaggerated love life.

first of all, you know im no innocent lass that gets blush with the mere mention of sexual intercourse or sexual desire.heck,
if you didnt know better, you'd be shocked by the amount of sexual innuendos i can come up with that will leave you
feeling dirty to the bones.

where do i get this flattering wit?

simple,books.

i know,what in the world!

here is my confession:

hello,i am nur nadhirah aka irah and i was an addict to romantic novels.

note that i used WAS because truly,i got over them. its like eating junk food, you like it for sometimes but then you start to see
the toll it has on your body that it left you rather sick and disgusted. well,that how these novels felt like, but
its to your brain! just feeding crap about love that are totally and utterly bull from start to end. reading romantic novels is like
having a quick fuck with a stranger, after the heat and excitement wound down, you're just feeling hollow.

however, it was a path i didnt regret venturing into because reading is still reading despite the content, it has helped
improved my english.
so here i am to tell you the truth what those books were trying to feed you

myth:1) tall-dark handsome and perfectly chiseled face

truth:for once, i want the guy character to be real to the guys we face every day. which is average-height,loop sided grin
and sweaty palms. now wouldn't that be a story worth seeing what happen? come one, if there is this tall-dark handsome
and perfectly chiseled face appear in front of me, he is either gay or a vain asshole and not some humble chivalrous
guy.

myth:2) she looks like a model but she doesnt know she's beautiful

truth:that is a bucket load of horse poo! i swear to god it agitates me to no end when the authors play this card.
sheesh,are we suppose to feel related with the insecurities of the character. yes,break us down with the whole
body issue and set us up for the fall because we all know the truth that we dont measure up in the end anyways.

myth: 3) love at first-sight

truth: i would too if i look like heidi klum and he looks like hugh jackman. see my point?

myth: 4) the sex is epic

truth: i've asked around and from what i've derived, sex aint a walk in the park. it's like tango. do you know how
to tango?? i dont. you would never get it right the 1st, 2nd,3rd time, it takes a lot to be that earth shattering.

myth: 5) the perfect happy ending?

truth: why do most of the ending of the novels they end up married and the girl end up being
a baby making machine while he makes lots of money. why dont the girl ever turned out as successful as the guy instead
of at home playing the good wife? the feminist in me is concerned by this. do we girls have to depend solely
on a our guy for financial security? call me hatred but i think this thinking for a happy ending is just to darn
old-fashion and narrow minded.

so basically, i just wanted to enlighten you with my perspective on romantic novels. i think we all need a laugh of two these days, because it seemed like everyone is in a rut and taking them selves too seriously.

the last straw

2010-07-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

im over it.
this four letter word that only had only brought me tears and endless confusions.
i came to a realization that im not being myself lately, i need a little spring in my steps and blithe ignorance about the world.
thanks hazelnuts for the new tunes, i needed that :)

small happiness

moving

MA

Turning point

sleep

Worst day

salty

15 things you should know

happy accidents

the dream part 1: still waiting

love hate

that was yesterday

internship: week 2

Fuel

oopps

internship: Day 1

internship:All shall be well

its here!!

I heart mumford&sons

A letter to myself

a good read?

1/2 year later

the sea+good friends

the breakup song

Hello again :)

I can do this!

the dream part 1

stand up

endless worries

holiday blues

another one

Almost Goodbye

Little Lion Man

hairy situation

of writer's block perhaps?

the I in Island

our swords

give me more tea to calm this nerves

the mess

Another night,another nightmare.

show me the manual

show me the manual

April shines through

Jibber Jabber

oh we meet again

will i sing again?

mumford&sons

knock*knock*

bye.

details in the fabric

lets play the blame game

old town charm

100mph

her

ive tried

The Wall

A note to self

i'm not okay(i promise)

back to basics

bye 2010 :(

retracing thy footsteps

RIBIT-ing all night long

bumpy road

what a nightt

one thing

before i sleep i just

the other side

sound effects and overdramtics

wouldnt u just "SHUTUP!"

when words are lost

mindgames

petty

square one.

thanks

You've got mail

19th oct 2010-the freaks came out and dance

mr.holiday

house arrest

my little decoy

2 stars?really

knockknock